Feb 16
Fantastic. That’s the only way to describe our last match.
At Sydney 2000 during the 100M finals the public announcer said, “Ladies and gentlemen, what a night. It’s not often
that we get to see history in the making let alone be a part of it. Tonight you will be a part of history...” He was right.
What followed was beyond description – you had to be there.
Last Saturday’s game was similar. You had to be there. For those who were there, it will be a game they will not
forget easily. For the rest of you, well, this will have to do…
Let’s start at the beginning. On the first Saturday the main surprise was that we got a game – the rain stopped long
enough to get a game. The second big surprise was to see Charuka’s name on the team sheet as 12tth man. The
official story was that he was getting a well deserved rest from the rigours of grade cricket. In fact the press release
stated that current player commitments to cricket and the launch of the IPL tournament was leading to significant
player burn out, so a rotation policy had been adopted to give players the required time out from the hectic demands
of park cricket.
However, as we all know press releases are not worth the paper they are printed on. Reading between the lines, it
was clear that Charuka was asked by the chief selectors (C. Abhayawickrama) to clock up some runs in his back
yard before putting his hand up for selection. Hence he brought entourage (batting coach and psychologist) to the
ground to give him a work over in the nets. Batting coach Natasha and psychologist Charuni worked on him hard.
Meanwhile Atif was playing his farewell game in front of a packed house before heading out to Asia to join a rogue
league in Singapore. He admitted they were paying him an obscene amount of money. He was going to hang up
his cup after he had a bat and bowl on the first Sat, to be replaced the second Sat by superstar Sam David who has
created a new cult known as “THUC” (Trigger Happy Umpire’s Club). But as with all other team retirements Atif’s was
no different – he showed up on the second Sat in his whites for a game.
Before the game started Ricky had his hand up. When asked what he wanted, he said he put his hand up to be
named man of the match at the end of the game. All the journos in the press booth diligently noted this down. Baner
just sat quietly with a smile that said “we’ll see about that”.
The opponents who always choose to bat first in the hope that they will be able to recruit four passers-by to bat for
them during the course of their innings, won the toss and chose to do exactly that. They immediately sent in the night
watchman along side their only real batsman and bowler – the skipper. The night watchman’s duty was to simply stay
there as long as possible so that they could recruit as many pedestrians as possible.
This was great for us because finally our opening bowlers had found two batsmen that made them look good. They
pretty much left anything that was not heading straight for middle stump, which was pretty much everything. The
scorer’s had already filled in dots in advance in about 20 overs. Sam is considering a position with this team as their
official scorer next year.
When the night watchman stuck his bat out he managed to get a huge edge that saw the ball go straight to second
slip. Fortunately for him, our second slip, Atif, had no intention of catching it and promptly moved himself to the
vacant third slip position. The ball, however, followed him. He managed to protect himself by deflecting the ball the
ground in a move that any black belt karate expert would have been proud of. The rest of his team mates clapped as
he took a bow.
The very next over, the other opener also presented a dolly, again to Atif. This time he was not able to get out of
the way in time and was forced to take drastic defensive measures – he first used his right hand and then his left
to knock the ball away when it refused to go down the first time. Atif said he was intent on not even catching a cold
since he had to travel soon …
The dropped catches were not a problem because no runs were being scored anyway. In fact the fielders were
getting bored of watching the grass grow.
Atif was given the ball as the crowd had been chanting to see Atif bowl one last time. Interesting he cut his run up
and pace down by half. Polite inquiries into the reasoning behind this revealed that he had sold his car and was now
going through life at a much slower pace. Although the pace was so slow and he was in danger of being ticketed for
being well below the required minimum speed, the batsmen chose to leave everything alone.
With wickets being very scarce a couple of senior players had a quiet word in the skipper’s left ear and then the right
ear. The skipper shook his head in disagreement. The senior players swapped sides and repeated their suggestions,
this time starting with the right ear and then the left ear. This time the skipper nodded in agreement that we needed to
chase some runs to get some practice for the next match. We decided to unleash our secret weapon.
Against his better judgement he threw the ball to Ricky. All the fielders scattered. The skipper who was bored of
bowling dot balls decided to dawn the wicket keeping gloves. Ricky had the batsman in stitches after he finally found
page 2 of his bad joke book and cracked a couple of new jokes. He then tossed the ball up and let another joke rip
while the ball was mid-flight. The batsman only managed to hit the ball straight up in the air and Ricky bagged the
prize wicket with a caught and bowled.
Ricky quickly pointed at the press box and put his hand up. He felt he had done enough to be named man of the
match.
But Dilshan felt he deserved the man of the match check instead after pulling off a couple of blinding catches. When
he was unable to get out of the way of the ball that was travelling at pace, he stuck his hands out to protect his
crown jewels and found the ball firmly lodged between his fingers. However, third time round he was not so lucky.
The ball was hit for a six and the only thing standing in the way of the ball and the boundary was Dilshan’s future
generation. He was standing less than 10 feet away from the batsman. Suffice it to say that Dilshan’s future son has
already dropped his first catch. Dilshan was disappointed with his future son’s performance, so much so that he
decided to lie down on the ground and hold the match up for a good 10 minutes before storming off the field, uttering
incohesively and refusing to play for another 20 minutes.
The skipper had seen enough and decided it was time to put the gloves aside and bowl again. He took the ball and
immediately found himself on a hat trick. Although he failed to get the hat trick he did manage to wrap up the tail very
quickly, leaving us a target of 78 runs to get with about 25 overs of the day to go…
As we all know, 78 runs is about 50 runs more than what we are normally comfortable chasing. Sam who was also
on the team rotation schedule had shown up at the grounds to provide some support. When we were struggling to
find a volunteer for umpiring duties, the skipper asked Sam if he would like to do the honours. Surprisingly he turned
down the opportunity but offered to teach a couple of the young guns (Aiyesh and Ricky) the art of raising the finger.
The batting got underway and we managed to slowly edge our way towards about 30 runs before the inevitable
happened. The bowler, who normally plays for his school’s under-12 year managed to get the ball to swing to the
right and then to the left before going straight pass the batsman down the leg. The ball clipped the batsman’s rear
end on the way to the keeper. The batsman admits to having had a healthy dose of masala dosai the previous day,
but vehemently rejects accusations that he made an undue sound as the ball passed him. However, there was a
sound and the opponents all cleared their throats in unison. The umpire failed to realise these boys were simply
practicing for the school choir and immediately raised his finger in Sam-like fashion.
Sam was seen on the side lines sporting a very proud look … The batsman was completely baffled and stood his
ground, not sure if the umpire was asking the bowler to leave the field for excessive appealing. When the batsman
was told to get on his bike, he walked off in a daze and was so confused that he walked straight past the pavilion and
ended up in the kids play ground. He was unable to speak for a while.
Atif was given a promotion, after he announced his retirement. He got off to a good start before walking down the
pitch and having a ball that would have been a wide down leg hitting him on the pad when he was half-way down the
pitch. The bowling side decided to clear their throats again, following the success of the first appeal and sure enough,
the umpire’s finger went up in Sam-like fashion.
The umpiring standard has prompted complaints to the cricket board, with the BCCI (Baulkhamhills Cricket Control
Inthepark) threatening to force the ICC to send these two umpires into exile to join Bucknor. The ICC has slapped
the two umpires with a fine for a Level 1.6 offence under the ICC Code of Conduct regulation. That section relates
to "pointing or gesturing towards the pavilion in an aggressive manner … upon the dismissal of a batsman."
Prasad and Lasith then came together to move the team towards the required total until Lasith managed to get
himself out in a very uncontroversial manner. This gave Dilshan an opportunity to come out and get us over the line
before the end of the day. At this stage we had to get about 25 runs in half an hour. As soon as Prasad got wind of
this he went nuts and started knocking everything. In two overs we were home.
Dilshan was then asked by Prasad to block out the remaining over so that he could open the batting the following
week and have a go. He nodded firmly. He got out the next ball looking to block the ball over the cow-corner
boundary. This resulted in a small dilemma as all the batsmen who had been padded up had already changed their
gear and were ready to go home.
Baner got an immediate promotion and five of the guys helped him pad up, similar to an F1 car doing a pit stop.
Baner was sent out to the middle without a guard and asked to see the last two balls of the day out. All the fielders
were placed around the bat. The first ball was a ripper and Baner played a beautiful forward defense that even
Tendukar would be proud of. The second ball was a full toss that got the treatment.
The day ended well and Baner was pumped to open the batting the following week.
Part II
The following week came and Baner faced up. It only took the bowler a few balls before Baner managed to get one
to swing to the left, then to the right and then instead of swinging back to the left it just disappeared between bat and
pad. This foxed the old master and he was on his bike.
Chani then made the walk out and realised it was far too hot to bat, so he walked back. Prasad agreed with Chani
and also made his way back. This left Rav, Aiyesh, Ricky and Sacha with the usual job of finding a way to give the
bowlers something to bowl at. Nirav, however, cool and calm as usual was confident we had enough runs, so he left
it to Aiyesh and Ricky.
Ricky asked the umpire for the off stump guard so he could claim everything that was plumb was going down leg.
Aiyesh was going well, hammering everything for quick singles. Aiyesh had his sleaves rolled up as usual all the way
to his shoulders to intimidate the bowlers. He kept telling Ricky to use his brain, rather than his bat. This confused
Ricky.
Then Aiyesh got one of those balls that pretty much went straight but will go down in the books as swinging right, left
and cutting off the pitch at a 90-degree angle to take off middle stump. This put all the responsibility of batting on the
shoulders of Ricky. Sacha came out and eyed the boundary. Ricky also decided it was time to find the boundary and
swung wildly at the next delivery. The ball literally broke the middle stump in half and Ricky and Sacha did find the
boundary on their way back to the pavilion as they carefully crossed over it without tripping.
With a 70 run lead, the opponents took the field and provided some good resistance. When the opening bowlers
failed to make a dent, Aiyesh started his chant “at his toes and up his nose”. No bowler has yet figured out how
to do this and it was suggested that Aiyesh find another page from that book he has been quoting all season.
Atif who had come out of retirement for one last hurrah was given the ball. Then Ricky was thrown the ball as well to
buy some wickets. In a completely unusual turn of events, the team started catching everything that came their way
and we finally started making some inroads.
When the last pair was at the crease, they still needed six more runs to make us bat again. This last pair proved to
be their best batsman as they kept going and going and going… Everyone was given a bowl and no one looked like
getting them out. That’s when skipper Nirav decided it was once again time for him to show how it was done…
He finally removed the last pair with another peach of a delivery. Only problem was that this partnership had put them
22 runs ahead of us and there was only enough time for 2 overs in the match. This meant we needed 22 runs in 12
balls on a ground that only permitted sixes and singles because the grass was so thick. The equation was simple
– two runs a ball. The opponents had an equally simple equation and were odds on favourite to win as they only
needed 10 wickets and had 12 balls to get them in.
The regular openers were asked to pad up and be ready at # 10 and 11 so they could draw the match in a last wicket
stand. Meanwhile, skipper Nirav took Prasad out to the middle with him with one simple order – swing like mad and
run like mad.
Rav took leg stump guard and then stood two feet outside leg. He tonked the first ball to the boundary, but it only got
as far as mid-off. We managed to get 2 runs out of it. We were on target. The second ball also got tonked and Nirav
then managed to hit one for 4. Prasad hit a skier which was dropped close to the boundary, resulting in two more
being added to the score and at the end of the first over we had 11 runs on the board. On target.
The second over started with Nirav hitting a solid drive in the air for 4. He then clocked the next one for 6 and
the scores were level. The third ball then got hit out of the park in Jayasuriya like fashion. We still had three balls
to spare! Ricky who was umpiring at the time had his finger raised but fortunately no one was paying attention.
All in all, it was definitely a captain’s knock with the bat and a captain’s performance with the ball. Ricky still had his
hand up to be named man of the match. And although the committee struggled between the seven potential man of
the match performers (R Kapoor, N Goradia, D Fonseka, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias), the award was given to
Nirav for that incredible performance. Prasad did point out that without his running between the wickets we would
have been about 3 runs short. Ricky also rightly pointed out that without his umpiring effort at the end we would have
been one umpire short. Dilshan who had already left did not have a chance point anything out.
All this controversy aside, it was a match that will not be forgotten easily… it’s the kind of match you would pay good
money to see… Well done, boyz…
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
16 Feb 2008
Feb 16
Fantastic. That’s the only way to describe our last match.
At Sydney 2000 during the 100M finals the public announcer said, “Ladies and gentlemen, what a night. It’s not often
that we get to see history in the making let alone be a part of it. Tonight you will be a part of history...” He was right.
What followed was beyond description – you had to be there.
Last Saturday’s game was similar. You had to be there. For those who were there, it will be a game they will not
forget easily. For the rest of you, well, this will have to do…
Let’s start at the beginning. On the first Saturday the main surprise was that we got a game – the rain stopped long
enough to get a game. The second big surprise was to see Charuka’s name on the team sheet as 12tth man. The
official story was that he was getting a well deserved rest from the rigours of grade cricket. In fact the press release
stated that current player commitments to cricket and the launch of the IPL tournament was leading to significant
player burn out, so a rotation policy had been adopted to give players the required time out from the hectic demands
of park cricket.
However, as we all know press releases are not worth the paper they are printed on. Reading between the lines, it
was clear that Charuka was asked by the chief selectors (C. Abhayawickrama) to clock up some runs in his back
yard before putting his hand up for selection. Hence he brought entourage (batting coach and psychologist) to the
ground to give him a work over in the nets. Batting coach Natasha and psychologist Charuni worked on him hard.
Meanwhile Atif was playing his farewell game in front of a packed house before heading out to Asia to join a rogue
league in Singapore. He admitted they were paying him an obscene amount of money. He was going to hang up
his cup after he had a bat and bowl on the first Sat, to be replaced the second Sat by superstar Sam David who has
created a new cult known as “THUC” (Trigger Happy Umpire’s Club). But as with all other team retirements Atif’s was
no different – he showed up on the second Sat in his whites for a game.
Before the game started Ricky had his hand up. When asked what he wanted, he said he put his hand up to be
named man of the match at the end of the game. All the journos in the press booth diligently noted this down. Baner
just sat quietly with a smile that said “we’ll see about that”.
The opponents who always choose to bat first in the hope that they will be able to recruit four passers-by to bat for
them during the course of their innings, won the toss and chose to do exactly that. They immediately sent in the night
watchman along side their only real batsman and bowler – the skipper. The night watchman’s duty was to simply stay
there as long as possible so that they could recruit as many pedestrians as possible.
This was great for us because finally our opening bowlers had found two batsmen that made them look good. They
pretty much left anything that was not heading straight for middle stump, which was pretty much everything. The
scorer’s had already filled in dots in advance in about 20 overs. Sam is considering a position with this team as their
official scorer next year.
When the night watchman stuck his bat out he managed to get a huge edge that saw the ball go straight to second
slip. Fortunately for him, our second slip, Atif, had no intention of catching it and promptly moved himself to the
vacant third slip position. The ball, however, followed him. He managed to protect himself by deflecting the ball the
ground in a move that any black belt karate expert would have been proud of. The rest of his team mates clapped as
he took a bow.
The very next over, the other opener also presented a dolly, again to Atif. This time he was not able to get out of
the way in time and was forced to take drastic defensive measures – he first used his right hand and then his left
to knock the ball away when it refused to go down the first time. Atif said he was intent on not even catching a cold
since he had to travel soon …
The dropped catches were not a problem because no runs were being scored anyway. In fact the fielders were
getting bored of watching the grass grow.
Atif was given the ball as the crowd had been chanting to see Atif bowl one last time. Interesting he cut his run up
and pace down by half. Polite inquiries into the reasoning behind this revealed that he had sold his car and was now
going through life at a much slower pace. Although the pace was so slow and he was in danger of being ticketed for
being well below the required minimum speed, the batsmen chose to leave everything alone.
With wickets being very scarce a couple of senior players had a quiet word in the skipper’s left ear and then the right
ear. The skipper shook his head in disagreement. The senior players swapped sides and repeated their suggestions,
this time starting with the right ear and then the left ear. This time the skipper nodded in agreement that we needed to
chase some runs to get some practice for the next match. We decided to unleash our secret weapon.
Against his better judgement he threw the ball to Ricky. All the fielders scattered. The skipper who was bored of
bowling dot balls decided to dawn the wicket keeping gloves. Ricky had the batsman in stitches after he finally found
page 2 of his bad joke book and cracked a couple of new jokes. He then tossed the ball up and let another joke rip
while the ball was mid-flight. The batsman only managed to hit the ball straight up in the air and Ricky bagged the
prize wicket with a caught and bowled.
Ricky quickly pointed at the press box and put his hand up. He felt he had done enough to be named man of the
match.
But Dilshan felt he deserved the man of the match check instead after pulling off a couple of blinding catches. When
he was unable to get out of the way of the ball that was travelling at pace, he stuck his hands out to protect his
crown jewels and found the ball firmly lodged between his fingers. However, third time round he was not so lucky.
The ball was hit for a six and the only thing standing in the way of the ball and the boundary was Dilshan’s future
generation. He was standing less than 10 feet away from the batsman. Suffice it to say that Dilshan’s future son has
already dropped his first catch. Dilshan was disappointed with his future son’s performance, so much so that he
decided to lie down on the ground and hold the match up for a good 10 minutes before storming off the field, uttering
incohesively and refusing to play for another 20 minutes.
The skipper had seen enough and decided it was time to put the gloves aside and bowl again. He took the ball and
immediately found himself on a hat trick. Although he failed to get the hat trick he did manage to wrap up the tail very
quickly, leaving us a target of 78 runs to get with about 25 overs of the day to go…
As we all know, 78 runs is about 50 runs more than what we are normally comfortable chasing. Sam who was also
on the team rotation schedule had shown up at the grounds to provide some support. When we were struggling to
find a volunteer for umpiring duties, the skipper asked Sam if he would like to do the honours. Surprisingly he turned
down the opportunity but offered to teach a couple of the young guns (Aiyesh and Ricky) the art of raising the finger.
The batting got underway and we managed to slowly edge our way towards about 30 runs before the inevitable
happened. The bowler, who normally plays for his school’s under-12 year managed to get the ball to swing to the
right and then to the left before going straight pass the batsman down the leg. The ball clipped the batsman’s rear
end on the way to the keeper. The batsman admits to having had a healthy dose of masala dosai the previous day,
but vehemently rejects accusations that he made an undue sound as the ball passed him. However, there was a
sound and the opponents all cleared their throats in unison. The umpire failed to realise these boys were simply
practicing for the school choir and immediately raised his finger in Sam-like fashion.
Sam was seen on the side lines sporting a very proud look … The batsman was completely baffled and stood his
ground, not sure if the umpire was asking the bowler to leave the field for excessive appealing. When the batsman
was told to get on his bike, he walked off in a daze and was so confused that he walked straight past the pavilion and
ended up in the kids play ground. He was unable to speak for a while.
Atif was given a promotion, after he announced his retirement. He got off to a good start before walking down the
pitch and having a ball that would have been a wide down leg hitting him on the pad when he was half-way down the
pitch. The bowling side decided to clear their throats again, following the success of the first appeal and sure enough,
the umpire’s finger went up in Sam-like fashion.
The umpiring standard has prompted complaints to the cricket board, with the BCCI (Baulkhamhills Cricket Control
Inthepark) threatening to force the ICC to send these two umpires into exile to join Bucknor. The ICC has slapped
the two umpires with a fine for a Level 1.6 offence under the ICC Code of Conduct regulation. That section relates
to "pointing or gesturing towards the pavilion in an aggressive manner … upon the dismissal of a batsman."
Prasad and Lasith then came together to move the team towards the required total until Lasith managed to get
himself out in a very uncontroversial manner. This gave Dilshan an opportunity to come out and get us over the line
before the end of the day. At this stage we had to get about 25 runs in half an hour. As soon as Prasad got wind of
this he went nuts and started knocking everything. In two overs we were home.
Dilshan was then asked by Prasad to block out the remaining over so that he could open the batting the following
week and have a go. He nodded firmly. He got out the next ball looking to block the ball over the cow-corner
boundary. This resulted in a small dilemma as all the batsmen who had been padded up had already changed their
gear and were ready to go home.
Baner got an immediate promotion and five of the guys helped him pad up, similar to an F1 car doing a pit stop.
Baner was sent out to the middle without a guard and asked to see the last two balls of the day out. All the fielders
were placed around the bat. The first ball was a ripper and Baner played a beautiful forward defense that even
Tendukar would be proud of. The second ball was a full toss that got the treatment.
The day ended well and Baner was pumped to open the batting the following week.
Part II
The following week came and Baner faced up. It only took the bowler a few balls before Baner managed to get one
to swing to the left, then to the right and then instead of swinging back to the left it just disappeared between bat and
pad. This foxed the old master and he was on his bike.
Chani then made the walk out and realised it was far too hot to bat, so he walked back. Prasad agreed with Chani
and also made his way back. This left Rav, Aiyesh, Ricky and Sacha with the usual job of finding a way to give the
bowlers something to bowl at. Nirav, however, cool and calm as usual was confident we had enough runs, so he left
it to Aiyesh and Ricky.
Ricky asked the umpire for the off stump guard so he could claim everything that was plumb was going down leg.
Aiyesh was going well, hammering everything for quick singles. Aiyesh had his sleaves rolled up as usual all the way
to his shoulders to intimidate the bowlers. He kept telling Ricky to use his brain, rather than his bat. This confused
Ricky.
Then Aiyesh got one of those balls that pretty much went straight but will go down in the books as swinging right, left
and cutting off the pitch at a 90-degree angle to take off middle stump. This put all the responsibility of batting on the
shoulders of Ricky. Sacha came out and eyed the boundary. Ricky also decided it was time to find the boundary and
swung wildly at the next delivery. The ball literally broke the middle stump in half and Ricky and Sacha did find the
boundary on their way back to the pavilion as they carefully crossed over it without tripping.
With a 70 run lead, the opponents took the field and provided some good resistance. When the opening bowlers
failed to make a dent, Aiyesh started his chant “at his toes and up his nose”. No bowler has yet figured out how
to do this and it was suggested that Aiyesh find another page from that book he has been quoting all season.
Atif who had come out of retirement for one last hurrah was given the ball. Then Ricky was thrown the ball as well to
buy some wickets. In a completely unusual turn of events, the team started catching everything that came their way
and we finally started making some inroads.
When the last pair was at the crease, they still needed six more runs to make us bat again. This last pair proved to
be their best batsman as they kept going and going and going… Everyone was given a bowl and no one looked like
getting them out. That’s when skipper Nirav decided it was once again time for him to show how it was done…
He finally removed the last pair with another peach of a delivery. Only problem was that this partnership had put them
22 runs ahead of us and there was only enough time for 2 overs in the match. This meant we needed 22 runs in 12
balls on a ground that only permitted sixes and singles because the grass was so thick. The equation was simple
– two runs a ball. The opponents had an equally simple equation and were odds on favourite to win as they only
needed 10 wickets and had 12 balls to get them in.
The regular openers were asked to pad up and be ready at # 10 and 11 so they could draw the match in a last wicket
stand. Meanwhile, skipper Nirav took Prasad out to the middle with him with one simple order – swing like mad and
run like mad.
Rav took leg stump guard and then stood two feet outside leg. He tonked the first ball to the boundary, but it only got
as far as mid-off. We managed to get 2 runs out of it. We were on target. The second ball also got tonked and Nirav
then managed to hit one for 4. Prasad hit a skier which was dropped close to the boundary, resulting in two more
being added to the score and at the end of the first over we had 11 runs on the board. On target.
The second over started with Nirav hitting a solid drive in the air for 4. He then clocked the next one for 6 and
the scores were level. The third ball then got hit out of the park in Jayasuriya like fashion. We still had three balls
to spare! Ricky who was umpiring at the time had his finger raised but fortunately no one was paying attention.
All in all, it was definitely a captain’s knock with the bat and a captain’s performance with the ball. Ricky still had his
hand up to be named man of the match. And although the committee struggled between the seven potential man of
the match performers (R Kapoor, N Goradia, D Fonseka, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias), the award was given to
Nirav for that incredible performance. Prasad did point out that without his running between the wickets we would
have been about 3 runs short. Ricky also rightly pointed out that without his umpiring effort at the end we would have
been one umpire short. Dilshan who had already left did not have a chance point anything out.
All this controversy aside, it was a match that will not be forgotten easily… it’s the kind of match you would pay good
money to see… Well done, boyz…
Fantastic. That’s the only way to describe our last match.
At Sydney 2000 during the 100M finals the public announcer said, “Ladies and gentlemen, what a night. It’s not often
that we get to see history in the making let alone be a part of it. Tonight you will be a part of history...” He was right.
What followed was beyond description – you had to be there.
Last Saturday’s game was similar. You had to be there. For those who were there, it will be a game they will not
forget easily. For the rest of you, well, this will have to do…
Let’s start at the beginning. On the first Saturday the main surprise was that we got a game – the rain stopped long
enough to get a game. The second big surprise was to see Charuka’s name on the team sheet as 12tth man. The
official story was that he was getting a well deserved rest from the rigours of grade cricket. In fact the press release
stated that current player commitments to cricket and the launch of the IPL tournament was leading to significant
player burn out, so a rotation policy had been adopted to give players the required time out from the hectic demands
of park cricket.
However, as we all know press releases are not worth the paper they are printed on. Reading between the lines, it
was clear that Charuka was asked by the chief selectors (C. Abhayawickrama) to clock up some runs in his back
yard before putting his hand up for selection. Hence he brought entourage (batting coach and psychologist) to the
ground to give him a work over in the nets. Batting coach Natasha and psychologist Charuni worked on him hard.
Meanwhile Atif was playing his farewell game in front of a packed house before heading out to Asia to join a rogue
league in Singapore. He admitted they were paying him an obscene amount of money. He was going to hang up
his cup after he had a bat and bowl on the first Sat, to be replaced the second Sat by superstar Sam David who has
created a new cult known as “THUC” (Trigger Happy Umpire’s Club). But as with all other team retirements Atif’s was
no different – he showed up on the second Sat in his whites for a game.
Before the game started Ricky had his hand up. When asked what he wanted, he said he put his hand up to be
named man of the match at the end of the game. All the journos in the press booth diligently noted this down. Baner
just sat quietly with a smile that said “we’ll see about that”.
The opponents who always choose to bat first in the hope that they will be able to recruit four passers-by to bat for
them during the course of their innings, won the toss and chose to do exactly that. They immediately sent in the night
watchman along side their only real batsman and bowler – the skipper. The night watchman’s duty was to simply stay
there as long as possible so that they could recruit as many pedestrians as possible.
This was great for us because finally our opening bowlers had found two batsmen that made them look good. They
pretty much left anything that was not heading straight for middle stump, which was pretty much everything. The
scorer’s had already filled in dots in advance in about 20 overs. Sam is considering a position with this team as their
official scorer next year.
When the night watchman stuck his bat out he managed to get a huge edge that saw the ball go straight to second
slip. Fortunately for him, our second slip, Atif, had no intention of catching it and promptly moved himself to the
vacant third slip position. The ball, however, followed him. He managed to protect himself by deflecting the ball the
ground in a move that any black belt karate expert would have been proud of. The rest of his team mates clapped as
he took a bow.
The very next over, the other opener also presented a dolly, again to Atif. This time he was not able to get out of
the way in time and was forced to take drastic defensive measures – he first used his right hand and then his left
to knock the ball away when it refused to go down the first time. Atif said he was intent on not even catching a cold
since he had to travel soon …
The dropped catches were not a problem because no runs were being scored anyway. In fact the fielders were
getting bored of watching the grass grow.
Atif was given the ball as the crowd had been chanting to see Atif bowl one last time. Interesting he cut his run up
and pace down by half. Polite inquiries into the reasoning behind this revealed that he had sold his car and was now
going through life at a much slower pace. Although the pace was so slow and he was in danger of being ticketed for
being well below the required minimum speed, the batsmen chose to leave everything alone.
With wickets being very scarce a couple of senior players had a quiet word in the skipper’s left ear and then the right
ear. The skipper shook his head in disagreement. The senior players swapped sides and repeated their suggestions,
this time starting with the right ear and then the left ear. This time the skipper nodded in agreement that we needed to
chase some runs to get some practice for the next match. We decided to unleash our secret weapon.
Against his better judgement he threw the ball to Ricky. All the fielders scattered. The skipper who was bored of
bowling dot balls decided to dawn the wicket keeping gloves. Ricky had the batsman in stitches after he finally found
page 2 of his bad joke book and cracked a couple of new jokes. He then tossed the ball up and let another joke rip
while the ball was mid-flight. The batsman only managed to hit the ball straight up in the air and Ricky bagged the
prize wicket with a caught and bowled.
Ricky quickly pointed at the press box and put his hand up. He felt he had done enough to be named man of the
match.
But Dilshan felt he deserved the man of the match check instead after pulling off a couple of blinding catches. When
he was unable to get out of the way of the ball that was travelling at pace, he stuck his hands out to protect his
crown jewels and found the ball firmly lodged between his fingers. However, third time round he was not so lucky.
The ball was hit for a six and the only thing standing in the way of the ball and the boundary was Dilshan’s future
generation. He was standing less than 10 feet away from the batsman. Suffice it to say that Dilshan’s future son has
already dropped his first catch. Dilshan was disappointed with his future son’s performance, so much so that he
decided to lie down on the ground and hold the match up for a good 10 minutes before storming off the field, uttering
incohesively and refusing to play for another 20 minutes.
The skipper had seen enough and decided it was time to put the gloves aside and bowl again. He took the ball and
immediately found himself on a hat trick. Although he failed to get the hat trick he did manage to wrap up the tail very
quickly, leaving us a target of 78 runs to get with about 25 overs of the day to go…
As we all know, 78 runs is about 50 runs more than what we are normally comfortable chasing. Sam who was also
on the team rotation schedule had shown up at the grounds to provide some support. When we were struggling to
find a volunteer for umpiring duties, the skipper asked Sam if he would like to do the honours. Surprisingly he turned
down the opportunity but offered to teach a couple of the young guns (Aiyesh and Ricky) the art of raising the finger.
The batting got underway and we managed to slowly edge our way towards about 30 runs before the inevitable
happened. The bowler, who normally plays for his school’s under-12 year managed to get the ball to swing to the
right and then to the left before going straight pass the batsman down the leg. The ball clipped the batsman’s rear
end on the way to the keeper. The batsman admits to having had a healthy dose of masala dosai the previous day,
but vehemently rejects accusations that he made an undue sound as the ball passed him. However, there was a
sound and the opponents all cleared their throats in unison. The umpire failed to realise these boys were simply
practicing for the school choir and immediately raised his finger in Sam-like fashion.
Sam was seen on the side lines sporting a very proud look … The batsman was completely baffled and stood his
ground, not sure if the umpire was asking the bowler to leave the field for excessive appealing. When the batsman
was told to get on his bike, he walked off in a daze and was so confused that he walked straight past the pavilion and
ended up in the kids play ground. He was unable to speak for a while.
Atif was given a promotion, after he announced his retirement. He got off to a good start before walking down the
pitch and having a ball that would have been a wide down leg hitting him on the pad when he was half-way down the
pitch. The bowling side decided to clear their throats again, following the success of the first appeal and sure enough,
the umpire’s finger went up in Sam-like fashion.
The umpiring standard has prompted complaints to the cricket board, with the BCCI (Baulkhamhills Cricket Control
Inthepark) threatening to force the ICC to send these two umpires into exile to join Bucknor. The ICC has slapped
the two umpires with a fine for a Level 1.6 offence under the ICC Code of Conduct regulation. That section relates
to "pointing or gesturing towards the pavilion in an aggressive manner … upon the dismissal of a batsman."
Prasad and Lasith then came together to move the team towards the required total until Lasith managed to get
himself out in a very uncontroversial manner. This gave Dilshan an opportunity to come out and get us over the line
before the end of the day. At this stage we had to get about 25 runs in half an hour. As soon as Prasad got wind of
this he went nuts and started knocking everything. In two overs we were home.
Dilshan was then asked by Prasad to block out the remaining over so that he could open the batting the following
week and have a go. He nodded firmly. He got out the next ball looking to block the ball over the cow-corner
boundary. This resulted in a small dilemma as all the batsmen who had been padded up had already changed their
gear and were ready to go home.
Baner got an immediate promotion and five of the guys helped him pad up, similar to an F1 car doing a pit stop.
Baner was sent out to the middle without a guard and asked to see the last two balls of the day out. All the fielders
were placed around the bat. The first ball was a ripper and Baner played a beautiful forward defense that even
Tendukar would be proud of. The second ball was a full toss that got the treatment.
The day ended well and Baner was pumped to open the batting the following week.
Part II
The following week came and Baner faced up. It only took the bowler a few balls before Baner managed to get one
to swing to the left, then to the right and then instead of swinging back to the left it just disappeared between bat and
pad. This foxed the old master and he was on his bike.
Chani then made the walk out and realised it was far too hot to bat, so he walked back. Prasad agreed with Chani
and also made his way back. This left Rav, Aiyesh, Ricky and Sacha with the usual job of finding a way to give the
bowlers something to bowl at. Nirav, however, cool and calm as usual was confident we had enough runs, so he left
it to Aiyesh and Ricky.
Ricky asked the umpire for the off stump guard so he could claim everything that was plumb was going down leg.
Aiyesh was going well, hammering everything for quick singles. Aiyesh had his sleaves rolled up as usual all the way
to his shoulders to intimidate the bowlers. He kept telling Ricky to use his brain, rather than his bat. This confused
Ricky.
Then Aiyesh got one of those balls that pretty much went straight but will go down in the books as swinging right, left
and cutting off the pitch at a 90-degree angle to take off middle stump. This put all the responsibility of batting on the
shoulders of Ricky. Sacha came out and eyed the boundary. Ricky also decided it was time to find the boundary and
swung wildly at the next delivery. The ball literally broke the middle stump in half and Ricky and Sacha did find the
boundary on their way back to the pavilion as they carefully crossed over it without tripping.
With a 70 run lead, the opponents took the field and provided some good resistance. When the opening bowlers
failed to make a dent, Aiyesh started his chant “at his toes and up his nose”. No bowler has yet figured out how
to do this and it was suggested that Aiyesh find another page from that book he has been quoting all season.
Atif who had come out of retirement for one last hurrah was given the ball. Then Ricky was thrown the ball as well to
buy some wickets. In a completely unusual turn of events, the team started catching everything that came their way
and we finally started making some inroads.
When the last pair was at the crease, they still needed six more runs to make us bat again. This last pair proved to
be their best batsman as they kept going and going and going… Everyone was given a bowl and no one looked like
getting them out. That’s when skipper Nirav decided it was once again time for him to show how it was done…
He finally removed the last pair with another peach of a delivery. Only problem was that this partnership had put them
22 runs ahead of us and there was only enough time for 2 overs in the match. This meant we needed 22 runs in 12
balls on a ground that only permitted sixes and singles because the grass was so thick. The equation was simple
– two runs a ball. The opponents had an equally simple equation and were odds on favourite to win as they only
needed 10 wickets and had 12 balls to get them in.
The regular openers were asked to pad up and be ready at # 10 and 11 so they could draw the match in a last wicket
stand. Meanwhile, skipper Nirav took Prasad out to the middle with him with one simple order – swing like mad and
run like mad.
Rav took leg stump guard and then stood two feet outside leg. He tonked the first ball to the boundary, but it only got
as far as mid-off. We managed to get 2 runs out of it. We were on target. The second ball also got tonked and Nirav
then managed to hit one for 4. Prasad hit a skier which was dropped close to the boundary, resulting in two more
being added to the score and at the end of the first over we had 11 runs on the board. On target.
The second over started with Nirav hitting a solid drive in the air for 4. He then clocked the next one for 6 and
the scores were level. The third ball then got hit out of the park in Jayasuriya like fashion. We still had three balls
to spare! Ricky who was umpiring at the time had his finger raised but fortunately no one was paying attention.
All in all, it was definitely a captain’s knock with the bat and a captain’s performance with the ball. Ricky still had his
hand up to be named man of the match. And although the committee struggled between the seven potential man of
the match performers (R Kapoor, N Goradia, D Fonseka, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias), the award was given to
Nirav for that incredible performance. Prasad did point out that without his running between the wickets we would
have been about 3 runs short. Ricky also rightly pointed out that without his umpiring effort at the end we would have
been one umpire short. Dilshan who had already left did not have a chance point anything out.
All this controversy aside, it was a match that will not be forgotten easily… it’s the kind of match you would pay good
money to see… Well done, boyz…
15 Jan 2008
First things first - a correction from the last match summary. It was reported that Sam was
seen smoking on the boundary in our last report. This incorrect report almost resulted in him
receiving a life time ban from the sport when his wife read the article and threatened to revoke
his temporary visa. So let's set the record straight - it was in fact Ricky Kapoor Punter who was
guilty of smoking on the job – let’s hope Ricky’s Mum doesn’t read this. How’z That would like to
apologise to all parties concerned and takes no responsibility for all inaccuracies.
Now back to the cricket.
Last Sat started in the usual fashion. Stand in skipper Charuka was frantically working the
phones 10 minutes before start of play when the usual suspects were no where to be found.
Rajitha's presence was ensured this time by Charuka who drove to his house and escorted him to
the grounds. But Eddie had once again disappeared in the middle of the night, last seen heading
no where special.
Dilshan saved the day and showed up – sneaking out the back door when his baby boy
was screaming at the top of his voice. He was advised to wear his cup on the way home.
Ricky made an announcement to anyone who’d listen that he had given up on the opposite sex.
This prompted everyone to not turn their back on Ricky.
The day got started with the skipper throwing the new ball to veteran space bowler Imran Atif
Khan. Young and agile Prasad was thrown the wicket keeping gloves. He threw them back.
Atif put the pressure on Prasad from the first ball. Some went to the left and others to the right
and most went off the middle of the bat to the boundary. Even the batsmen struggled to figure
out Atif’s strategy. Only Ricky seemed to know the plan and was heard shouting “I know what
you are doing, Stif.”
Before long, however, Atif got his first wicket when the batsman struggled with the pace. The
ball came so slowly that the bails almost refused to budge. Even Prasad got carried away with
the slow pace. You might recall the match where Prasad attempted a catch with his elbow. This
time he tried to stop one of Atif's space balls using his mouth. This required immediate medical
attention of the mental kind, administered by Rajitha.
Atif did finally get one of his balls to go through at pace – in fact it was clocked doing 160 km/hr.
This was on the way home when he was clocked speeding on the M2 in his little blue sports car.
The speed camera photo shows his other ball firmly lodged in his throat.
The other bowler who did a bit of damage was Rajitha. Although he started the day by
complaining he had a back ache after attempting to sit down too quickly, he managed to
mysteriously cure this problem when the skipper threw him the ball.
Debutant Aneesh also contributed a second ball wicket before ensuring the fielders got into
shape chasing balls to the boundary.
Thanks to some classic catches, we had them at about 60/6 from 16 overs. Young Prasad won
the KFC catch of the match when the ball was lobbed softly up in the air above the batsman’s
head. Prasad dived to the left, got up, then dived to the right, got up, moved back to his original
spot and caught it to a thundering applause. He was almost carried off the field by Rajitha who
fortunately remembered he had a back ache. Besides we still had a few more wickets to get.
We were doing so well that Prasad immediately ordered everyone to stop taking wickets so that
we would have enough runs to chase. He led by example by promptly dropping the next catch.
Not wanting to disobey Prasad, one of the monkeys placed at deep mid-wicket immediately tried
to run into the trees when a catch was sent his way. Even with his best attempt to run away
from the ball, it landed in his palms. He did, however, succeed in dropping it in style and quickly
signalled a four to the cheers of both sides.
Rajitha also contributed to the team strategy. In fact, he even managed to kick the ball from slips
all the way to the boundary after dropping the catch. Charuka and Ricky also chipped in with
some high quality drops. Rajitha did get the award for best drop though.
The only person who refused to follow the plan was Sam – yet again. When Rajitha got
hammered for what looked like a certain six runs, SuperSam snuck out from behind a tree,
somersaulted on to the field, took a hop, skip and a flying leap and caught the ball with
his stomach. Prasad vowed to try that one next time. During the team huddle, when the
rest of the team asked Sam what he was doing in the bushes he said he was definitely not
smoking. He confessed to raising his finger at a couple of rabbits, giving them out lbw.
With one wicket left to go and still not much runs on the board, the skipper threw Ricky the ball.
Actually, Charuka threw the ball at Ricky hoping to hit him after he had got sick of being pestered
for a bowl all day. Ricky mistook this for being asked to bowl. All the fielders did the sensible
thing and scattered, placing themselves safely behind the largest possible tree they could find.
Only the umpire and the wicket keeper were left to fend for themselves.
Ricky immediately launched into mental disintegration strategy that Warne would have been
proud of. This was a rather risky strategy considering the batsman did not appear to be of the
stable sort. The batsman and Ricky traded words, or at least noises. No one was quite sure what
to make of the exchange, but it appeared to have deep meaning to both parties. Ricky seemed
to have it under control. This was proven when he got his man out a couple of balls into his spell
and the two of them hugged and shook hands mid-pitch.
The scene was set with 118 runs to chase – a task that has repeatedly proven to be well
beyond reach. The plan was simple – Prasad would score another 100 and hopefully 18 extras
would be given by the umpire that Rajitha had befriended. Although Ricky was told he would
be batting at No 8, he had his pads on even before the openers had made it off the field.
Immediate orders were given to Sam to stick to scoring. Sasha was sent out to umpire.
The run chase was anything but usual. Prasad was ready to face the second ball of the day, but
was made to wait a little longer. The second ball of the day was a juicy full toss down leg that
the opener tried to leave. But it was so juicy that it managed to find the middle of the bat and
then a bush. This prompted Sasha to start sledging the batsman – asking him if this was the first
six he had ever hit. The opener set Sasha straight saying he had once scored a six when he hit
the ball to the deep midwicket boundary, and got six runs over covers – he ran two runs and
then got 4 overthrows.
That shut Sasha up for another two balls. The opener then tried to leave a ball on the off side
only to have it find the bottom edge of the bat and then the boundary. This resulted in further
sledging from Sasha who ran up to the batsman and offered him a drink, saying he was on 10
runs and must be very tired! The batsman then called for Sam to give Sasha out.
Lasith then got going and we were quickly 21 runs in 3 overs. Ricky had already started his
customary praying for a wicket. Lasith continued to stroke a fluent 52 runs with cover drives and
proper drives off good length balls. Prasad finally got sick of waiting for his turn to bat that he
took off his pads and asked the skipper to find another one-down batsman. Before the skipper
could look around, he had his answer on his lap - he suddenly found Ricky sitting on his lap.
Considering the morning’s confession, the skipper got twitch and Ricky was given the nod.
Unfortunately when the openers scored the winning runs, he was seen heading towards his
car, pads still on. He reported scoring a century at home. His aunty confirms this report.
All in all it was a good day… How’z That?
seen smoking on the boundary in our last report. This incorrect report almost resulted in him
receiving a life time ban from the sport when his wife read the article and threatened to revoke
his temporary visa. So let's set the record straight - it was in fact Ricky Kapoor Punter who was
guilty of smoking on the job – let’s hope Ricky’s Mum doesn’t read this. How’z That would like to
apologise to all parties concerned and takes no responsibility for all inaccuracies.
Now back to the cricket.
Last Sat started in the usual fashion. Stand in skipper Charuka was frantically working the
phones 10 minutes before start of play when the usual suspects were no where to be found.
Rajitha's presence was ensured this time by Charuka who drove to his house and escorted him to
the grounds. But Eddie had once again disappeared in the middle of the night, last seen heading
no where special.
Dilshan saved the day and showed up – sneaking out the back door when his baby boy
was screaming at the top of his voice. He was advised to wear his cup on the way home.
Ricky made an announcement to anyone who’d listen that he had given up on the opposite sex.
This prompted everyone to not turn their back on Ricky.
The day got started with the skipper throwing the new ball to veteran space bowler Imran Atif
Khan. Young and agile Prasad was thrown the wicket keeping gloves. He threw them back.
Atif put the pressure on Prasad from the first ball. Some went to the left and others to the right
and most went off the middle of the bat to the boundary. Even the batsmen struggled to figure
out Atif’s strategy. Only Ricky seemed to know the plan and was heard shouting “I know what
you are doing, Stif.”
Before long, however, Atif got his first wicket when the batsman struggled with the pace. The
ball came so slowly that the bails almost refused to budge. Even Prasad got carried away with
the slow pace. You might recall the match where Prasad attempted a catch with his elbow. This
time he tried to stop one of Atif's space balls using his mouth. This required immediate medical
attention of the mental kind, administered by Rajitha.
Atif did finally get one of his balls to go through at pace – in fact it was clocked doing 160 km/hr.
This was on the way home when he was clocked speeding on the M2 in his little blue sports car.
The speed camera photo shows his other ball firmly lodged in his throat.
The other bowler who did a bit of damage was Rajitha. Although he started the day by
complaining he had a back ache after attempting to sit down too quickly, he managed to
mysteriously cure this problem when the skipper threw him the ball.
Debutant Aneesh also contributed a second ball wicket before ensuring the fielders got into
shape chasing balls to the boundary.
Thanks to some classic catches, we had them at about 60/6 from 16 overs. Young Prasad won
the KFC catch of the match when the ball was lobbed softly up in the air above the batsman’s
head. Prasad dived to the left, got up, then dived to the right, got up, moved back to his original
spot and caught it to a thundering applause. He was almost carried off the field by Rajitha who
fortunately remembered he had a back ache. Besides we still had a few more wickets to get.
We were doing so well that Prasad immediately ordered everyone to stop taking wickets so that
we would have enough runs to chase. He led by example by promptly dropping the next catch.
Not wanting to disobey Prasad, one of the monkeys placed at deep mid-wicket immediately tried
to run into the trees when a catch was sent his way. Even with his best attempt to run away
from the ball, it landed in his palms. He did, however, succeed in dropping it in style and quickly
signalled a four to the cheers of both sides.
Rajitha also contributed to the team strategy. In fact, he even managed to kick the ball from slips
all the way to the boundary after dropping the catch. Charuka and Ricky also chipped in with
some high quality drops. Rajitha did get the award for best drop though.
The only person who refused to follow the plan was Sam – yet again. When Rajitha got
hammered for what looked like a certain six runs, SuperSam snuck out from behind a tree,
somersaulted on to the field, took a hop, skip and a flying leap and caught the ball with
his stomach. Prasad vowed to try that one next time. During the team huddle, when the
rest of the team asked Sam what he was doing in the bushes he said he was definitely not
smoking. He confessed to raising his finger at a couple of rabbits, giving them out lbw.
With one wicket left to go and still not much runs on the board, the skipper threw Ricky the ball.
Actually, Charuka threw the ball at Ricky hoping to hit him after he had got sick of being pestered
for a bowl all day. Ricky mistook this for being asked to bowl. All the fielders did the sensible
thing and scattered, placing themselves safely behind the largest possible tree they could find.
Only the umpire and the wicket keeper were left to fend for themselves.
Ricky immediately launched into mental disintegration strategy that Warne would have been
proud of. This was a rather risky strategy considering the batsman did not appear to be of the
stable sort. The batsman and Ricky traded words, or at least noises. No one was quite sure what
to make of the exchange, but it appeared to have deep meaning to both parties. Ricky seemed
to have it under control. This was proven when he got his man out a couple of balls into his spell
and the two of them hugged and shook hands mid-pitch.
The scene was set with 118 runs to chase – a task that has repeatedly proven to be well
beyond reach. The plan was simple – Prasad would score another 100 and hopefully 18 extras
would be given by the umpire that Rajitha had befriended. Although Ricky was told he would
be batting at No 8, he had his pads on even before the openers had made it off the field.
Immediate orders were given to Sam to stick to scoring. Sasha was sent out to umpire.
The run chase was anything but usual. Prasad was ready to face the second ball of the day, but
was made to wait a little longer. The second ball of the day was a juicy full toss down leg that
the opener tried to leave. But it was so juicy that it managed to find the middle of the bat and
then a bush. This prompted Sasha to start sledging the batsman – asking him if this was the first
six he had ever hit. The opener set Sasha straight saying he had once scored a six when he hit
the ball to the deep midwicket boundary, and got six runs over covers – he ran two runs and
then got 4 overthrows.
That shut Sasha up for another two balls. The opener then tried to leave a ball on the off side
only to have it find the bottom edge of the bat and then the boundary. This resulted in further
sledging from Sasha who ran up to the batsman and offered him a drink, saying he was on 10
runs and must be very tired! The batsman then called for Sam to give Sasha out.
Lasith then got going and we were quickly 21 runs in 3 overs. Ricky had already started his
customary praying for a wicket. Lasith continued to stroke a fluent 52 runs with cover drives and
proper drives off good length balls. Prasad finally got sick of waiting for his turn to bat that he
took off his pads and asked the skipper to find another one-down batsman. Before the skipper
could look around, he had his answer on his lap - he suddenly found Ricky sitting on his lap.
Considering the morning’s confession, the skipper got twitch and Ricky was given the nod.
Unfortunately when the openers scored the winning runs, he was seen heading towards his
car, pads still on. He reported scoring a century at home. His aunty confirms this report.
All in all it was a good day… How’z That?
The Grand Final - 2008 April
Final finale…
As we all know it’s not always the best team that wins the grand final at the end of the day. For instance, at the last world cup finals, Sri Lanka lost to Australia in somewhat unfortunate and controversial circumstances.
Thank goodness that was not the case last weekend! The controversy was there at the end when we were awarded the match and then asked to take the field again. We were also taken off the field the previous day to avoid a storm that was in New Zealand and heading our way… but in the end … Hold on, let’s rewind the clock to the beginning before discussing the end.
During the break between the semi finals and the finals, a couple of the senior members of the team that have been acting as the brains trust came up with a rather unique strategy to win the finals.
Problem was that these senior members were so senior and shared only about half a brain cell between them that none of them could remember what was discussed, who was at the meeting and what the agreed strategy was.
However some investigative reporting and guess work from the usual highly unreliable sources revealed the following plan. Also a document titled “BHCC finals strategy” was leaked and analysed carefully. Without naming names, suffice it to say that not one cohesive sentence was found on the back of that napkin that had a lot of Arabic scriptures and funny faces.
In essence, it was deciphered that the strategy that would be followed was for us to loose the toss and let the opposition take full charge of the match. Then lull them into believing that they can win the match easily before allowing them to then find a way to lose the match at the 11th hour.
This strategy was devised after the semi finals where the skipper lost the toss and the openers immediately got out. It was believed this was good for the team because it got all the guys who did not have a chance to contribute anything all season to finally do so – which was pretty much everybody.
So the skipper did his part – the toss was tossed and as usual we lost. Amazingly the opponents asked us to bat, as was the case in the semis. The openers were asked to once again throw their wickets and stick to the plan.
But Las was not willing to throw his wicket saying his mum would come to watch and he had told her that he was the mainstay of the team and needed to back this up. So the other opener had to sacrifice his wicket for the team. He did so by running himself out. To make it look like he was not throwing the game, he actually took a bottle of water out with him when he went to bat and asked the umpire to hold it. It looked like he was planning a long innings but we all knew better. The umpire kindly handed him the bottle on the way back. All part of the plan.
Prasad who was well aware of the team tactic was already at the crease before the batsman had even had a chance to pick up his water bottle from the umpire.
We had the opponents exactly where we wanted them – on top. According to the DL revised formula (DLv2.0) which now takes into account team strategy, fitness levels, opposition noise levels and the good looks of the batsman, the opening batsman had done a stellar job. His one run was worth at least 2.
Prasad and Las then stepped into gear and attempted to shut the keeper up. When that failed they summoned the ear plugs that was especially purchased to deal with the opposition strategy of screaming in the batsman’s ears till they went nuts and walked off the field.
Ricky refused to hand over the ear plugs though saying he needed it because he was getting a headache with all the noise.
Eventually Las couldn’t take it any more and he walked off the field in disgust. The plan was working perfectly. The opposition was now well and truly on top and the silverware looked like it was slipping out of our grasp. Charuka and Sacha have been in search of this silverware for six years and they were now considering buying their own trophy as a reward for their perseverance.
This opened the door to Chani. Remember that Chani is the reason we had to move up two levels in the competition. His average was over 60 last year, so the ICC told us that we could not be playing teams like Bangladesh with a player of Chani’s quality on our side. They were worried he would damage a few helmets with his bowling and shatter a few egos with his batting.
The response to this by the senior brains trust was to pull Chani aside at the beginning of the season and tell him to get his average down to something more respectable. And by that they meant an average in the single digits like everyone else in the team.
He obliged. Other than the odd occasion where he couldn’t help himself, he has managed to be a team player and ensured his average was kept to a respectable 1.5. On Saturday, however, we were expecting him to go nuts seeing as this was his last game of the season. But being the trooper that he is, he ran himself out with the help of Prasad who said “yes, no, may be, may be not, definitely no… oh no, xxxx, xxxx” and by the end of that sentence, Chani already had his pads off and was looking for a beer.
Once again Captain NG said “relax boys… all part of the plan” and walked out calmly taking note of the boundary rope on the way out. He was afraid of tripping over it on the way back.
He waisted no time trying to get himself out. Swinging at everything wildly, especially if it was moving. So much so that the umpire started taking a detour when walking between wickets and all low-flying birds got the message out to each other and kept their distance.
Prasad kept his distance too. Before long these two veterans had the scoreboard ticking. Sam was visibly agitated. He had come to enjoy the last weekend of cricket and was being made to work. Being the team man that he has been all season though, he quietly ticked the boxes and acknowledged the umpire’s signals.
Rajitha had at this point woken up from his afternoon nap and was shouting regular instructions to both Prasad and Nirav. He kept shouting “stay there” hoping to get a bit more sleep.
More to come…
Charuka was now padded up and ready to repeat his match winning semi-final performance. We still had only a few runs on the board however as the grass was really thick and senior men out in the middle believed that the only runs out there were the occasional single and regular six.
Finally Prasad who had made about 28 decided to hit himself a single which almost went for a six but because he only wanted a single he tried to keep it in the ground and was caught on the boundary. This meant it was time for Charuka to bring it on.
Charuka went out and patiently took his time with some immaculate forward defensive shots that had the openers taking notes. Then on the last ball of one over Charuka managed to get himself out – caught on the boundary. Charuka made his way back shaking his head profusely. In the post-mortem Charuka was asked to explain what happened and his response was “I don’t know what happened. I went to hit a defensive shot and the next thing I knew was the ball was flying to the boundary.”
The openers were now interrogating Charuka on how to play this shot. He noted that this was known as an offensive defense shot that very few batsmen in the world had mastered. Only Prasad seemed to know what Charuka was talking about because he got out to the same type of shot.. Ricky claimed that he was a master of that shot and one of these seasons he would show us.
Meanwhile Las quickly grabbed his bat and started practicing the shot in preparation for next season. Ndias was then seen giving Charuka some coaching on a shot he had mastered and had served him well over the years – how to swing like mad and miss everything while acting like you meant to do it.
The cat was now amongst the pigeons. Ricky was smiling from ear to ear because he had been promoted to number 10 and it looked like his chance to bat was only moments away.
Rajitha made his way out to join Rav after waking up, yawing, stretching and then getting his pads on. The scoreboard read 5 down for not a hell of a lot. The blame for the low score was put solely on Sam who was responsible for all matters related to the score.
Rajitha and Rav then decided to see how many times they could clear the boundary. Rajitha started knocking a few balls out of the ground to ensure he got a few runs before he ran himself out.
Then Captain NG tried to hit one out of the ground after the opponents got him a bit irritated with the constant nagging. Unfortunately the only thing that ended up exiting the ground was Rav after his six fell short of the boundary by only about 100m or so. The team strategy was now almost complete. The opposition were confident of winning the match easily. It looked like it could be all over on Saturday, giving everyone a well earned Sunday off.
Aiyesh, however, had other ideas. He had rolled up his sleaves and lined up boundaries. Throughout the season, he had provided us a few good memorable innings, so were looking forward to him taking charge again. It didn’t take him long to make his way back to the pavilion without troubling his good friend Sam. No one, including himself, is quite sure about what other ideas he had. He has been invited to join the brains trust.
Dilshan was then given the baton. He put it down and too his bat out instead. The boys were preparing themselves for some fireworks. A couple of overs later he confessed that he had forgotten the matches and there would be no fireworks. He made his way back.
The opposition was holding all their catches which was we were confident was against the rules. Prasad started looking through the rule book to identify the rule that outlawed this type of fielding. Meanwhile the opposition had handed the ball to a bowler that was ripping them through and had our batsmen scratching their heads.
This prompted an inquiry into who the bowler was. One of the guys though he had represented Pakistan but Atif was not there to confirm or deny this fact. Sacha was summoned to take pictures of the bowler so that he could be identified in a line up and we would be able to claim victory on grounds that this bowler was just too good for us. Sacha obliged. He did however grumble that he had to delete a few of his nude photographs on his camera to make room for these pictures.
Dilshan's exit had Ricky jumping up and down. He finally got his long awaited chance to show off all his strokes he has been talking about all season. He was cheered out onto the ground. Actually the guys were pointing the way to the middle because Ricky hadn't seen the middle in some time and didn't quite remember what it looked like.
He asked the umpire for off-stump guard and the umpire asked him if he was serious. He asked the umpire if he looked like a joker. Rajitha confirmed he was serious. The ump obliged. Ricky then settled in for a long innings with some solid defensive shots. It was one of his longer innings of the season. It took him about six balls to get wrapped on his pads and be judged lbw. He was dumbfounded. He told the umpire the ball was going down leg.
The umpire agreed that down leg to an off stump guard meant it would take out middle. Ricky responded by saying it was clearly going over middle. The umpire agreed to this as well and said it was definitely going over his middle toe and would have taken the middle of middle. Ricky was unimpressed and gave him the middle finger salute. He said he would be taking up his case with the ICC and was confident of having the umpire moved to a lower grade, which means Ricky might get a chance of meeting this umpire again next season.
Sam then decided it was up to him to get us to a defendable score. So he stayed there while the runs were all scored on the other end by Rajitha. Rajitha was on heat at this stage and was heard shouting at himself to stay there, crease his bat and don't be silly.
Finally Rajitha too got himself out to a defensive shot that ended in the hands of a boundary fielder. We were all out for 99 runs, which meant the opposition had to get exactly 100 to win.
We had about an hour left in the day and thought that the opposition might be able to wrap it up that evening, giving us the next day off.
We took the field quickly and handed the ball to Chani and Sacha. One of the first overs got hit for 10 runs – a six and two twos. Things were looking good for a quick finish.
More to come…
To help finish the match quickly the senior brains trust considered handing the ball to Rickster. But since Chani was doing such a good job of getting thrashed, the skipper decided not to mess with the plan that was working.
Then Sacha ripped the off stump out of the other opener who tried to make a statement by hitting a six to get off the mark. Sacha was the only one who made the statement – as he always does, without a fuss. He was on fire once again. Whatever was burning the rear end of his pants in the semifinals was obviously still simmering.
Chani decided to… well, it's not quite clear what he decided, but he very quickly got a ball through the batsman who was looking like finishing the game pretty swiftly. This got everyone pumped.
The opposition then sent in the night watchman to see the day through. This mean there was no chance of having a Sunday off, which got everyone irritated. The guys decided if we were not going to have Sunday off, we better make it a miserable Sunday for the opposition. We got on the hunt for another wicket.
Then the umpire remembered that he had a Saturday drinking session with his bowling club members and called it a day after pointing at clouds hovering over New Zealand. He said he did not want to be responsible for any of us being struck by lightning. The batsman were offered the lightning and they grabbed it and walked off.
This really irritated Sam because it meant he was going to have to wait an hour for his wife to come and pick him up and with lightning in the area, he was a bit concerned about getting a free perm.
The rest of the boyz went home while it is understood that Rajitha and Charuka went dancing… There was talk about the senior brains trust having a late night meeting to discuss strategy for the following day, but by the time they got home they had forgotten about the meeting…
Dilshan went home and complained to his wife that she had forgotten to pack his matches and claimed his poor performance was all her fault. She then found the matches and alighted the fuse and well… there were fireworks…
More to come…
Those fireworks in Dilshan’s house got him a bit disoriented. He sent out an sms to the whole team asking everyone to come to the grounds one hour later than the start time to ensure we were ready for day light savings one week before the event.
Rumour has it that Dilshan was offered a bribe by his Kenyan neighbors to get the guys to come late to the grounds so they could claim a forfeit. These serious allegations are being investigated by BHCC, ICC, CHCI, ICAC, CNG and WHOTHEHELLCARES. Dilshan has vehemently denied all allegations and claims no allegiance to his African brothers, no knowledge of any sms or much else for that matter. In fact, he claims that he has yet to figure out how to use the sms feature on his phone and it could have been his son that accidentally sent the message out. The team is supporting him fully and one of the guys did notice the handwriting and grammar was rather immature – like that of a two year old. It could have well been an sms from Warne.
Regardless of the sms scandal, we all turned up at the grounds early – 5 minutes before start of play to get some dropping practice.
Everyone showed up with good supporting casts – Rav brought his father along for a bit of calm guidance; Charuka’s wife, mum, psychologist and trainer showed up; Las’ mum was there; Dilshan brought along his better half and a replacement fielder just in case his big toe started hurting again; Prasad’s wife and kids made an appearance on Sat, saw how poorly he played and decided not to come ever again; Aiyesh showed up; Nuwan et al came to have a good laugh at us; Sacha’s father came to help carry all his camera equipment around the grounds; Chani showed up with wife and coach; Ricky’s fan club showed up after he fooled them into believing they were going to a BBQ and pool party – he was careful to bring them on Sun when all they would get to see was him drop a few catches at best.
Rajitha’s fan club hadn’t arrived yet so decided to call them and find out where the bus full of fans were. He then realised he couldn’t remember his home number or his wife’s name, so he gave up. Ndias asked his wife to drive him to the grounds to trick her into showing up – she told him to bugger off … he did…
After dropping all our practice catches, we were ready to take the field. The plan was simple. Get 8 wickets. No one really cared how we got them as long as we got them before they scored another 90 runs. Ricky asked for the ball as he had told his fan club that he was the main strike bowler. The skipper told him there were plenty of balls in the team kit that he could have after the match.
More to come…
News FLASH. One of our unconfirmed and unreliable sources believes they have identified the unidentified fast bowler the opposition used as a secret weapon. We sent Sacha's picture to Interpol and also to a contact of ours that has connections in Pakistan.
Our source tells us that this bowler is actually D Shaoib Phaktor, a distant relation of Shaoib D Aktor. Like his cousin this bowler used to play cricket in Pakistan at a high level (somewhere up in hills) until he was banned from playing for doing nothing wrong.
Anyway who cares about him let's get back to us.
On Sunday, when everyone took the field with enthusiasm, the guys realised that Rajitha was fast asleep in his chair, so he was carried out to his position in slips. The skipper called a team huddle during which Baner's absence was noted and Ricky's presence was felt as he grabbed the left cheek of one of the guys. Baner, who has been an integral part of getting us to the finals, was unable to take part due to other commitments that included taking his Honda lawn mover out for a spin.
Baner was responsible for recruiting about half the guys in the side and was quick to offer his spot to one of the younger players when Nirav for the first time all season was bombarded with phone calls telling him that every player was available and wanted to play in the finals. Amazingly, no one pulled out last minute, which has prompted a change in strategy for next season where every game is going to be a grand final.
The skipper opened the bowling this morning with Chani on the other end. The batsmen looked like they were settling in until Chani devised a very cunning plan. He placed a fielder right in front of the batsman so that any shot would deflect off this fielder and then hopefully another fielder would catch it.
It was a great plan for everyone but the poor bastard asked to stand in front of the bat. It did, however, work. The batsman leaned in for a drive and the silly fielder standing there closed his eyes and said his prayers. Remembering what had happened to Dilshan earlier in the season, the fielder’s immediate reaction was to cover the crown jewels.
The next thing he knew was he was surrounded by all the fielders who were patting him on the back congratulating for taking a catch. He had no idea what they were talking about but decided to bask in the glory as this was not something he experienced much.
Chani took full credit for the wicket.
The next man came in and started going for his shots. The batsmen were beginning to look a bit dangerous. Then the partnership got broken when they decided to try running between the wickets like we did – kamikaze style. The ball was thrown into Charuka who stood there watching the grass grow as it took for ever to get in… he then whipped the bails off and it was all over red rover…
This resulted in Younis Khan coming into bat and he settled in. We then got the other batsman out as he tried hit a six and sent the ball up towards Las who ran circles under the ball before deciding to catch it. He practiced this routine before the match and carried it out perfectly.
That’s when all the fun started because the wicket keeper made his way to the crease. All of a sudden the grounds turned into a fish market… on one side of the batsman one of the fielders was selling some fishy deals at the top of his voice while on the other side there was some Greek philosophy being recited by Ayesh and Rickster… We even thought about offering the garden ear gear to the batsman out of sympathy. The umpire stepped in and asked for a bit of quiet after he couldn’t hear himself count.
One of the fielders was shouting so loud that he gave himself a headache and had to walk off and get an aspirin. The plan did eventually work when the batsman couldn’t take it anymore and gifted a catch to Ricky and walked off… Everyone was shouting for Ricky to run the batsman out as they were not expecting him to catch it. But he caught it and acted like he meant it… Nobody questioned him.
Batting pretty much stopped from that point on and there was nothing but defensive shots. Finally the umpire got fed up and started raising his finger at everything. Nirav once even caughed and had it result in the umpire raising his finger. Things were looking good. But then one of the remaining batsman decided to have a dash to the finish line. They only needed about 30 runs.
Dilshan was seen on his hands and knees praying for the last two wickets. As they inched closer to the finish line, another wicket fell but they only needed a little over 20 runs. Rajitha was given the ball and asked to be selfish. We told him that he didn’t have to feel bad about hogging all the wickets like he did in one match where he took 7 wickets. He said he didn’t feel good about that and asked Nirav and Sacha to also take a few…
Chani had meanwhile walked off the field to get his afternoon nap saying it was too hot to bowl and that his right leg was hurting… however when he was walking off the field he was holding his left leg and we all assumed it had to do with the fact that he was right-handed or something like that… He had been off the field for so long that the umpire said he would only be able to bowl in the grand finals of next season… so we told him to enjoy his nap instead.
With the last two batsmen at the crease, it was do or die for them. Rajitha tossed up a lolly pop and then watched it sail out of the neighbourhood. Dilshan had broken into a cold sweat. Rajitha believed the batsman had used all his strength hitting that 6 that was actually worthy of 12 considering how far it went. So he tossed the ball up again… Dilshan was heard crying at this stage…
The batsman took a huge swing and sent the ball straight up because it came so slow. Ricky immediately claimed the catch although it was about 100 ft in the air. A few of the guys were seen running towards Ricky to tackle him so he didn’t attempt the catch. Rajitha also told him to stop being silly and got under the catch. He managed to hold on to it and there was chaos as the victory celebrations started with Ricky pulling a stump out of the ground and claiming it…
Dilshan still had his eyes closed and was told he could now open them. The umpire awarded to match to us and everyone eventually walked off the field and shook hands with the other guys…
But Younis Khan, in typical sub-continental fashion walked out and had a long chat with the umpire. The umpire then called us back and told us we had to bat again as the opposition had convinced him that they would bowl us out for less than 15 runs in an hour and have an hour to get the required 35 runs.
Dilshan was once again on his hands and knees. He was heard asking what it takes to win a grand final. Just like the world cup where
As we all know it’s not always the best team that wins the grand final at the end of the day. For instance, at the last world cup finals, Sri Lanka lost to Australia in somewhat unfortunate and controversial circumstances.
Thank goodness that was not the case last weekend! The controversy was there at the end when we were awarded the match and then asked to take the field again. We were also taken off the field the previous day to avoid a storm that was in New Zealand and heading our way… but in the end … Hold on, let’s rewind the clock to the beginning before discussing the end.
During the break between the semi finals and the finals, a couple of the senior members of the team that have been acting as the brains trust came up with a rather unique strategy to win the finals.
Problem was that these senior members were so senior and shared only about half a brain cell between them that none of them could remember what was discussed, who was at the meeting and what the agreed strategy was.
However some investigative reporting and guess work from the usual highly unreliable sources revealed the following plan. Also a document titled “BHCC finals strategy” was leaked and analysed carefully. Without naming names, suffice it to say that not one cohesive sentence was found on the back of that napkin that had a lot of Arabic scriptures and funny faces.
In essence, it was deciphered that the strategy that would be followed was for us to loose the toss and let the opposition take full charge of the match. Then lull them into believing that they can win the match easily before allowing them to then find a way to lose the match at the 11th hour.
This strategy was devised after the semi finals where the skipper lost the toss and the openers immediately got out. It was believed this was good for the team because it got all the guys who did not have a chance to contribute anything all season to finally do so – which was pretty much everybody.
So the skipper did his part – the toss was tossed and as usual we lost. Amazingly the opponents asked us to bat, as was the case in the semis. The openers were asked to once again throw their wickets and stick to the plan.
But Las was not willing to throw his wicket saying his mum would come to watch and he had told her that he was the mainstay of the team and needed to back this up. So the other opener had to sacrifice his wicket for the team. He did so by running himself out. To make it look like he was not throwing the game, he actually took a bottle of water out with him when he went to bat and asked the umpire to hold it. It looked like he was planning a long innings but we all knew better. The umpire kindly handed him the bottle on the way back. All part of the plan.
Prasad who was well aware of the team tactic was already at the crease before the batsman had even had a chance to pick up his water bottle from the umpire.
We had the opponents exactly where we wanted them – on top. According to the DL revised formula (DLv2.0) which now takes into account team strategy, fitness levels, opposition noise levels and the good looks of the batsman, the opening batsman had done a stellar job. His one run was worth at least 2.
Prasad and Las then stepped into gear and attempted to shut the keeper up. When that failed they summoned the ear plugs that was especially purchased to deal with the opposition strategy of screaming in the batsman’s ears till they went nuts and walked off the field.
Ricky refused to hand over the ear plugs though saying he needed it because he was getting a headache with all the noise.
Eventually Las couldn’t take it any more and he walked off the field in disgust. The plan was working perfectly. The opposition was now well and truly on top and the silverware looked like it was slipping out of our grasp. Charuka and Sacha have been in search of this silverware for six years and they were now considering buying their own trophy as a reward for their perseverance.
This opened the door to Chani. Remember that Chani is the reason we had to move up two levels in the competition. His average was over 60 last year, so the ICC told us that we could not be playing teams like Bangladesh with a player of Chani’s quality on our side. They were worried he would damage a few helmets with his bowling and shatter a few egos with his batting.
The response to this by the senior brains trust was to pull Chani aside at the beginning of the season and tell him to get his average down to something more respectable. And by that they meant an average in the single digits like everyone else in the team.
He obliged. Other than the odd occasion where he couldn’t help himself, he has managed to be a team player and ensured his average was kept to a respectable 1.5. On Saturday, however, we were expecting him to go nuts seeing as this was his last game of the season. But being the trooper that he is, he ran himself out with the help of Prasad who said “yes, no, may be, may be not, definitely no… oh no, xxxx, xxxx” and by the end of that sentence, Chani already had his pads off and was looking for a beer.
Once again Captain NG said “relax boys… all part of the plan” and walked out calmly taking note of the boundary rope on the way out. He was afraid of tripping over it on the way back.
He waisted no time trying to get himself out. Swinging at everything wildly, especially if it was moving. So much so that the umpire started taking a detour when walking between wickets and all low-flying birds got the message out to each other and kept their distance.
Prasad kept his distance too. Before long these two veterans had the scoreboard ticking. Sam was visibly agitated. He had come to enjoy the last weekend of cricket and was being made to work. Being the team man that he has been all season though, he quietly ticked the boxes and acknowledged the umpire’s signals.
Rajitha had at this point woken up from his afternoon nap and was shouting regular instructions to both Prasad and Nirav. He kept shouting “stay there” hoping to get a bit more sleep.
More to come…
Charuka was now padded up and ready to repeat his match winning semi-final performance. We still had only a few runs on the board however as the grass was really thick and senior men out in the middle believed that the only runs out there were the occasional single and regular six.
Finally Prasad who had made about 28 decided to hit himself a single which almost went for a six but because he only wanted a single he tried to keep it in the ground and was caught on the boundary. This meant it was time for Charuka to bring it on.
Charuka went out and patiently took his time with some immaculate forward defensive shots that had the openers taking notes. Then on the last ball of one over Charuka managed to get himself out – caught on the boundary. Charuka made his way back shaking his head profusely. In the post-mortem Charuka was asked to explain what happened and his response was “I don’t know what happened. I went to hit a defensive shot and the next thing I knew was the ball was flying to the boundary.”
The openers were now interrogating Charuka on how to play this shot. He noted that this was known as an offensive defense shot that very few batsmen in the world had mastered. Only Prasad seemed to know what Charuka was talking about because he got out to the same type of shot.. Ricky claimed that he was a master of that shot and one of these seasons he would show us.
Meanwhile Las quickly grabbed his bat and started practicing the shot in preparation for next season. Ndias was then seen giving Charuka some coaching on a shot he had mastered and had served him well over the years – how to swing like mad and miss everything while acting like you meant to do it.
The cat was now amongst the pigeons. Ricky was smiling from ear to ear because he had been promoted to number 10 and it looked like his chance to bat was only moments away.
Rajitha made his way out to join Rav after waking up, yawing, stretching and then getting his pads on. The scoreboard read 5 down for not a hell of a lot. The blame for the low score was put solely on Sam who was responsible for all matters related to the score.
Rajitha and Rav then decided to see how many times they could clear the boundary. Rajitha started knocking a few balls out of the ground to ensure he got a few runs before he ran himself out.
Then Captain NG tried to hit one out of the ground after the opponents got him a bit irritated with the constant nagging. Unfortunately the only thing that ended up exiting the ground was Rav after his six fell short of the boundary by only about 100m or so. The team strategy was now almost complete. The opposition were confident of winning the match easily. It looked like it could be all over on Saturday, giving everyone a well earned Sunday off.
Aiyesh, however, had other ideas. He had rolled up his sleaves and lined up boundaries. Throughout the season, he had provided us a few good memorable innings, so were looking forward to him taking charge again. It didn’t take him long to make his way back to the pavilion without troubling his good friend Sam. No one, including himself, is quite sure about what other ideas he had. He has been invited to join the brains trust.
Dilshan was then given the baton. He put it down and too his bat out instead. The boys were preparing themselves for some fireworks. A couple of overs later he confessed that he had forgotten the matches and there would be no fireworks. He made his way back.
The opposition was holding all their catches which was we were confident was against the rules. Prasad started looking through the rule book to identify the rule that outlawed this type of fielding. Meanwhile the opposition had handed the ball to a bowler that was ripping them through and had our batsmen scratching their heads.
This prompted an inquiry into who the bowler was. One of the guys though he had represented Pakistan but Atif was not there to confirm or deny this fact. Sacha was summoned to take pictures of the bowler so that he could be identified in a line up and we would be able to claim victory on grounds that this bowler was just too good for us. Sacha obliged. He did however grumble that he had to delete a few of his nude photographs on his camera to make room for these pictures.
Dilshan's exit had Ricky jumping up and down. He finally got his long awaited chance to show off all his strokes he has been talking about all season. He was cheered out onto the ground. Actually the guys were pointing the way to the middle because Ricky hadn't seen the middle in some time and didn't quite remember what it looked like.
He asked the umpire for off-stump guard and the umpire asked him if he was serious. He asked the umpire if he looked like a joker. Rajitha confirmed he was serious. The ump obliged. Ricky then settled in for a long innings with some solid defensive shots. It was one of his longer innings of the season. It took him about six balls to get wrapped on his pads and be judged lbw. He was dumbfounded. He told the umpire the ball was going down leg.
The umpire agreed that down leg to an off stump guard meant it would take out middle. Ricky responded by saying it was clearly going over middle. The umpire agreed to this as well and said it was definitely going over his middle toe and would have taken the middle of middle. Ricky was unimpressed and gave him the middle finger salute. He said he would be taking up his case with the ICC and was confident of having the umpire moved to a lower grade, which means Ricky might get a chance of meeting this umpire again next season.
Sam then decided it was up to him to get us to a defendable score. So he stayed there while the runs were all scored on the other end by Rajitha. Rajitha was on heat at this stage and was heard shouting at himself to stay there, crease his bat and don't be silly.
Finally Rajitha too got himself out to a defensive shot that ended in the hands of a boundary fielder. We were all out for 99 runs, which meant the opposition had to get exactly 100 to win.
We had about an hour left in the day and thought that the opposition might be able to wrap it up that evening, giving us the next day off.
We took the field quickly and handed the ball to Chani and Sacha. One of the first overs got hit for 10 runs – a six and two twos. Things were looking good for a quick finish.
More to come…
To help finish the match quickly the senior brains trust considered handing the ball to Rickster. But since Chani was doing such a good job of getting thrashed, the skipper decided not to mess with the plan that was working.
Then Sacha ripped the off stump out of the other opener who tried to make a statement by hitting a six to get off the mark. Sacha was the only one who made the statement – as he always does, without a fuss. He was on fire once again. Whatever was burning the rear end of his pants in the semifinals was obviously still simmering.
Chani decided to… well, it's not quite clear what he decided, but he very quickly got a ball through the batsman who was looking like finishing the game pretty swiftly. This got everyone pumped.
The opposition then sent in the night watchman to see the day through. This mean there was no chance of having a Sunday off, which got everyone irritated. The guys decided if we were not going to have Sunday off, we better make it a miserable Sunday for the opposition. We got on the hunt for another wicket.
Then the umpire remembered that he had a Saturday drinking session with his bowling club members and called it a day after pointing at clouds hovering over New Zealand. He said he did not want to be responsible for any of us being struck by lightning. The batsman were offered the lightning and they grabbed it and walked off.
This really irritated Sam because it meant he was going to have to wait an hour for his wife to come and pick him up and with lightning in the area, he was a bit concerned about getting a free perm.
The rest of the boyz went home while it is understood that Rajitha and Charuka went dancing… There was talk about the senior brains trust having a late night meeting to discuss strategy for the following day, but by the time they got home they had forgotten about the meeting…
Dilshan went home and complained to his wife that she had forgotten to pack his matches and claimed his poor performance was all her fault. She then found the matches and alighted the fuse and well… there were fireworks…
More to come…
Those fireworks in Dilshan’s house got him a bit disoriented. He sent out an sms to the whole team asking everyone to come to the grounds one hour later than the start time to ensure we were ready for day light savings one week before the event.
Rumour has it that Dilshan was offered a bribe by his Kenyan neighbors to get the guys to come late to the grounds so they could claim a forfeit. These serious allegations are being investigated by BHCC, ICC, CHCI, ICAC, CNG and WHOTHEHELLCARES. Dilshan has vehemently denied all allegations and claims no allegiance to his African brothers, no knowledge of any sms or much else for that matter. In fact, he claims that he has yet to figure out how to use the sms feature on his phone and it could have been his son that accidentally sent the message out. The team is supporting him fully and one of the guys did notice the handwriting and grammar was rather immature – like that of a two year old. It could have well been an sms from Warne.
Regardless of the sms scandal, we all turned up at the grounds early – 5 minutes before start of play to get some dropping practice.
Everyone showed up with good supporting casts – Rav brought his father along for a bit of calm guidance; Charuka’s wife, mum, psychologist and trainer showed up; Las’ mum was there; Dilshan brought along his better half and a replacement fielder just in case his big toe started hurting again; Prasad’s wife and kids made an appearance on Sat, saw how poorly he played and decided not to come ever again; Aiyesh showed up; Nuwan et al came to have a good laugh at us; Sacha’s father came to help carry all his camera equipment around the grounds; Chani showed up with wife and coach; Ricky’s fan club showed up after he fooled them into believing they were going to a BBQ and pool party – he was careful to bring them on Sun when all they would get to see was him drop a few catches at best.
Rajitha’s fan club hadn’t arrived yet so decided to call them and find out where the bus full of fans were. He then realised he couldn’t remember his home number or his wife’s name, so he gave up. Ndias asked his wife to drive him to the grounds to trick her into showing up – she told him to bugger off … he did…
After dropping all our practice catches, we were ready to take the field. The plan was simple. Get 8 wickets. No one really cared how we got them as long as we got them before they scored another 90 runs. Ricky asked for the ball as he had told his fan club that he was the main strike bowler. The skipper told him there were plenty of balls in the team kit that he could have after the match.
More to come…
News FLASH. One of our unconfirmed and unreliable sources believes they have identified the unidentified fast bowler the opposition used as a secret weapon. We sent Sacha's picture to Interpol and also to a contact of ours that has connections in Pakistan.
Our source tells us that this bowler is actually D Shaoib Phaktor, a distant relation of Shaoib D Aktor. Like his cousin this bowler used to play cricket in Pakistan at a high level (somewhere up in hills) until he was banned from playing for doing nothing wrong.
Anyway who cares about him let's get back to us.
On Sunday, when everyone took the field with enthusiasm, the guys realised that Rajitha was fast asleep in his chair, so he was carried out to his position in slips. The skipper called a team huddle during which Baner's absence was noted and Ricky's presence was felt as he grabbed the left cheek of one of the guys. Baner, who has been an integral part of getting us to the finals, was unable to take part due to other commitments that included taking his Honda lawn mover out for a spin.
Baner was responsible for recruiting about half the guys in the side and was quick to offer his spot to one of the younger players when Nirav for the first time all season was bombarded with phone calls telling him that every player was available and wanted to play in the finals. Amazingly, no one pulled out last minute, which has prompted a change in strategy for next season where every game is going to be a grand final.
The skipper opened the bowling this morning with Chani on the other end. The batsmen looked like they were settling in until Chani devised a very cunning plan. He placed a fielder right in front of the batsman so that any shot would deflect off this fielder and then hopefully another fielder would catch it.
It was a great plan for everyone but the poor bastard asked to stand in front of the bat. It did, however, work. The batsman leaned in for a drive and the silly fielder standing there closed his eyes and said his prayers. Remembering what had happened to Dilshan earlier in the season, the fielder’s immediate reaction was to cover the crown jewels.
The next thing he knew was he was surrounded by all the fielders who were patting him on the back congratulating for taking a catch. He had no idea what they were talking about but decided to bask in the glory as this was not something he experienced much.
Chani took full credit for the wicket.
The next man came in and started going for his shots. The batsmen were beginning to look a bit dangerous. Then the partnership got broken when they decided to try running between the wickets like we did – kamikaze style. The ball was thrown into Charuka who stood there watching the grass grow as it took for ever to get in… he then whipped the bails off and it was all over red rover…
This resulted in Younis Khan coming into bat and he settled in. We then got the other batsman out as he tried hit a six and sent the ball up towards Las who ran circles under the ball before deciding to catch it. He practiced this routine before the match and carried it out perfectly.
That’s when all the fun started because the wicket keeper made his way to the crease. All of a sudden the grounds turned into a fish market… on one side of the batsman one of the fielders was selling some fishy deals at the top of his voice while on the other side there was some Greek philosophy being recited by Ayesh and Rickster… We even thought about offering the garden ear gear to the batsman out of sympathy. The umpire stepped in and asked for a bit of quiet after he couldn’t hear himself count.
One of the fielders was shouting so loud that he gave himself a headache and had to walk off and get an aspirin. The plan did eventually work when the batsman couldn’t take it anymore and gifted a catch to Ricky and walked off… Everyone was shouting for Ricky to run the batsman out as they were not expecting him to catch it. But he caught it and acted like he meant it… Nobody questioned him.
Batting pretty much stopped from that point on and there was nothing but defensive shots. Finally the umpire got fed up and started raising his finger at everything. Nirav once even caughed and had it result in the umpire raising his finger. Things were looking good. But then one of the remaining batsman decided to have a dash to the finish line. They only needed about 30 runs.
Dilshan was seen on his hands and knees praying for the last two wickets. As they inched closer to the finish line, another wicket fell but they only needed a little over 20 runs. Rajitha was given the ball and asked to be selfish. We told him that he didn’t have to feel bad about hogging all the wickets like he did in one match where he took 7 wickets. He said he didn’t feel good about that and asked Nirav and Sacha to also take a few…
Chani had meanwhile walked off the field to get his afternoon nap saying it was too hot to bowl and that his right leg was hurting… however when he was walking off the field he was holding his left leg and we all assumed it had to do with the fact that he was right-handed or something like that… He had been off the field for so long that the umpire said he would only be able to bowl in the grand finals of next season… so we told him to enjoy his nap instead.
With the last two batsmen at the crease, it was do or die for them. Rajitha tossed up a lolly pop and then watched it sail out of the neighbourhood. Dilshan had broken into a cold sweat. Rajitha believed the batsman had used all his strength hitting that 6 that was actually worthy of 12 considering how far it went. So he tossed the ball up again… Dilshan was heard crying at this stage…
The batsman took a huge swing and sent the ball straight up because it came so slow. Ricky immediately claimed the catch although it was about 100 ft in the air. A few of the guys were seen running towards Ricky to tackle him so he didn’t attempt the catch. Rajitha also told him to stop being silly and got under the catch. He managed to hold on to it and there was chaos as the victory celebrations started with Ricky pulling a stump out of the ground and claiming it…
Dilshan still had his eyes closed and was told he could now open them. The umpire awarded to match to us and everyone eventually walked off the field and shook hands with the other guys…
But Younis Khan, in typical sub-continental fashion walked out and had a long chat with the umpire. The umpire then called us back and told us we had to bat again as the opposition had convinced him that they would bowl us out for less than 15 runs in an hour and have an hour to get the required 35 runs.
Dilshan was once again on his hands and knees. He was heard asking what it takes to win a grand final. Just like the world cup where
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