Nail biting match... new world record set...

Breaking news! We just completed a match that had everyone at the edge of their seats, and some falling out of their seats. It went down to the wire. It had all the drama you can ask for and then some.

Here's a quick synopsis for those that can't be bothered reading more than two paragraphs of this drivel. We needed 182 runs to win and for once had 11 players. We had about 45 minutes remaining in the day and managed to finish the day on 35/1. The following Sat, we made our way steadily to over a hundred with about 7 wickets in hand. But then with no more than 60 more needed, all hell broke loose... Wickets tumbled on one side while one of the openers who was still there dropped anchor and dragged us towards the total  ... It became a nail-biting finish.

Before you say 'What's this silly report about' and you start pointing out that you've already read enough about how Warner carried his bat while the rest of the team tumbled around him and lost to the Kiwis, let me clarify that I am actually reporting on the LOBATs.

It was such a good match, so here’s a bit more detail. The match started with the usual questions of whether we had only 7 players and which auntys we could call to get some last minute substitutes to fill the side. But then, everyone except for Rajitha showed up. Raja was busy preparing a defense for a court appearance – the cops pulled him over for a speeding violation and when they ran his license through the system, it spat out a 30 page report that said he was wanted by the CIA, MI5, SAS, Hamas and Abbas. If you are wondering who the hell the last two are, they are just Mohammed and Zaheer – good friends of Rajitha who had sent Christmas cards him.

Back to the cricket. So, to ensure we would not be short, Charuka recruited two machangs (Chaminda and Ramesh) from another Baulkham Hills club and they proved to be life savers. They were asked to open the bowling and sent to do all the batting. The bowling effort was a great one with Chaminda bowling a beautiful line and length pretty much all day from one side. In fact it was too good for even the batsmen who just kept missing everything.

We finally managed to roll them off the field and Charuka who had better things to do on the second weekend agreed to open the batting to contribute all he could. He started walking down the pitch from the very first ball and we were off to a flyer with something like 11 runs scored in the first over.

Charuka thought he was Gilchrist in the second over and was hammering everything to all parts. One ball he ran down the pitch before the bowler had reached his crease and by the time the bowler had reached his crease, Charuka had already scored a run. This fireworks display lasted the obligatory 2 overs before Sajit was sent to instill some sanity to the situation. That was the end of day 1.

Day 2 started without incident. Saj steadied the ship with a solid partnership with the other opener. If you are wondering who this other opener is, he's the one the team management refuses to name. We will refer to him as the Stig, not just because we don't know anything about him, but because we’ve never seen him take his helmut off. In fact, he is known to wear his helmut to dinner and in the shower...

Back to the cricket. Eventually, Saj got fed up of the Stig just batting for his average and not scoring any runs that he decided to get things moving … he moved himself back to the pavilion where the view was better. This resulted in Chaminda coming out. He had umpiring duties at some other match and was in a bit of a hurry. So he dispatched the bowling to all parts. Two sixes and a four later he was seen driving away to fulfill his umpiring commitment. This bought Simran (aka Imran to Rajitha) to the crease. Simran had earned himself a promotion for the same reason Ricky had earned a promotion – for no good reason at all. Mind you Simran has clocked one of the best bowlers in our comp for a six, which is more than anyone else can claim...

Simran hit a quickfire 2 in 2 balls before Sam David was sent to replace him. Cool as a cucumber, he set up shop with the Stig and a partnership ensued. As regular readers would know, this is not something the LOBATs are used to – a partnership. Things were looking good for a change, which is also something the LOBATs are not used to.
This resulted in the opponents (AKA Crusaders) launching plan B. Plan B was to unleash a couple of their guys from their straight jackets. These guys had just been let out of the loony bin for the day without their medication.

They started teaching the umpire and batsmen the rules of the game. The only problem was they were playing a different game. The Stig made the mistake of seeking a bit of clarification from one of these guys and pandemonium ensued. This resulted in a round table discussion and a healthy debate in the middle of the pitch before the cricket resumed. During a drinks break, Peter Gunton insisted that the two guys take their meds…

From that point on, the Stig dug in like never before and refused to get out. Ricky was getting a bit edgy wondering when he was going to bat, so Sam was ordered to edge one after hitting a beautiful 4 straight past the bowler. Ricky strolled in. Three balls later, Ricky strolled off.

At this point the opposition were convinced they had the match won. We were surprised it took them that long, because we had been convinced they had the match won even before we had even started our innings. But what everyone forgot was the Stig was pissed. That idiot on the other side had managed to set off the Stig's fuse and now he was on a mission. He had turned into the WALL. Dravid was made to look like Warner on steroids in comparison to the Stig. Nothing was getting passed him. Even the fielders had to run around in a wide a circle to get around him between overs.

Las, who had replaced Ricky, was stroking cover drives that had even the mental cases applauding. But then he tried to hook a ball and got hooked instead. This resulted in Fonzy making his way out to the middle. The opposition's strategy was to get Fonzy on strike, as they were under the impression that they were well into the tail and only needed three more balls to get the last three wickets. Of course, they didn't know Fonzy…

We only needed another 39 runs. And with Fonzy on the case, this meant no more than two overs for us to win the match. Fonzy is known for finishing games with a bang and making easy work of the bowlers. He did finish with a bang, except this time he was easy work for the bowlers. But not before he brought the total runs required down to less than twenty…

Now, 20  runs for us is probably like 150 for other teams, but we still had some fire power – Ramesh and Chris Gunton… Ramesh was sent out to finish the job… He told the Stig not to worry. He took charge and got the required runs down into the single digits. He then hit a ball up straight into the air and everyone had their heads in their hands, including the fielders, so he survived.

The Stig and Ramesh managed to get the scores tied somehow, no one is quite sure how. Then Ramesh slapped a 4 and the team celebrated an awesome win. So the Stig, who had carried his bat through the innings once again, now has a batting average of 244!

He was seen signing a couple of autographs to himself claiming he held a new world record. Apparently in his world, this is a (broken) record... He has never given an interview before in his life mainly because no one could care less and also because he is deaf, dumb and mute – mainly just dumb. But he has promised an exclusive interview to this publication. Stay tuned for that, it should be a riveting sentence or two… Till then, Howzat?