Feb 16
Fantastic. That’s the only way to describe our last match.
At Sydney 2000 during the 100M finals the public announcer said, “Ladies and gentlemen, what a night. It’s not often
that we get to see history in the making let alone be a part of it. Tonight you will be a part of history...” He was right.
What followed was beyond description – you had to be there.
Last Saturday’s game was similar. You had to be there. For those who were there, it will be a game they will not
forget easily. For the rest of you, well, this will have to do…
Let’s start at the beginning. On the first Saturday the main surprise was that we got a game – the rain stopped long
enough to get a game. The second big surprise was to see Charuka’s name on the team sheet as 12tth man. The
official story was that he was getting a well deserved rest from the rigours of grade cricket. In fact the press release
stated that current player commitments to cricket and the launch of the IPL tournament was leading to significant
player burn out, so a rotation policy had been adopted to give players the required time out from the hectic demands
of park cricket.
However, as we all know press releases are not worth the paper they are printed on. Reading between the lines, it
was clear that Charuka was asked by the chief selectors (C. Abhayawickrama) to clock up some runs in his back
yard before putting his hand up for selection. Hence he brought entourage (batting coach and psychologist) to the
ground to give him a work over in the nets. Batting coach Natasha and psychologist Charuni worked on him hard.
Meanwhile Atif was playing his farewell game in front of a packed house before heading out to Asia to join a rogue
league in Singapore. He admitted they were paying him an obscene amount of money. He was going to hang up
his cup after he had a bat and bowl on the first Sat, to be replaced the second Sat by superstar Sam David who has
created a new cult known as “THUC” (Trigger Happy Umpire’s Club). But as with all other team retirements Atif’s was
no different – he showed up on the second Sat in his whites for a game.
Before the game started Ricky had his hand up. When asked what he wanted, he said he put his hand up to be
named man of the match at the end of the game. All the journos in the press booth diligently noted this down. Baner
just sat quietly with a smile that said “we’ll see about that”.
The opponents who always choose to bat first in the hope that they will be able to recruit four passers-by to bat for
them during the course of their innings, won the toss and chose to do exactly that. They immediately sent in the night
watchman along side their only real batsman and bowler – the skipper. The night watchman’s duty was to simply stay
there as long as possible so that they could recruit as many pedestrians as possible.
This was great for us because finally our opening bowlers had found two batsmen that made them look good. They
pretty much left anything that was not heading straight for middle stump, which was pretty much everything. The
scorer’s had already filled in dots in advance in about 20 overs. Sam is considering a position with this team as their
official scorer next year.
When the night watchman stuck his bat out he managed to get a huge edge that saw the ball go straight to second
slip. Fortunately for him, our second slip, Atif, had no intention of catching it and promptly moved himself to the
vacant third slip position. The ball, however, followed him. He managed to protect himself by deflecting the ball the
ground in a move that any black belt karate expert would have been proud of. The rest of his team mates clapped as
he took a bow.
The very next over, the other opener also presented a dolly, again to Atif. This time he was not able to get out of
the way in time and was forced to take drastic defensive measures – he first used his right hand and then his left
to knock the ball away when it refused to go down the first time. Atif said he was intent on not even catching a cold
since he had to travel soon …
The dropped catches were not a problem because no runs were being scored anyway. In fact the fielders were
getting bored of watching the grass grow.
Atif was given the ball as the crowd had been chanting to see Atif bowl one last time. Interesting he cut his run up
and pace down by half. Polite inquiries into the reasoning behind this revealed that he had sold his car and was now
going through life at a much slower pace. Although the pace was so slow and he was in danger of being ticketed for
being well below the required minimum speed, the batsmen chose to leave everything alone.
With wickets being very scarce a couple of senior players had a quiet word in the skipper’s left ear and then the right
ear. The skipper shook his head in disagreement. The senior players swapped sides and repeated their suggestions,
this time starting with the right ear and then the left ear. This time the skipper nodded in agreement that we needed to
chase some runs to get some practice for the next match. We decided to unleash our secret weapon.
Against his better judgement he threw the ball to Ricky. All the fielders scattered. The skipper who was bored of
bowling dot balls decided to dawn the wicket keeping gloves. Ricky had the batsman in stitches after he finally found
page 2 of his bad joke book and cracked a couple of new jokes. He then tossed the ball up and let another joke rip
while the ball was mid-flight. The batsman only managed to hit the ball straight up in the air and Ricky bagged the
prize wicket with a caught and bowled.
Ricky quickly pointed at the press box and put his hand up. He felt he had done enough to be named man of the
match.
But Dilshan felt he deserved the man of the match check instead after pulling off a couple of blinding catches. When
he was unable to get out of the way of the ball that was travelling at pace, he stuck his hands out to protect his
crown jewels and found the ball firmly lodged between his fingers. However, third time round he was not so lucky.
The ball was hit for a six and the only thing standing in the way of the ball and the boundary was Dilshan’s future
generation. He was standing less than 10 feet away from the batsman. Suffice it to say that Dilshan’s future son has
already dropped his first catch. Dilshan was disappointed with his future son’s performance, so much so that he
decided to lie down on the ground and hold the match up for a good 10 minutes before storming off the field, uttering
incohesively and refusing to play for another 20 minutes.
The skipper had seen enough and decided it was time to put the gloves aside and bowl again. He took the ball and
immediately found himself on a hat trick. Although he failed to get the hat trick he did manage to wrap up the tail very
quickly, leaving us a target of 78 runs to get with about 25 overs of the day to go…
As we all know, 78 runs is about 50 runs more than what we are normally comfortable chasing. Sam who was also
on the team rotation schedule had shown up at the grounds to provide some support. When we were struggling to
find a volunteer for umpiring duties, the skipper asked Sam if he would like to do the honours. Surprisingly he turned
down the opportunity but offered to teach a couple of the young guns (Aiyesh and Ricky) the art of raising the finger.
The batting got underway and we managed to slowly edge our way towards about 30 runs before the inevitable
happened. The bowler, who normally plays for his school’s under-12 year managed to get the ball to swing to the
right and then to the left before going straight pass the batsman down the leg. The ball clipped the batsman’s rear
end on the way to the keeper. The batsman admits to having had a healthy dose of masala dosai the previous day,
but vehemently rejects accusations that he made an undue sound as the ball passed him. However, there was a
sound and the opponents all cleared their throats in unison. The umpire failed to realise these boys were simply
practicing for the school choir and immediately raised his finger in Sam-like fashion.
Sam was seen on the side lines sporting a very proud look … The batsman was completely baffled and stood his
ground, not sure if the umpire was asking the bowler to leave the field for excessive appealing. When the batsman
was told to get on his bike, he walked off in a daze and was so confused that he walked straight past the pavilion and
ended up in the kids play ground. He was unable to speak for a while.
Atif was given a promotion, after he announced his retirement. He got off to a good start before walking down the
pitch and having a ball that would have been a wide down leg hitting him on the pad when he was half-way down the
pitch. The bowling side decided to clear their throats again, following the success of the first appeal and sure enough,
the umpire’s finger went up in Sam-like fashion.
The umpiring standard has prompted complaints to the cricket board, with the BCCI (Baulkhamhills Cricket Control
Inthepark) threatening to force the ICC to send these two umpires into exile to join Bucknor. The ICC has slapped
the two umpires with a fine for a Level 1.6 offence under the ICC Code of Conduct regulation. That section relates
to "pointing or gesturing towards the pavilion in an aggressive manner … upon the dismissal of a batsman."
Prasad and Lasith then came together to move the team towards the required total until Lasith managed to get
himself out in a very uncontroversial manner. This gave Dilshan an opportunity to come out and get us over the line
before the end of the day. At this stage we had to get about 25 runs in half an hour. As soon as Prasad got wind of
this he went nuts and started knocking everything. In two overs we were home.
Dilshan was then asked by Prasad to block out the remaining over so that he could open the batting the following
week and have a go. He nodded firmly. He got out the next ball looking to block the ball over the cow-corner
boundary. This resulted in a small dilemma as all the batsmen who had been padded up had already changed their
gear and were ready to go home.
Baner got an immediate promotion and five of the guys helped him pad up, similar to an F1 car doing a pit stop.
Baner was sent out to the middle without a guard and asked to see the last two balls of the day out. All the fielders
were placed around the bat. The first ball was a ripper and Baner played a beautiful forward defense that even
Tendukar would be proud of. The second ball was a full toss that got the treatment.
The day ended well and Baner was pumped to open the batting the following week.
Part II
The following week came and Baner faced up. It only took the bowler a few balls before Baner managed to get one
to swing to the left, then to the right and then instead of swinging back to the left it just disappeared between bat and
pad. This foxed the old master and he was on his bike.
Chani then made the walk out and realised it was far too hot to bat, so he walked back. Prasad agreed with Chani
and also made his way back. This left Rav, Aiyesh, Ricky and Sacha with the usual job of finding a way to give the
bowlers something to bowl at. Nirav, however, cool and calm as usual was confident we had enough runs, so he left
it to Aiyesh and Ricky.
Ricky asked the umpire for the off stump guard so he could claim everything that was plumb was going down leg.
Aiyesh was going well, hammering everything for quick singles. Aiyesh had his sleaves rolled up as usual all the way
to his shoulders to intimidate the bowlers. He kept telling Ricky to use his brain, rather than his bat. This confused
Ricky.
Then Aiyesh got one of those balls that pretty much went straight but will go down in the books as swinging right, left
and cutting off the pitch at a 90-degree angle to take off middle stump. This put all the responsibility of batting on the
shoulders of Ricky. Sacha came out and eyed the boundary. Ricky also decided it was time to find the boundary and
swung wildly at the next delivery. The ball literally broke the middle stump in half and Ricky and Sacha did find the
boundary on their way back to the pavilion as they carefully crossed over it without tripping.
With a 70 run lead, the opponents took the field and provided some good resistance. When the opening bowlers
failed to make a dent, Aiyesh started his chant “at his toes and up his nose”. No bowler has yet figured out how
to do this and it was suggested that Aiyesh find another page from that book he has been quoting all season.
Atif who had come out of retirement for one last hurrah was given the ball. Then Ricky was thrown the ball as well to
buy some wickets. In a completely unusual turn of events, the team started catching everything that came their way
and we finally started making some inroads.
When the last pair was at the crease, they still needed six more runs to make us bat again. This last pair proved to
be their best batsman as they kept going and going and going… Everyone was given a bowl and no one looked like
getting them out. That’s when skipper Nirav decided it was once again time for him to show how it was done…
He finally removed the last pair with another peach of a delivery. Only problem was that this partnership had put them
22 runs ahead of us and there was only enough time for 2 overs in the match. This meant we needed 22 runs in 12
balls on a ground that only permitted sixes and singles because the grass was so thick. The equation was simple
– two runs a ball. The opponents had an equally simple equation and were odds on favourite to win as they only
needed 10 wickets and had 12 balls to get them in.
The regular openers were asked to pad up and be ready at # 10 and 11 so they could draw the match in a last wicket
stand. Meanwhile, skipper Nirav took Prasad out to the middle with him with one simple order – swing like mad and
run like mad.
Rav took leg stump guard and then stood two feet outside leg. He tonked the first ball to the boundary, but it only got
as far as mid-off. We managed to get 2 runs out of it. We were on target. The second ball also got tonked and Nirav
then managed to hit one for 4. Prasad hit a skier which was dropped close to the boundary, resulting in two more
being added to the score and at the end of the first over we had 11 runs on the board. On target.
The second over started with Nirav hitting a solid drive in the air for 4. He then clocked the next one for 6 and
the scores were level. The third ball then got hit out of the park in Jayasuriya like fashion. We still had three balls
to spare! Ricky who was umpiring at the time had his finger raised but fortunately no one was paying attention.
All in all, it was definitely a captain’s knock with the bat and a captain’s performance with the ball. Ricky still had his
hand up to be named man of the match. And although the committee struggled between the seven potential man of
the match performers (R Kapoor, N Goradia, D Fonseka, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias, N Dias), the award was given to
Nirav for that incredible performance. Prasad did point out that without his running between the wickets we would
have been about 3 runs short. Ricky also rightly pointed out that without his umpiring effort at the end we would have
been one umpire short. Dilshan who had already left did not have a chance point anything out.
All this controversy aside, it was a match that will not be forgotten easily… it’s the kind of match you would pay good
money to see… Well done, boyz…
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