A follower (ok! the only follower) of the Baulkham Hills LOBATs cricket team recently woke up from a drunken slumber and wondered whatever happened to the team that was once in the news on a weekly basis for absolutely no good reason at all.
This simple question led to a series of events that has brought about this latest story. And there is only one reason for this story. And that one reason is not that the team is back, because it isn't, really – only half a team have been showing up to games after the first thrashing received at the start of the season. It isn't to update everyone on our performances, because there haven't been any performances, really. It isn't even to thank or acknowledge anyone for some incredibly selfless, heroic or generous act either, because there has been none of that either. So what then?
It is simply to inform all and sundry that the LOBATs team has been hiding an ace for these past few years. If your first thought is: ‘Really?’ you’re not off the mark. Furthermore, no one would look at you funny (at least some of you) if you were to ask why would any team hide talent? Then again, the only reason you would ask such a question of the LOBATs is if you didn't know anything about the team.
So let me give you some background. Here’s the series of events that led to this latent talent being discovered. One fine Saturday morning… sorry, let's be accurate… one fine Sat afternoon Amit (who some of you know as Amitabh Bachchan) woke up and went back to sleep. Later he found nothing to eat in his fridge and decided to drive to the shops. He noticed a few lads in whites on a pitch. All sorts of flashbacks came to him –most of them terrified him.
Amit is the guy who when he first showed up to play for us we asked if he could bat to which he said ‘no’. We then asked what he bowled, to which he said he didn't do that either. He was immediately drafted to the side as a kindred spirit.
Seeing those boys in white, he now felt a strong yearning to get back onto the field, so he called Ricky Kapoor (aka Trickster, Punter, and a host of other less flattering names that can't be published here). Ricky said he knew exactly what to do and asked Amit to pick him up. Amit refused. This led to the typical exchange of noises between Ricky and Amit that we have heard time and again in the middle when the two were negotiating a run. Almost always those exchanges ended with one of them shouting ‘banchot’ while walking off the field in disgust. Everyone else would be on the floor laughing. This negotiation also ended in banchot Ricky deciding to pick up Amit and they drove to Charuka's house for a parlez. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the term – this is a sit down with a mafia boss.
Small sidebar: Let me get a few facts straight before the real god father (the smiling assassin) gets offended and orders a hit. The real god father, who has retired to a quiet life of lawn moving on weekends with his fancy Honda lawn mover, no longer gets involved in team decisions although he does keep a close eye on things from a far… well, not that far – Eastwood, really.
So the young guns, Ricky, Amit and Lasitha got Charuka's blessing to resurrect the team. A tender was developed and put out to market. When no one responded, they put out an SOS. When that resulted in nothing, they checked Interpol to track down some of the old crew. Finally, they hatched an ingenious plan. They put out a tweet.
Those of you who have kept up with the times will know how powerful Twitter can be. After this tweet resulted in Mubarak and Gaddafi being toppled, a new team was formed. In the process the senior members that used to be the pillars of the old Lack of Brains and Trust and Skill (LOBATs) had lost their base of power. Ricky was the new leader. He now no longer needed to pad up at home and come to the ground before everyone else in the hope he would get to bat up the order. He was the order!
This news sent shock waves through the world, and the global economy collapsed once again. Ricky was unmoved as his finances had collapsed well before the global economies. His sidekick was Las and as we all know, nothing bothers Las. When the senior members found out what happened, Rajitha promptly asked ‘What happened?’ Those of you who know Raja, know he is a man of few words… well, not really… but at least when he is sleeping under his cricket hat awaiting his turn to bat, he only says a few words – ‘Stay there’ followed by ‘What happened’. The ‘What happened’ usually comes very quickly after the ‘Stay there’ as the batsman finds himself back in the dressing room the very next ball.
So, to Rajitha's question of ‘What happened’, Charuka told him about the tweet and how there was a new leadership team. Rajitha asked ‘What the hell is a tweet?’ and then asked if it was tasty. He thought it was a new type of sandwich or Lankan patis. He was told to go back to sleep.
With this new team, anyone who would make us look bad was immediately cut. Nirav Goradia and Stanley Sebastien were immediately dropped from the side. Ricky promised a fresh start. Blood had been let and a new era had begun.
For those of you wondering why Nirav and Stana were cut from the side, suffice it to say that Nirav would bowl 55 of our 65 overs, take all the wickets and then send Stanley to score all the runs by himself. This made everyone else look bad. We all agreed we would have none of that this season. Anirudh (aka Anuradha to Rajitha) was promoted to open the bowling and the batting. A fresh face – Simran - was picked out of school cricket to beef up the bowling attack.
Sam David was offered a contract provided he agreed not to umpire. Dilshan (aka Fonzy) was summoned and made to travel three hours to every match after it was discovered he had moved to a location in the country where he gets to Sydney by boat! He says he loves it there as it brings back fond memories of how he got to Sydney in the first place…
Chani signed up, took the money and never showed up to a match. He was seen last Friday painting the town red, calling himself a professional cricketer to anyone who would listen.Amit, the bright spark who started the series of events, has yet to show up to a match. It's believed he is still sleeping. Club stalwart Peter Gunton said not to worry. He said he had a son who was a star in the making. Chris Gunton was signed on.
To the extreme optimist, it appeared we had a team. Highlights of all the last few matches were published on half a blank sheet of paper. Some of the low lights include the first few matches being played with no more than nine warm bodies. One match was played with seven very hot bodies – it was a sizzling day.
The Interpol search resulted in a couple of new recruits. Prasad Perera joined the team and showed some class with the bat. Duke Ramachandran, who is seen regularly at the SCG giving international players batting and bowling tips, agreed to win us a match or two. Fitting straight into the LOBATs team spirit and culture, he strolled out to the middle, hammered his first ball straight into the hands of the cover fielder and strolled back to the dressing room.
When we finally had eleven players one day, Ricky almost asked a couple of guys to go home because he didn't know where to put them on the field. He kept ordering the remaining fielders to take one step to the left and two steps to the right. Someone finally told him this was called the Cha Cha Cha. He called that someone a banchot and gave him the finger.
In one of the matches, Ricky tried to pull a Nirav and put himself at one-down, two-down, three-down and four-down. Peter asked Ricky what that meant. Ricky said he wanted to bat at least four times. He was given a quick lesson in the rules of the game – it involved taking a bat and hitting him over the head until he agreed to only bat at one-down. He was heard saying ‘How come Nirav got to bowl all day when he was captain?’… He then decided to ensure that we always followed on, so that way he at least got to bat twice in one day.
Ani who's confidence was up, for no good reason at all, started believing he was Keanu Reeves from the Matrix and was once seen doing some Matrix moves on the field when the ball was coming towards him. He quickly came to his senses after the ball hit him straight between the eyes.
Sam David took a classic catch in our last match when he ran away from the ball and the ball chased him and got lodged in his back side… Sam's victory dance was unprecedented and we understand he is still dancing… It was a superb catch, really, especially considering the catching prowess of the team in general. After the first couple of matches, Ricky quickly implemented a $2 rule for every dropped catch. This was one of Ricky’s get rich quick schemes. He had found a solution to his financial crisis. Charuka was seen getting some entrepreneurial tips from Ricky after the match in the parking lot.
Then in one recent match, the opposing team’s batsmen who had been dropped about seven times suggested we collect $2 for each dropped catch. When we told him we were well ahead of him and already had that in place, his exact words were ‘Sweet, where you guys going this year? Bali?’ We told him it was Phuket.
At this point you are probably guessing that the latent talent that was mentioned earlier was discovered in one of the opposing teams. Not really. There wasn't much talent in any of the opposing teams either. So you might be saying, WTF… That would be the only logical thing to say, really.
But, through all this, the Baulkham Hills LOBATs have produced a batsman that has the highest batting average in the entire competition across all the grades! Really. Yes, we are in possession of a batsman who is averaging 181 runs with the bat. Normally this would be the average of one of our bowlers. Hence the reason for this story… ok, so its not exactly a story – more like a book, but you get the point.
If you are asking the obvious question of who this is… the answer is that this individual can not be named for a number of reasons. The official reason given by the LOBATs management is that they are concerned that if they name this player, Cricket Australia would ban him from playing ever again, as they have Stanley and Nirav.
After all, it would not be appropriate for a grade cricketer to make the national selectors and the national players look bad. Even the great Don would no longer be a national treasure if this story were to come to light… If this player was named, he would probably be shipped to Pakistan and be at the centre of a betting scandal. There are a few other reasons for not naming him such as he doesn't quite like his name, etc… So he shall remain unnamed.
If you find this all a little hard to believe, proof has been provided off this official web site, attached below… Please note that the average shown in the leaderboard is 160 because our statistician has had a few days off and didn't file the latest batting scores - it should read 181.
So there you have it. The LOBATs are back, not really. They are currently at the bottom of the ladder, mainly because that's where they do their best work… And, they have discovered a hidden talent that they intend to keep hidden as long as possible. So please don't tell anyone….
More will be revealed in due course, but for now, Howzat!@#$ Really!
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