An epic week... the lead up to the game... part 1

Epic! If you were to describe this last match, that would be the word - epic. And the drama as always started well before the match.

As usual, mid-week Ricky sent out an email to confirm players. This was immediately followed by an sos saying we only had 7 players eventhough 70 people were on the email list. This resulted in a series of events that unfolded into an epic match. Let's recap.

Due to the consistent shortage of players, the LOBATs have been on a recruitment drive. Certain elite team members have been spotted in all sorts of dodgy places, such as dark alleys, curry restaurants, aunty's barbeques, the airport etc walking up to anyone that looks like subcontinental chap (aka kalu pora) and asking them if they play cricket. If the response is that they do, we quickly move on to the next guy and ask them until we come across someone that says no. Then we launch into our recruitment pitch that is so effective that even Amway has been trying to copy our techniques.

For those that actually pay attention to what is written in this post, you might be thinking there was a typo in the previous paragraph. There probably was, but you didn't misread anything. Yes, it is true that we only recruit those who say they have never played cricket before and there is a very good reason for this.

Let me explain.

One of the founding principles of the LOBATs was that only players that couldn't bat, bowl or field were signed up as elite members of the team. This has worked well for us over the years. In fact, this worked so well, that the principle was soon embraced by the PDCA (Paramatta District Cricket Association) and then made it's way up to CA (Cricket Australia). This was due to the fact that these cricketing bodies have some very good grass roots programs and when they saw how we managed to make it to two grand finals and win with our amazing noskill strategy, they adopted this principle as well. That is why CA dropped Warne and McGrath and all those other top performers. And as you saw last week, it's working wonders! Now even the Indian and Lankan national sides have adopted this modern management technique.

But I digress. The point is now that the PDCA is enforcing this policy, we have been a bit hamstrung. As soon as someone says they can play, the PDCA tells us we can't register them. Like all good strategies, once everyone adopts it, it stops working for the guys that invented it.

However, this week we were in luck. When Ricky sent out his usual sos that we needed to kick the recruitment drive into overdrive, your correspondent was on duty covering the match at the SCG, sitting with Duke in front of the Indian team in the Members Stand. This was a PDCA recruiter's dream. An email was quickly sent to Ricky, Peter and Greg - the chief recruiters - telling them 'not to worry'. There were 15 guys who couldn't bat, bowl and field behind us and they were all curries. Problem solved.

Not quite. A name was sent to Greg to register. A request came back asking if he had ever played before and what his stats were. An email went back saying he had just finished batting and his average was very average. This resulted in a series of emails which resulted in more emails.  

Meanwhile we had to wait for the PDCA to make a decision on whether our new recruit would be permitted to play. This meant we were running out of time to find another recruit. Then your correspondent had a bright idea. As this is a very rare thing he quickly made a note in his diary of the time and place of this idea but he forget to make a note of the idea. So a few minutes later he only had proof of - nothing really. So we decided to go straight to the top for a decision. A message was sent to Julia Gillard, who was also seen at the SCG – it looked like everyone was at the SCG.

Gillard's response was that of a seasoned politician: ‘I'm sorry boys, I can't make a decision.’ We asked why. She said she didn’t know how to. And then she added that even if she could, it would not be up to her. When we told her that we thought the buck stopped with her, her response was priceless. She said if we had a buck it would definitely stop with her. Unfortunately all we had were headaches and those get passed on to her PR team that have the same standard response. This response will not be reprinted here because this is a family publication that doesn't just publish any rubbish.

Our hands were tied. But Baulkham Hills Club veteran problem solver Greg (aka Bond) said 'not to worry', he'll get it sorted... Meanwhile, also sitting with the Indian team was Rajitha and the Stig. The Stig was on the phone to his mother shouting at the top of his voice that his average was 244. He was hoping the Indian team management was listening and would ask him to pad up ahead of Tendulkar. Unfortunately the team management was busy discussing the merits of the DRS.

Rajitha meanwhile was hiding from all cameras to make sure he was not spotted by the Hamas, MI5, Abbas and his boss who are all still looking for him. He said he might make an appearance at our game and asked us to hold our breath. We gave him the same response Gillard's PR team gave us.

At this point you are probably wondering if you are going to read about any cricket at all. Then again, you would only be wondering that if you have never followed the LOBATs before... with the LOBATs, cricket has very little to do with anything. It never gets in the way of a good story.

… to be continued (go to next page: Part 2)

See pictures of the potential recruits that were spotted at the SCG over the week...