When you thought you’d seen it all, another epic with a few differences

What is it about the LOBATs and epic matches? Just when you thought you’d seen it all, you see it again.

There were a few differences this time around though. Probably for the first time this season, Ricky sent an e-mail around saying we had too many players. We initially thought Ricky had trouble counting. He was probably confusing people's nicknames with their real names and was double counting. But the accounting was right. We had 14 players. The recruitment drive had worked and now we had a good list of players who don't bat, bowl or field.

Immediately a few veterans made themselves unavailable just to stress Ricky out. One of those veterans was Rajitha. But we told him nothing doing mate (or was it machang) and in the end we had 12. In case you’re wondering how we found Rajitha who has been missing for these past 5 weeks, apparently his wife woke up one morning and found him asleep under the covers. She hadn't noticed him there for the past 5 weeks. So she woke him up and we got him to the grounds.

Ricky lost another toss. This time the opposing captain was one step ahead of Ricky and said they would bat before he could open his mouth. For the first time Ricky decided to open the bowling himself, still on a high from the damage he did with the ball the previous week. On the other side was Ani, who had fled the country late last year and somehow slipped through immigration back into the country. He was told to terrorise the batsmen. Instead, he terrorised the fielders.

One of the opening batsmen thought he was Warner and started swinging the bat at everything. At best he was a very distant cousin because after a couple of sixes he missed a straight one and was given lbw. The umpire appeared to be a disciple the Sam David's umpiring institute – he was a trigger happy fellow.

There were some classic moments during their innings. Their first drop was a machang from the hood – actually Angoda. Charuka and the slips started distracting the machang with a bit of a Sinhalese chat. It was working for a while with him missing a few balls, but then he dispatched one into the playground. We asked him to be careful because there were kids playing there. He obeyed and started blocking until he knicked one.

He was replaced by a lanky young chap who hit his first ball for six by mistake that really impressed Vasee who gave him a standing ovation. This fellow later had to dive into the crease to make his ground, resulting in a rather scratched elbow. Charuka immediately showed his concern by telling the batsman that he should get himself out and have his elbow cleaned up.

When that didn't work, we decided to change things up and threw the ball to the Stig. Seeing what was happening to all the bowlers who actually knew how to bowl he quickly threw the ball to Rajitha like a hot potato. Rajitha said he was going to bowl ‘pace’. He had everyone scared, except for the batsmen. We then realised we had mis-heard him. Apparently he was going to bowl ‘space’ - balls that would be launched into ‘outer space’.

For a while it looked like a few satelittes were in danger of being damaged. We were bracing ourselves for an international incident. Then Ricky, forever the diplomat, decided to avert such an incident and looked around for someone else to bowl. Suddenly everyone had their backs turned, except for the Stig. He was given the ball.

His pies were also sent into orbit. The keeper asked him to keep it on the ‘off’ and give it a good spin. That's exactly what he did. The ball pitched about halfway down the pitch and went straight on so slowly that the batsman was spining after taking a huge swipe missing and then swiping again. The ball finally trickled past the batsman and onto the stump. While the ball hadn't spun at all, both the Stig and the batsman were still spining in one place while everyone else was hi-fiving Vasee for no good reason at all.

After we introduced a new rule that a lost ball was out, we managed to get wickets on a regular basis in between the sixes that were being dispatched to the car park, the street, the tennis court and the neighbouring suburbs. But although we had a regular procession of batsmen, there was one guy on their side that was a big bully.

One ball he hit and then ran and tackled Saj – the bowler - for no good reason at all. This guy was the size of a sumo wrestler, so when we saw Saj flatenned from the tackle we started dialing the paramedics. Unfortunately the mobile phone network was down after a few satellites had been decommissioned during Rajitha's bowling. So we asked Saj to get on with it.

The sumo wrestler then clocked a catch at the speed of light back to Ricky off Ricky's bowling. We were all watching for a replay of last week's Matrix moves. Instead this episode ended with a few ‘aiyos’. The sequel of most shows are usually not as good as the original.  Ricky was seen rubbing his ego after that while Ani (aka Keanu) was seen showing him what he did wrong - bowling rubbish.

We finally managed to get the sumo batsman to mis-hit a ball that went straight up. Charuka had some serious ground to cover, which he did, seriously. He then dived, rolled, skidded, twisted, twirled and turned over ending up flat on his stomach with the ball lodged in his back side. That was the last ball of their innings, thank goodness. A few of the guys were seen thanking the heavens for getting them through that traumatic experience. At the end of this carnage we had 245 runs to get to win. This was about 198 runs beyond our wildest dreams.

Not to worry. The DL formula was back in action in the batting line up. Dias-Las were sent out to bat and they had already knocked off 75 runs even before facing a ball based on the latest version of the DL formula (v323214) that now uses very sophisticated algorithms to determine a fair score for the openers – particularly one opener that would otherwise not have a single run to his name.

You might recall the last time the DL formula was updated it took into account what the batsmen had eaten the previous night and whether they had a good night’s sleep. Now the formula also takes into account a few other key factors that can't be revealed due to the fact nobody knows what they are and we would not be able to make up a score if we were to reveal this information.

The batting got off to a flyer, that is once Las started facing the ball. He hit a quick fire 27 before holing out to slip after trying to reverse sweep the fast bowler. Then Saj came and took over where Las left off. He contributed a solid 44, during which time he lost his partner – the Stig – who was simply watching the proceedings from the other end – something he is good at. The Stig, who's average is back to being very average, had been given lbw and had to be carried off the field, kicking and screaming. Asked why he was crying, the Stig said someone said something to him. Asked what had been said, he said “I don't know machang, but the bugger said something, no?” An inquiry has been launched.

Charuka went out to set matters straight. Instead he was sent straight back a few balls later. He too was lbw. But unlike the Stig, he accepted his decision like a man. Someone said something to him too, but he wasn't bothered because he understood it and it was just directions back to the hut.

It's usually about now that the number 8, 9 and 10 batsmen start padding up as it is usually on a matter of minutes before they have to strut their stuff. However, Rajitha was sent out with instructions to ‘Stay there! No hurry!’. Saj and Raja got a great partnership going. But then Saj decided to invent a new stroke. He hit a full toss straight onto his helmut and was caught at covers! This stroke has been named the Saj HammerHead… He was seen wobbling off the field and he kept asking everyone to stop repeating themselves. He is still hearing echoes and sees the occasional satellite.

Sam then put his bat into autopilot mode and started the rebuilding. But then his bat mis-hit a ball onto his pad and he was given out for no good reason at all. He has lodged a service request with Graynicolls and is considering burning down his umpiring institute.

Meanwhile Rajitha who was worried about being spotted by a Police helicopter, decided to make the area a no fly zone by pumping a few sixes. He made it to 49 before resuming his nap back in the hut. This set the cat among the pigeons but we only needed another 40 odd runs in 5 overs. Ricky and Vasee were out there to get us home.

That is until Vasee got a bit tired and decided to take a nap in the middle of the pitch. He told the bowler to wake him up when he was ready to bowl. The bowler chose to get him out while he was sleeping instead. We had been penalised an over by the umpire for the time it took to fetch all those balls from neighboring suburbs. No leniency was given for having to wait for balls to re-enter the stratoshpere either. So it was touch and go stuff.

Ani joined Ricky in the middle to score the remaining 20 runs in about 2.5 overs. Then it was 12 needed off 7 balls. Ani swung and managed to connect his bat with a low flying fly. So it was down to the last over with still 12 needed. The flies declared the area as a no fly zone at this point.

A drink was sent out to Ricky with a few words of wisdom. A Lack of Brains and Trust and Skill (LOBATs) meeting ensued in the middle. The meeting minutes indicate that Ricky said he appreciated the drink but didn't care for the wisdom. That was probably a result of the ‘wiseman saying’ at the last match that resulted in so many missed chances.

So Ricky took strike. He swung and missed. 12 off 5 required. Next ball, swung again and missed – 12 off 4. Next ball swung and bottom edged, stealing a single. Ani then swung and missed. 11 off 2 required. The next ball was another single, which meant we needed a no-ball and two sixes. There was no no-ball and no six. It came down to the wire again, except this time Ricky didn't go nuts at the end of the game. Instead there were a few ‘aiyos’ followed by cherios…

The Scorecard