A season came and went to a grand final won by boring the opposition to death

Since the last update on the LoBaTs, a lot of very little has happened. Well, at least one year passed and depending on how you look at it, that’s either 365 days, 8760 hours or 525,000 seconds. In that time, the Lobats were resurrected and thrashed and then thrashed and thrashed.

In the spirit of this column, which fortunately nobody reads and therefore has no spirit, we will find a way to turn the very little that happened into a very long story. Here it is.

Last season came and went, during which a new captain was found at pretty much every match and often during the match. The team bounced between some spectacular performances whichever way you look at it. The season started with a thorough beating from our brethren in Canberra. This was followed by spectacular innings throughout the season interspersed with spectacular collapses. Then towards the business end of the season, a win that was crafted by getting the other team all out with only two runs to get ensured we made our way into the semi-finals.

The semi-finals came and went – as they do. No one is quite sure what happened. The other team featured a bowler that by all counts was the best bowler in the league. He was also their best batsman. He won the accolade of being the best bowler after bowling a ball early in the season to our opener that was absolutely unplayable, unless of course you had a bat in your hand and knew how to bat.

Yet somehow, after the opener made way for the rest of the team, we thrashed them and made our way to the finals. The finals was against the best team in the league. They had won pretty much all their matches. They were old foes or friends, we’re still not sure. They did however call one of our own grandpa during the finals. As we weren’t sure if that was a term of endearment or a sledge, judgement on whether they are friends or foes will be deferred.

The scene was set for another spectacular clash, one of titan proportions like that we had against the Kenyans many a season ago. This time instead of a very loud keeper we were presented with an opposition skipper who loves to lecture anyone and everyone on the laws of the game. Of course by this stage we were used to lectures from our own skipper that had told us not to show any mercy and to bat 60 overs without scoring a run, simply to show character. So the opposition skippers lectures were a welcome change.

But all this lectures had even put the birds to sleep, or may be they were just bored to death. It definitely wasn’t the usual surface to air missiles that used to get launched when we were bowling that were keeping the birds away. In fact, there was hardly and scoring in this match. Both captains ensured this with their long speeches that had everyone sleeping soundly – normally it’s only one of us that sleeps soundly before shouting ‘stay there, long way to go’.

In the lead up to the game, numerous emergency meetings were held in numerous offices across town about matters that had nothing to do with cricket. For instance, the Reserve Bank was having various talks on how to stimulate the economy, while others had various meetings on how to stimulate themselves further. On the day of the match, one of our players was seen giving a few tips on self-stimulation to other team’s skipper. This resulted in another lecture.

At the end of all these meetings, 11 Lobats showed up late to the grounds as per usual, only to be confronted with an opposition that had been there for 4 hours practicing and in the middle of a hakka. That was quite intimidating and serious thought was given to calling the game off and declaring the winner even before a ball had been bowled. Yet, in the spirit of cricket, calmer minds prevailed and it was decided by two spirited cockatoos that were picking worms on the park that the game should be played, before they got bored to death.

So our skipper was sent out to toss in the hope that he would lose his way to the middle and not come back. The skipper then promptly announced he was going to be twelfth-man. Normally this would have sent shivers down an already nervous bunch, but everyone knew what it meant, so no one even yawned. It meant everyone else was going to have to rotate on and off the field while the twelfth man did all the bowling and batting.

We lost the toss as always and the opposition batted. Fortunately the pressure of trying to remember all the lecture notes of their skipper was more than they could handle and they started gifting catches. Unfortunately, none of us knew what to do with a catch, having never even caught a cold before, and we had to rely on them walking on their stumps to get them out. Fortunately this happened for only 119 runs. Unfortunately that was 5 runs above our par score.

That’s when our skipper of the hour hatched a plan that had never been tried before in any previous incarnation of Lobats. He decided to wake us all up. He did this by taking responsibility and promoting himself to the # 3 spot on the batting order, which as you all know meant he was essentially opening. So when the inevitable happened and one opener unselfishly made way, the skipper came in and pitched camp in the middle.

Eventually, what felt like a couple of weeks later, we had slept our way to 114-1 with the main contributions coming from the one player in our side that has never let us down, Mr Sundries. In fact, this player won the batsman of the season award. At that point the skipper and the other opener selfishly got themselves out so they could get a start on the cold beers and handed over the uphill task of bringing us home to the remaining 7 players. Remember, our par score for the season was 114, so this was a massive task for 7 guys who were now sound asleep.

The cat had been set upon the pigeons and the fear was visible in the dressing room. Our team statistician pointed out how often we had gone from a position of weakness to losing in a matter of minutes. Fortunately the opposition were unaware of this and our top scorer, Mr Sundry, added to his incredible average and got us over the line.

The celebrations lasted well into about 3pm at which point the beer ran out. That’s when the skipper came up with his best suggestion all season. He recommended we head immediately to the pub and led the way, sirens blaring. In a state of complete intoxication, it was decided that the team would stick together for another season provided Sundries was available and willing to play for us again.

Unfortunately, given Sundries’ total score and season average, he has been graded at a level that would, well require the Lobats to play against the national side. So the case is being reviewed by the Australian Cricket Board as to whether the Lobats B12s can be accommodated into the international cricket calendar as Australia’s second national side.

Meanwhile, as with all good subcontinent sides, it has been decided that as a result of last season’s winning performance, serious changes were required to the side. It was declared that the loss ratio was not sufficient to keep the current structure of the team. In fact there were serious discussions as to why the finals was won so easily and why the team failed to lose more matches as spectacularly as it had in the past. It is understood that there has been a change to the leadership of the team.

And as always, this esteemed publication has the scoop on all this. In fact, your roving reporter has actually managed to score an interview with the new team captain. As you know, none of the past Lobats captains ever gave an interview to any publication - not because they struggled with English, or because they had nothing interesting to say, or because the lack of brains and trust and skill refused permission for them to speak about any matter to anyone – but simply because no publication could give a toss! So stay tuned for part 2 of this piece for the inside goss… It promises to completely bore you to death!

Pictures that will bore you to death...

LoBaTs are back unbeknownst to the team that has been named that... And they score big!

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not quite sure what that means but I thought I should take this opportunity to share that with you.

Meanwhile those of you who have followed the Baulko LoBaTs must have been wondering whatever happened to that amazing team. You're not alone. Ok, may be you are alone - truth be told no one else has been following the LoBaTs. And while we're telling the truth the team was only really amazing at collapsing and being dispatched to all parts.

Nevertheless you were not alone in wondering whether the day would come when we would find ourselves an amazing team.

So here's an update. Firstly, there really isn't much to update, so let's just jump to the secondly. Secondly let's get some of our new followers up to speed. Ok, so there aren't really any new followers, but some of the old boys are now so old they forget things very quickly.

For the benefit of them, if you are wondering what or who is LoBaTs, let us start by saying this is a highly prestigious title bestowed upon us after years and years of - we're not sure what really. In the UK, if you are an old fart who happened to get the attention of the queen for some silly act or the other, she bestowed the title of Sir.

Some of you might recall Sir Ian Botham who's only contribution to cricket was a few bad jokes and plenty of bad press. In a similar vein, our Baulko 12s were given the right honorable title of LoBaTs after years of showing a consistent 'Lack of Brains and Trust and Skill'. The name has since been carried around with pride and even established international notoriety when Trevor Chappel claimed on international TV to have coached the LoBaTs to numerous losses.

To make a long story much longer, the senior brains trust got together in the off season and hatched a brilliant new plan. The plan was brilliant in its simplicity. Most brilliant plans are. In this case however it was simple only because the brains trust gets a splitting headache if it isn't simple.

The plan was to find a team that was likely to have at least one win a season and call them the LoBaTs. Like with all brilliant plans, the trick lies in the execution. A wise man once said something. Unfortunately none of us can remember what it was. But if this wise man was around, he would tell us that it's better to have a bad plan executed well than a good plan not executed, or something to that effect.

We had a bit of both. We found a team and decided to call them the LoBaTs. They fitted the bill. They were all curries - mainly Lankan curries - and they had a love for the game - 'had' being the operative word. As for which game, we are yet to establish.

The LoBaTs were reborn, unbeknown to them. They were a proper bunch this lot. The skipper blasted out numerous emails with plenty of gusto and endless instructions. An emergency meeting was called at Charuka's house to establish a constitution and ask for donations, mainly for pocket money, really.

The emergency meeting, resulted in numerous follow up emails and follow up emergency meetings out of which a team was hatched, or so we are lead to believe. The Canberra Lankans were then invited to Sydney for a warm up match, mainly to instill a bit of confidence in a few of the old boys.

The Canberrans came, pillaged, conquered, had a feast and left with the silverware. They hammered over 370 runs - after which we lost count. Seven of their batsmen retired out of boredom. We dropped more than our mandatory quota of catches - 24 by some counts, 27 by other - after 12 we lost count. The captain got a grilling from the premier bowler for dropping half the teams quota. The captain even contemplated dropping himself from the side.

Your roving reporter also lost a finger in the process of making a dropped catch look difficult. He is now typing with just one finger. While the opponents hammered everything to the boundary, including the umpire, when we went to bat, the boundaries had grown and pitch had been planted with land mines. We had the usual procession of wickets followed by the familiar 'aiyo'.

Suffice it to say, this new team that had been named the LoBaTs was very quickly living up to the team's reputation that had been painstakingly built over the years.

The captain shot out a few more lengthy emails after the match to ensure the confidence the team had gained would be maintained for the season. The skipper's emails had to be summarised and translated for a couple of the players that struggle with sentences that contain words longer than four letters.

The LoBaTs were back.

The first official match of the season was last weekend. In what was probably a first ever, at the start of the game, the captain wasn't working the phone like a Bangalore call centre trying to find aunties and uncles to come and fill in. Everyone was there on time, except of course for Las who's not everyone and is never on time. We wouldn't have expected anything less.

Also in a first ever, Ricky was there without his pads on. The skipper won the toss and sensibly (yes, again another first) decided to bat. Everyone looked at Ricky expecting to tell him to take his pads off, but then realised he wasn't padded up. This caused immense confusion. The confusion was sorted by the skipper asking Ricky to pad up, just for fun.

Then Prassana and his opening partner, who shall remain nameless simply because he can't remember his name, conducted a few stretches. One of the lads quickly reminded them not to stretch too much or they might not recover in time to bat. They saw the wisdom in that and headed out. A few overs later Prassana whacked a bouncer straight into the bottom of his middle stump. That was probably the hardest shot in the book to play to a ball like that and he succeeded. This started the all too familiar procession of wickets.

Lasi played a few beautiful forward defence strokes to balls that just missed the stumps and went through the keeper legs for byes. He was then given out lbw to a ball that was heading towards fine leg but according to the umpire would have then made a u-turn and come back to hit the stumps from behind the keeper.

This umpire was straight out of the Sam school of umpiring. He had his finger up from the moment he parked his car. In fact, unconfirmed reports are that he parked the car with his finger up. At this point we started blaming the skipper for batting first.

Charuka came out before the umpire had put his finger down and unfortunately had a ball hit him in the pads. We were three down with not much to show for it. Rajitha wisely (once again another first) decided to wait till the umpire put his finger down before heading out. He told the boys 'not to worry' he'll stay there because there was 'a long way to go'. We all knew how much he hated to walk such a long way back and forth to the middle so we were confident he would give us a long innings.

He came out, kissed his bat and dispatched his first ball to the boundary. A couple of balls later he copped a bouncer and found a way to gently return it as a catch to the bowler. This was probably the hardest shot to play and has never been seen in any coaching manual of any kind, including the Karma Sutra vol 17 that has quite a few illustrations of awkward shots. We have it on good authority that this shot will be illustrated in vol 18.

Rajitha was last seen having harsh words with the bat he is so fond of. We were now 4 down for 31 runs. The skipper had given the other opener specific instructions to reign in his naturally attacking game and to simply stay there without scoring any runs till the end of the innings. At this stage, this looked like a very simple task.

Captain Chaminda then decided to take matters into his own hands. He walked out to the middle and decided diplomacy was the best way to handle this hostile situation. He showed the bowlers some respect instead of his usual disdain. It worked. The bowlers calmed down. Finally when the opponents had fallen a sleep thanks to the opening batsman's natural lack of stroke play and general lack of talent we managed to put a few runs on the board, thanks mainly to the wicket keeper that appeared to be on our side.

To wake up the fielders, they decided to liven up the match and gave the ball to a pie chucker. This plan worked. The partnership was broken after the opener's eyes light up and he swung wildly to a straight ball that took out middle of middle. The opener was seen still spinning well after the days play was over.

This was good news for the LoBaTs because it meant Romesh was next. Romesh was not in the mood for diplomacy. In fact, he was in a foul mood. He hammered over 110 runs in less than 60 balls. One over he dispatched the opening bowler for 22 runs. It happened so fast that we lost count of his final score.

Through all the carnage, Chaminda continued to play his captain's hand by rotating the strike thanks to the byes the keeper was giving us. Before we knew it we had over 300 runs on the board.

At this point Ricky was seen jumping up and down on the boundary asking the umpire to raise his finger again so he could get a bat. Romesh felt sorry for Ricky and gifted his wicket, albeit after 110+ was contributed. This resulted in Melro trying to club everything into the following day. His swashbuckling innings of one over buckled and Ricky finally had his turn.

Chaminda finally decided to let Shashi bat. He went out with a bat, but no one is quite sure why because he didn't use it. He swung at pretty much everything and anything but the ball. Finally the bowler realised that all he had to do was bowl one at the stumps and that was that.

At this point we learnt that Chris had made what was easily one of the safest bets of the season. He promised Ricky 50 packs of smokes if Ricky scored the hundred that he said he was good for. When asked what Chris would get if Ricky didn't score a 100, he said 'a laugh'. Suffice it to say Chris got his laugh and Ricky who ended up being not out at the end was seen swearing at the 11th man Parth for not sticking around long enough for Ricky to score another 94 runs.

But by this stage we had 350+ runs on the board. About 50 of those were thanks to the keeper who put his gloves up to our warm applause for reaching that milestone. Now for week two of this match. Stay tuned.

Cricket - what cricket? And that's that...

In case you are wondering what has been happening to the Baulko cricketing boyz, the LoBats, you are not alone. It just all went quiet … mind you that's not a bad thing.

A quick enquiry with the team management resulted in a rather slow response… Finally a variety of rather incomprehensible official responses were provided, mainly by anonymous and highly dodgy sources. One of the responses was ‘I’ll call you back.’ Unfortunately I forgot to ask when – hence this could happen sometime in the next 10 years. We’re not even sure we remember the question.

A lengthy press release was issued by another anonymous and highly unreliable source that claims to be part of the Lack of Brains and Trust (LoBat). It was 15 pages long and the main story to come out of this facsimile was that now my fax machine is out of paper. It said that a number of factors had contributed to a very quiet finish to the season. Most of those factors were highly confidential and can not be revealed, but what can be said was that there was a lot of rain and most of the players were not allowed to go out in the rain by their mums who were worried they would catch a cold.

Although the fax was 15 pages long, 14.5 pages were blank, so that's all we can say about why it's been rather quiet in the cricketing world of the Hills district. There were some nasty rumours that a number of the boys were unable to play because they were burnt out by all their commitments to a variety of things, from IPL watching to barbeques, baby sitting, lawn mowing and general laziness. We have not been able to confirm any of these rumours, so they will not be reported…

Another nasty rumour claimed that the Baulko LoBaTs were thrashed to smitherines and the players, captain, coach, physio and team psycho have been suffering from shock. Further rumours were that they had been given a special ward in the Hills district loony hospital… These rumours were strongly denied, hence it's a safe bet they are as close to fact as you will find…

In the end, the season ended, at least we believe so. The boys had a beer, then another and then another 10 each… So the next six months will be back to playing shadow cover drives in the privacy of one's living room, day dreaming of the centuries and five wicket hauls that never happened… imagining that when everything looked lost, the skipper threw the ball to you or asked you to go out and bat and you turned the game around – from ensuring that we were heading to a slow defeat to getting us there very quickly…

Howzat? Have a good off season boyz…

When you thought you’d seen it all, another epic with a few differences

What is it about the LOBATs and epic matches? Just when you thought you’d seen it all, you see it again.

There were a few differences this time around though. Probably for the first time this season, Ricky sent an e-mail around saying we had too many players. We initially thought Ricky had trouble counting. He was probably confusing people's nicknames with their real names and was double counting. But the accounting was right. We had 14 players. The recruitment drive had worked and now we had a good list of players who don't bat, bowl or field.

Immediately a few veterans made themselves unavailable just to stress Ricky out. One of those veterans was Rajitha. But we told him nothing doing mate (or was it machang) and in the end we had 12. In case you’re wondering how we found Rajitha who has been missing for these past 5 weeks, apparently his wife woke up one morning and found him asleep under the covers. She hadn't noticed him there for the past 5 weeks. So she woke him up and we got him to the grounds.

Ricky lost another toss. This time the opposing captain was one step ahead of Ricky and said they would bat before he could open his mouth. For the first time Ricky decided to open the bowling himself, still on a high from the damage he did with the ball the previous week. On the other side was Ani, who had fled the country late last year and somehow slipped through immigration back into the country. He was told to terrorise the batsmen. Instead, he terrorised the fielders.

One of the opening batsmen thought he was Warner and started swinging the bat at everything. At best he was a very distant cousin because after a couple of sixes he missed a straight one and was given lbw. The umpire appeared to be a disciple the Sam David's umpiring institute – he was a trigger happy fellow.

There were some classic moments during their innings. Their first drop was a machang from the hood – actually Angoda. Charuka and the slips started distracting the machang with a bit of a Sinhalese chat. It was working for a while with him missing a few balls, but then he dispatched one into the playground. We asked him to be careful because there were kids playing there. He obeyed and started blocking until he knicked one.

He was replaced by a lanky young chap who hit his first ball for six by mistake that really impressed Vasee who gave him a standing ovation. This fellow later had to dive into the crease to make his ground, resulting in a rather scratched elbow. Charuka immediately showed his concern by telling the batsman that he should get himself out and have his elbow cleaned up.

When that didn't work, we decided to change things up and threw the ball to the Stig. Seeing what was happening to all the bowlers who actually knew how to bowl he quickly threw the ball to Rajitha like a hot potato. Rajitha said he was going to bowl ‘pace’. He had everyone scared, except for the batsmen. We then realised we had mis-heard him. Apparently he was going to bowl ‘space’ - balls that would be launched into ‘outer space’.

For a while it looked like a few satelittes were in danger of being damaged. We were bracing ourselves for an international incident. Then Ricky, forever the diplomat, decided to avert such an incident and looked around for someone else to bowl. Suddenly everyone had their backs turned, except for the Stig. He was given the ball.

His pies were also sent into orbit. The keeper asked him to keep it on the ‘off’ and give it a good spin. That's exactly what he did. The ball pitched about halfway down the pitch and went straight on so slowly that the batsman was spining after taking a huge swipe missing and then swiping again. The ball finally trickled past the batsman and onto the stump. While the ball hadn't spun at all, both the Stig and the batsman were still spining in one place while everyone else was hi-fiving Vasee for no good reason at all.

After we introduced a new rule that a lost ball was out, we managed to get wickets on a regular basis in between the sixes that were being dispatched to the car park, the street, the tennis court and the neighbouring suburbs. But although we had a regular procession of batsmen, there was one guy on their side that was a big bully.

One ball he hit and then ran and tackled Saj – the bowler - for no good reason at all. This guy was the size of a sumo wrestler, so when we saw Saj flatenned from the tackle we started dialing the paramedics. Unfortunately the mobile phone network was down after a few satellites had been decommissioned during Rajitha's bowling. So we asked Saj to get on with it.

The sumo wrestler then clocked a catch at the speed of light back to Ricky off Ricky's bowling. We were all watching for a replay of last week's Matrix moves. Instead this episode ended with a few ‘aiyos’. The sequel of most shows are usually not as good as the original.  Ricky was seen rubbing his ego after that while Ani (aka Keanu) was seen showing him what he did wrong - bowling rubbish.

We finally managed to get the sumo batsman to mis-hit a ball that went straight up. Charuka had some serious ground to cover, which he did, seriously. He then dived, rolled, skidded, twisted, twirled and turned over ending up flat on his stomach with the ball lodged in his back side. That was the last ball of their innings, thank goodness. A few of the guys were seen thanking the heavens for getting them through that traumatic experience. At the end of this carnage we had 245 runs to get to win. This was about 198 runs beyond our wildest dreams.

Not to worry. The DL formula was back in action in the batting line up. Dias-Las were sent out to bat and they had already knocked off 75 runs even before facing a ball based on the latest version of the DL formula (v323214) that now uses very sophisticated algorithms to determine a fair score for the openers – particularly one opener that would otherwise not have a single run to his name.

You might recall the last time the DL formula was updated it took into account what the batsmen had eaten the previous night and whether they had a good night’s sleep. Now the formula also takes into account a few other key factors that can't be revealed due to the fact nobody knows what they are and we would not be able to make up a score if we were to reveal this information.

The batting got off to a flyer, that is once Las started facing the ball. He hit a quick fire 27 before holing out to slip after trying to reverse sweep the fast bowler. Then Saj came and took over where Las left off. He contributed a solid 44, during which time he lost his partner – the Stig – who was simply watching the proceedings from the other end – something he is good at. The Stig, who's average is back to being very average, had been given lbw and had to be carried off the field, kicking and screaming. Asked why he was crying, the Stig said someone said something to him. Asked what had been said, he said “I don't know machang, but the bugger said something, no?” An inquiry has been launched.

Charuka went out to set matters straight. Instead he was sent straight back a few balls later. He too was lbw. But unlike the Stig, he accepted his decision like a man. Someone said something to him too, but he wasn't bothered because he understood it and it was just directions back to the hut.

It's usually about now that the number 8, 9 and 10 batsmen start padding up as it is usually on a matter of minutes before they have to strut their stuff. However, Rajitha was sent out with instructions to ‘Stay there! No hurry!’. Saj and Raja got a great partnership going. But then Saj decided to invent a new stroke. He hit a full toss straight onto his helmut and was caught at covers! This stroke has been named the Saj HammerHead… He was seen wobbling off the field and he kept asking everyone to stop repeating themselves. He is still hearing echoes and sees the occasional satellite.

Sam then put his bat into autopilot mode and started the rebuilding. But then his bat mis-hit a ball onto his pad and he was given out for no good reason at all. He has lodged a service request with Graynicolls and is considering burning down his umpiring institute.

Meanwhile Rajitha who was worried about being spotted by a Police helicopter, decided to make the area a no fly zone by pumping a few sixes. He made it to 49 before resuming his nap back in the hut. This set the cat among the pigeons but we only needed another 40 odd runs in 5 overs. Ricky and Vasee were out there to get us home.

That is until Vasee got a bit tired and decided to take a nap in the middle of the pitch. He told the bowler to wake him up when he was ready to bowl. The bowler chose to get him out while he was sleeping instead. We had been penalised an over by the umpire for the time it took to fetch all those balls from neighboring suburbs. No leniency was given for having to wait for balls to re-enter the stratoshpere either. So it was touch and go stuff.

Ani joined Ricky in the middle to score the remaining 20 runs in about 2.5 overs. Then it was 12 needed off 7 balls. Ani swung and managed to connect his bat with a low flying fly. So it was down to the last over with still 12 needed. The flies declared the area as a no fly zone at this point.

A drink was sent out to Ricky with a few words of wisdom. A Lack of Brains and Trust and Skill (LOBATs) meeting ensued in the middle. The meeting minutes indicate that Ricky said he appreciated the drink but didn't care for the wisdom. That was probably a result of the ‘wiseman saying’ at the last match that resulted in so many missed chances.

So Ricky took strike. He swung and missed. 12 off 5 required. Next ball, swung again and missed – 12 off 4. Next ball swung and bottom edged, stealing a single. Ani then swung and missed. 11 off 2 required. The next ball was another single, which meant we needed a no-ball and two sixes. There was no no-ball and no six. It came down to the wire again, except this time Ricky didn't go nuts at the end of the game. Instead there were a few ‘aiyos’ followed by cherios…

The Scorecard

Part II - A gift not accepted is not a gift to begin with... or something like that

To make a long story even longer, after the major recruitment drive, Sat came and two minutes before the start of the match, we had 12 players. This included the recruit from the SCG. In the line up was Rambo (aka Aneesh), making his first appearance for the season. In the off season he has been training in the Kuringai jungle and now his biceps are the size of tree trunks. Everyone was careful not to upset him even by mistake.

For once, it looked like we had a team that could win a match, at least on paper, as Charuka aptly pointed out. Ricky tossed, lost, then told the opposition we would bat and ordered his team to pad up. Yes, you read that correctly - he lost the toss and said we would bat. He's not called Tricky Ricky for no reason - actually he is, but we've now found a reason.

When our new recruit, Vasee, learnt we were batting and he was listed at #8, he said he would move his car and come back only to find that he couldn't find his car keys. The drama off the field never stops. He was told by Charuka not to stray too far from the boys because after the second wicket falls, normally everyone gets to bat very quickly. He thought Charuka was joking. We informed him that we were deadly serious. He laughed nervously.

The batting was the usual LOBAT performance, as in there were very few performances to talk about except for one name in the score book that is consistently the top scorer in our side, year after year – his name is Mr Sundries. In fact there was one over where Mr Sundries clocked 7 runs, which is quite an achievement for a LOBAT.

The openers got us to about 50+ and were looking steady. Then Ricky threatened to declare unless he got to bat. He had moved himself down the order, for no reason at all, once again. Soon the two openers were back in the hut and Lasi had replaced Saj who knocked a fluent 25 runs with some beautiful boundaries.

Aneesh went to bat at # 4 and was told to stay there. He did - for a few balls. The first ball he faced (which mind you is the first ball he faced in two years) was hit for a massive 6 that went into a neighbouring suburb. A few balls later, he was walking back to the hut after adding 20 to the score. In theory if all our batsmen did this, we would have 200 runs in less than 10 overs, which would be a winning score and an early end to the day. The suggestion has been tabled for consideration by the senior members of the Lack of Brains And Trust & skill. Will keep you posted on the outcome there – don't hold your breath, they're not too good with theory or anything for that matter.

Meanwhile, we are sticking to our strengths. As Charuka had warned Vasee, within a matter of balls and  minutes, Vasee (the # 8 batsman) was out in the middle. We had gone from 53 for no loss to 98 for 7! In the middle, waiting for Vasee was Sam, who was continuing his brilliant form with the bat. The two experienced campaigners set about resurrecting the carnage. Sam’s $500 bat was showing us why it was worth every penny. It comes with a remote control and a mind of its own. Our entire middle order was seen on their phones, ordering the same bat. Prasad is considering an upgrade as well.

Meanwhile, Vasee was providing a running commentary while batting, which entertained both sides. Ricky who was umpiring at the time said even O'Keefe would have been proud of Vasee's commentary. He was telling the bowler it was a good ball even before he played his shot, then he would tap the ball into a gap and call for 3 runs only to barely complete a single. This went on until Sam and Vasee got us past 150 without fuss.

Chris was getting a bit itchy to bat. After watching Clarke score 329, Chris decided to take all the stickers off his bat too. He was looking to snag a new sponsor as well. Chris removed the batteries from Sam's remote control and he was clean bowled the next ball. Sam got a standing ovation because none of the guys had any seats and the ants were nibbling away at their bottoms.

Chris then provided a display of batting rarely seen. He stroked a few beautiful leaves followed by a couple of nice flicks to take him to a quick fire 5. He was then caught on the boundary attempting to double his score. When he got back to the hut we noticed he had snagged a couple of new sponsors – two dead flies were found stuck to the glue left over from the stickers he had removed off his bat. He was a proud man. Simran then took the reins, ducking and weaving good length balls, followed by clocking a 4. We ended on 161, with Vasee not out on 26.

The bowlers were happy for a change that the match was likely to last more than 10 overs. That was until we saw what their batsmen had in mind.

Las and Fonzy bowled a few good balls in between the bad ones that were called for wide or clobbered. Two of those bad balls got two of their top batsmen out. One of these batsmen had scored a 100 against us last time, so we thought we had won the match. But then the other opener started hammering everything. Rambo was given the ball. He declared war. Unfortunately the opposition was armed with bigger guns and they started firing back. A few trees ended up losing limbs from the sixes that resulted. In the crossfire, Rambo took one to the back and was sidelined – he was seen stitching himself under a tree later.

Ricky then took the ball and decided to finish his over. By drinks - the halfway mark - they were only 3 down and needed only another 48 runs. Ricky decided to spike his own drink – something he learnt in Phuket. After drinks he went nuts. He gathered the guys into a huddle and yelled something at everyone. No one knew what was said but everyone nodded. The batsmen gifted us a couple of catches but we refused to accept them on grounds that a gift from an opponent is not a gift to begin with if it is not accepted - or something along those lines that a wiseman once said, but we can't quite remember...

The opener was still pumping everything to the boundary. Ricky started changing his field around. When someone asked him what the plan was, he said it was ‘to confuse everybody’. It worked. The batsman hammered one of Ricky's balls straight back at him, faster than the speed of light. Ricky, who at this point was in a zone reserved only for the likes of Keanu Reeves and Ani, gathered himself from his follow through, bent down, swayed out of the way of the ball, let the ball fly past his ear, turned around and snatched the ball from behind after it had passed him. As the ball was travelling faster than the speed of light, no one but Ricky and Keanu had seen it. The batsman and everyone else for that matter were stunned.

Ricky was in the Matrix - something he had mastered from all those practice sessions with Ani and those trips to Phuket. We had finally broken the unbreakable partnership. Now everyone wanted Ricky to spike their drinks. The team was pumped.

That lasted one or two balls until the other batsman started pumping everything. Ricky once again took the ball and had it whizzing past the batsmen. Unfortunately it was whizzing past the stumps too. This pissed him off. He made it personal. He started having words with the off stump, but the stump was unmoved. The very next ball he nailed the off stump and let out a blood curling scream. We now had them 5 down. But they only needed another 31 runs.

Once again, Ricky engaged his 'confuse everyone' strategy and put all the fielders on the boundary to confuse the new batsman. This even confused the birds who decided to take a different flight path over the grounds. Another partnership started building. Ricky's confusion strategy had run its course, so Charuka took to his strategy of putting ideas into the batsmen's heads. He kept saying how the batsman was unable to score runs in front of the wicket until he decided to prove Charuka wrong. He hit a ball up in the air to mid-off who had to back peddle – to run away from the catch. When mid-off turned around the ball was right above his head, so he put his hand up to knock it away. It went straight up off his hand so he kept trying to push the ball away until it stuck in his hand on the fifth attempt. The crowd went nuts. Ok, that's an exaggeration, there was no crowd, it was just Ricky.

Batsmen then came and went. They didn't like Charuka's taunts. Their skipper strolled out to the middle and took guard. They now had two wickets in hand and only needed 12 to win. He looked like he could bat until his first shot was a dolly straight to mid-on where the safe hands of Las refused to accept another gift from the opposition – that wiseman thing again. He picked the ball up from the ground and passed it back to Ricky who accidentally hit the stumps on his way back to bowl the next ball. He said sorry to the umpire, who gave the batsman out – run out. The batsman had assumed the catch would be taken and managed to run himself out after it was dropped. It was a win-win-win. Las refused the gift, the team got another $2 for their trip to Phuket and the team got the wicket.

Finally the last man had to get the 12 runs to win and we thought we had it... but we didn't! Ricky got pumped for a 4. Then Fonzy who was bowling on the other end got pumped for a 4. He then got a nick that Charuka and the Stig clearly heard, but Vasee who was keeping at the time said they were hearing things. The keeper then got a couple of gift catches that were refused on principle again.

Now they needed only 3 runs. Dilshan's overs were finished so we turned to Las. It was a match that could have been. We had come so close. Las ran in and bowled a wide down leg side, which meant they would have tied the scores because they were setting off for a single as well. But the batsman managed to top edge the ball somehow and it started going towards square leg. Dilshan was in the middle of a conversation with the square let umpire and had to be interrupted. He moved to his left, and we quickly told him to go the other way. He did. He started concocting his apology before he caught the ball and the match was won in epic fashion. Ricky went wild.

More pictures from recruitment drive...
The team scorecard >>

An epic week... the lead up to the game... part 1

Epic! If you were to describe this last match, that would be the word - epic. And the drama as always started well before the match.

As usual, mid-week Ricky sent out an email to confirm players. This was immediately followed by an sos saying we only had 7 players eventhough 70 people were on the email list. This resulted in a series of events that unfolded into an epic match. Let's recap.

Due to the consistent shortage of players, the LOBATs have been on a recruitment drive. Certain elite team members have been spotted in all sorts of dodgy places, such as dark alleys, curry restaurants, aunty's barbeques, the airport etc walking up to anyone that looks like subcontinental chap (aka kalu pora) and asking them if they play cricket. If the response is that they do, we quickly move on to the next guy and ask them until we come across someone that says no. Then we launch into our recruitment pitch that is so effective that even Amway has been trying to copy our techniques.

For those that actually pay attention to what is written in this post, you might be thinking there was a typo in the previous paragraph. There probably was, but you didn't misread anything. Yes, it is true that we only recruit those who say they have never played cricket before and there is a very good reason for this.

Let me explain.

One of the founding principles of the LOBATs was that only players that couldn't bat, bowl or field were signed up as elite members of the team. This has worked well for us over the years. In fact, this worked so well, that the principle was soon embraced by the PDCA (Paramatta District Cricket Association) and then made it's way up to CA (Cricket Australia). This was due to the fact that these cricketing bodies have some very good grass roots programs and when they saw how we managed to make it to two grand finals and win with our amazing noskill strategy, they adopted this principle as well. That is why CA dropped Warne and McGrath and all those other top performers. And as you saw last week, it's working wonders! Now even the Indian and Lankan national sides have adopted this modern management technique.

But I digress. The point is now that the PDCA is enforcing this policy, we have been a bit hamstrung. As soon as someone says they can play, the PDCA tells us we can't register them. Like all good strategies, once everyone adopts it, it stops working for the guys that invented it.

However, this week we were in luck. When Ricky sent out his usual sos that we needed to kick the recruitment drive into overdrive, your correspondent was on duty covering the match at the SCG, sitting with Duke in front of the Indian team in the Members Stand. This was a PDCA recruiter's dream. An email was quickly sent to Ricky, Peter and Greg - the chief recruiters - telling them 'not to worry'. There were 15 guys who couldn't bat, bowl and field behind us and they were all curries. Problem solved.

Not quite. A name was sent to Greg to register. A request came back asking if he had ever played before and what his stats were. An email went back saying he had just finished batting and his average was very average. This resulted in a series of emails which resulted in more emails.  

Meanwhile we had to wait for the PDCA to make a decision on whether our new recruit would be permitted to play. This meant we were running out of time to find another recruit. Then your correspondent had a bright idea. As this is a very rare thing he quickly made a note in his diary of the time and place of this idea but he forget to make a note of the idea. So a few minutes later he only had proof of - nothing really. So we decided to go straight to the top for a decision. A message was sent to Julia Gillard, who was also seen at the SCG – it looked like everyone was at the SCG.

Gillard's response was that of a seasoned politician: ‘I'm sorry boys, I can't make a decision.’ We asked why. She said she didn’t know how to. And then she added that even if she could, it would not be up to her. When we told her that we thought the buck stopped with her, her response was priceless. She said if we had a buck it would definitely stop with her. Unfortunately all we had were headaches and those get passed on to her PR team that have the same standard response. This response will not be reprinted here because this is a family publication that doesn't just publish any rubbish.

Our hands were tied. But Baulkham Hills Club veteran problem solver Greg (aka Bond) said 'not to worry', he'll get it sorted... Meanwhile, also sitting with the Indian team was Rajitha and the Stig. The Stig was on the phone to his mother shouting at the top of his voice that his average was 244. He was hoping the Indian team management was listening and would ask him to pad up ahead of Tendulkar. Unfortunately the team management was busy discussing the merits of the DRS.

Rajitha meanwhile was hiding from all cameras to make sure he was not spotted by the Hamas, MI5, Abbas and his boss who are all still looking for him. He said he might make an appearance at our game and asked us to hold our breath. We gave him the same response Gillard's PR team gave us.

At this point you are probably wondering if you are going to read about any cricket at all. Then again, you would only be wondering that if you have never followed the LOBATs before... with the LOBATs, cricket has very little to do with anything. It never gets in the way of a good story.

… to be continued (go to next page: Part 2)

See pictures of the potential recruits that were spotted at the SCG over the week...

Another drama filled LOBATs match... sad day for the Stig

Ricky was in a panic. It was another drama filled LOBATs cricket match in the making. Except this time, the match hadn't even begun. With the LOBATs there is no real need for cricket for there to be drama.

Ricky was calling everyone and as soon as all the machangs saw it was Ricky calling, they accidentally swiped their smartphones the wrong way, sending Ricky to voicemail.

Ricky then called this correspondent and asked what to do. Apparently 50 people had been asked to play on Saturday and 75 had confirmed, but Ricky knew that only 6 would show up. Ricky was told to apply a bit of pressure on a few of the guys. He said he was trying but all the pressure was going to voicemail and now all these voicemails had him under severe pressure.

He said he couldn't understand how he was getting the voicemail of everyone he was calling, even his Mum. He wondered whether something was wrong with the phone networks. Then it was pointed out to him that a smartphone in the hands of a LOBAT (Lack of Brains and Trust) was the equivalent a pen in the hands of a monkey. This of course didn't explain why his Mum was not answering his calls, but he was satisfied.

Then a day before the match, Fonzy shot out an e-mail saying he had listened to his voicemail and wouldn't cave in to any pressure tactics. He made it clear that he had dealt with the mafia in Harare and Ricky didn't scare him. This got Ricky scared.

Meanwhile Las was also missing in action. One of the guys said that an article in Woman's Day was claiming that Las had eloped and was likely to be a no show. So all eyes were now on Rajitha. As you know from last week's report, Raja was being hunted down by the CIA, MI5, Hamas and Abbas.

News is that now the Taliban had sent scouts to learn how Rajitha was terrorising innocent neighborhoods around Sydney. Numerous citizens have complained about broken windows and roof tiles every time Rajitha was bowling in their area. So the Taliban have started a boot camp to train an army of bowlers to imitate Rajitha's action and they want Rajitha to be their head bowling coach.

In the midst of all this, the Stig was reportedly walking around town, stopping random people on the street and telling them he was averaging 244. Most people ran the other way, but one guy responded by saying, ‘Oh yeh, that's pritty average, ey?’ The Stig was seen chasing him down the street asking him to go back to New Zealand.

Finally Saturday rolled around and Ricky was the only one at the grounds. At first he thought he was at the wrong grounds as usual, but then when the opposition showed up, he worried that his worst fears had been realised – there had in fact been a problem with the phone network and nobody got those voicemails. He started working the phone like a stock broker in a crashing market. This time he blocked his caller ID and people started picking up.

He won the toss and decided to bat. We got off to an incredibly slow start with the Stig trying to protect his average. He was letting everything go. Peter had informed the other side that the way to get him out was with a few choice sledges. So the opposition were working him hard. Of course, this was meant to be reverse psychology. The Stig digs in when the opposition taunt him, so Peter was hoping that he would get angry enough to carry his bat through the innings again.

Instead, Saj, the other opener, appeared to be getting upset by the taunting and started hammering boundaries. We got to about 70 for no loss before Saj departed. He gave way to Charuka who settled in and got going. The Stig finally decided to hit one ball and gifted a simple catch to point. In a single moment of madness his average dropped to 135. He had to be counseled in the hut by the team psychologist, who's only words of wisdom were ‘What goes up, must come down!’

At this stage, although it appeared that the Stig was having a funeral in the pavilion, we were actually looking good. With Charuka clocking boundaries, we were only 2 down for about 90+ runs. Ricky, who had replaced the Stig, also decided to start hammering boundaries. Then Charuka hit one in the air, the fielder ran a 100 meters, dived and literally caught the ball in one hand about 2cms off the ground. The LOBATs who are used to seeing all sorts of amazing catches dropped in style, couldn't believe their eyes and gave the fielder a standing ovation. Charuka thought the standing ovation was for him and took his hat off.

Dilshan replaced Charuka. Ricky then clubbed a few more before being clean bowled. Asked what happened, he said he had never faced such a good ball in his life. Apparently it moved through the air, bounced off the pitch, went past the bat and pummeled into middle of middle. The only thing the ball didn't do was a couple of circles around his bat before hitting the wicket. We were 103 for 3.

Dilshan blocked a few before deciding he needed to find the boundary. The very next ball, he found the boundary as he stepped over it, on his way back to the hut. It was now up to Sam David to pull us out of this hole. Mr David, picked up where he left off last week and was leaving balls beautifully and then stroking fours in Tendulkar fashion. When he realised he was not Tendulkar he walked off the field, but not before a solid contribution.

Then Duke strolled out and started dispatching the bowler to all parts. He was hammering massive shots. One ball soared to the longest boundary and missed a six by a whisker. The next one was clipped off his toes and it would have easily been a six if the boundary was at least 50m closer. Instead he was caught. This meant it was Prasad's turn.

Prasad was so happy to go out to try his brand new bat that didn't even have a spec of dust on it. He swung at the first one and then at the second one – they both ended up in the keeper’s hand. It appeared the bat was faulty. He called out for the user manual and gave it a once over. The third ball hit the edge of the bat and bobbed up to the short cover fielder. He stormed back and pulled out the warranty of the bat and said he was going to return it on the grounds that it's not scoring any runs! Sidebar: Please note, this is Prasad Perera, and not the retired Prasad Chelliah who has been scoring runs at home quietly - he hit a 50 recently.)

From that point on, well suffice it to say, we were all out for 120. Chris Gunton managed to remain not out and said he was confident he would now beat the Stig's average given the Stig was on the way down and he was on the way up.

There was nothing to report from the bowling performance except that the opposition is the one that performed, scoring all the required runs for the loss of just 1 wicket. The only other chance the LOBATs had at a wicket was when 2 runs were required to win and the batsman clocked a six that the Stig had lined up on the boundary perfectly. The ball went straight through his hands and ended up over the boundary. Duke, who was the bowler at the time, was later seen telling the Stig he thought he had swallowed that catch. The Stig informed him that the only thing he swallows these days were fish cutlets.

After the match, the Stig was harassing this correspondent for an interview. When he was told that there was nothing to interview, given his current average average, he threatened legal action. The editor folded and agreed to an interview. Stay tuned for that – it should be our shortest column yet. Howzat?
 

Scoreboard...