Final finale…
As we all know it’s not always the best team that wins the grand final at the end of the day. For instance, at the last world cup finals, Sri Lanka lost to Australia in somewhat unfortunate and controversial circumstances.
Thank goodness that was not the case last weekend! The controversy was there at the end when we were awarded the match and then asked to take the field again. We were also taken off the field the previous day to avoid a storm that was in New Zealand and heading our way… but in the end … Hold on, let’s rewind the clock to the beginning before discussing the end.
During the break between the semi finals and the finals, a couple of the senior members of the team that have been acting as the brains trust came up with a rather unique strategy to win the finals.
Problem was that these senior members were so senior and shared only about half a brain cell between them that none of them could remember what was discussed, who was at the meeting and what the agreed strategy was.
However some investigative reporting and guess work from the usual highly unreliable sources revealed the following plan. Also a document titled “BHCC finals strategy” was leaked and analysed carefully. Without naming names, suffice it to say that not one cohesive sentence was found on the back of that napkin that had a lot of Arabic scriptures and funny faces.
In essence, it was deciphered that the strategy that would be followed was for us to loose the toss and let the opposition take full charge of the match. Then lull them into believing that they can win the match easily before allowing them to then find a way to lose the match at the 11th hour.
This strategy was devised after the semi finals where the skipper lost the toss and the openers immediately got out. It was believed this was good for the team because it got all the guys who did not have a chance to contribute anything all season to finally do so – which was pretty much everybody.
So the skipper did his part – the toss was tossed and as usual we lost. Amazingly the opponents asked us to bat, as was the case in the semis. The openers were asked to once again throw their wickets and stick to the plan.
But Las was not willing to throw his wicket saying his mum would come to watch and he had told her that he was the mainstay of the team and needed to back this up. So the other opener had to sacrifice his wicket for the team. He did so by running himself out. To make it look like he was not throwing the game, he actually took a bottle of water out with him when he went to bat and asked the umpire to hold it. It looked like he was planning a long innings but we all knew better. The umpire kindly handed him the bottle on the way back. All part of the plan.
Prasad who was well aware of the team tactic was already at the crease before the batsman had even had a chance to pick up his water bottle from the umpire.
We had the opponents exactly where we wanted them – on top. According to the DL revised formula (DLv2.0) which now takes into account team strategy, fitness levels, opposition noise levels and the good looks of the batsman, the opening batsman had done a stellar job. His one run was worth at least 2.
Prasad and Las then stepped into gear and attempted to shut the keeper up. When that failed they summoned the ear plugs that was especially purchased to deal with the opposition strategy of screaming in the batsman’s ears till they went nuts and walked off the field.
Ricky refused to hand over the ear plugs though saying he needed it because he was getting a headache with all the noise.
Eventually Las couldn’t take it any more and he walked off the field in disgust. The plan was working perfectly. The opposition was now well and truly on top and the silverware looked like it was slipping out of our grasp. Charuka and Sacha have been in search of this silverware for six years and they were now considering buying their own trophy as a reward for their perseverance.
This opened the door to Chani. Remember that Chani is the reason we had to move up two levels in the competition. His average was over 60 last year, so the ICC told us that we could not be playing teams like Bangladesh with a player of Chani’s quality on our side. They were worried he would damage a few helmets with his bowling and shatter a few egos with his batting.
The response to this by the senior brains trust was to pull Chani aside at the beginning of the season and tell him to get his average down to something more respectable. And by that they meant an average in the single digits like everyone else in the team.
He obliged. Other than the odd occasion where he couldn’t help himself, he has managed to be a team player and ensured his average was kept to a respectable 1.5. On Saturday, however, we were expecting him to go nuts seeing as this was his last game of the season. But being the trooper that he is, he ran himself out with the help of Prasad who said “yes, no, may be, may be not, definitely no… oh no, xxxx, xxxx” and by the end of that sentence, Chani already had his pads off and was looking for a beer.
Once again Captain NG said “relax boys… all part of the plan” and walked out calmly taking note of the boundary rope on the way out. He was afraid of tripping over it on the way back.
He waisted no time trying to get himself out. Swinging at everything wildly, especially if it was moving. So much so that the umpire started taking a detour when walking between wickets and all low-flying birds got the message out to each other and kept their distance.
Prasad kept his distance too. Before long these two veterans had the scoreboard ticking. Sam was visibly agitated. He had come to enjoy the last weekend of cricket and was being made to work. Being the team man that he has been all season though, he quietly ticked the boxes and acknowledged the umpire’s signals.
Rajitha had at this point woken up from his afternoon nap and was shouting regular instructions to both Prasad and Nirav. He kept shouting “stay there” hoping to get a bit more sleep.
More to come…
Charuka was now padded up and ready to repeat his match winning semi-final performance. We still had only a few runs on the board however as the grass was really thick and senior men out in the middle believed that the only runs out there were the occasional single and regular six.
Finally Prasad who had made about 28 decided to hit himself a single which almost went for a six but because he only wanted a single he tried to keep it in the ground and was caught on the boundary. This meant it was time for Charuka to bring it on.
Charuka went out and patiently took his time with some immaculate forward defensive shots that had the openers taking notes. Then on the last ball of one over Charuka managed to get himself out – caught on the boundary. Charuka made his way back shaking his head profusely. In the post-mortem Charuka was asked to explain what happened and his response was “I don’t know what happened. I went to hit a defensive shot and the next thing I knew was the ball was flying to the boundary.”
The openers were now interrogating Charuka on how to play this shot. He noted that this was known as an offensive defense shot that very few batsmen in the world had mastered. Only Prasad seemed to know what Charuka was talking about because he got out to the same type of shot.. Ricky claimed that he was a master of that shot and one of these seasons he would show us.
Meanwhile Las quickly grabbed his bat and started practicing the shot in preparation for next season. Ndias was then seen giving Charuka some coaching on a shot he had mastered and had served him well over the years – how to swing like mad and miss everything while acting like you meant to do it.
The cat was now amongst the pigeons. Ricky was smiling from ear to ear because he had been promoted to number 10 and it looked like his chance to bat was only moments away.
Rajitha made his way out to join Rav after waking up, yawing, stretching and then getting his pads on. The scoreboard read 5 down for not a hell of a lot. The blame for the low score was put solely on Sam who was responsible for all matters related to the score.
Rajitha and Rav then decided to see how many times they could clear the boundary. Rajitha started knocking a few balls out of the ground to ensure he got a few runs before he ran himself out.
Then Captain NG tried to hit one out of the ground after the opponents got him a bit irritated with the constant nagging. Unfortunately the only thing that ended up exiting the ground was Rav after his six fell short of the boundary by only about 100m or so. The team strategy was now almost complete. The opposition were confident of winning the match easily. It looked like it could be all over on Saturday, giving everyone a well earned Sunday off.
Aiyesh, however, had other ideas. He had rolled up his sleaves and lined up boundaries. Throughout the season, he had provided us a few good memorable innings, so were looking forward to him taking charge again. It didn’t take him long to make his way back to the pavilion without troubling his good friend Sam. No one, including himself, is quite sure about what other ideas he had. He has been invited to join the brains trust.
Dilshan was then given the baton. He put it down and too his bat out instead. The boys were preparing themselves for some fireworks. A couple of overs later he confessed that he had forgotten the matches and there would be no fireworks. He made his way back.
The opposition was holding all their catches which was we were confident was against the rules. Prasad started looking through the rule book to identify the rule that outlawed this type of fielding. Meanwhile the opposition had handed the ball to a bowler that was ripping them through and had our batsmen scratching their heads.
This prompted an inquiry into who the bowler was. One of the guys though he had represented Pakistan but Atif was not there to confirm or deny this fact. Sacha was summoned to take pictures of the bowler so that he could be identified in a line up and we would be able to claim victory on grounds that this bowler was just too good for us. Sacha obliged. He did however grumble that he had to delete a few of his nude photographs on his camera to make room for these pictures.
Dilshan's exit had Ricky jumping up and down. He finally got his long awaited chance to show off all his strokes he has been talking about all season. He was cheered out onto the ground. Actually the guys were pointing the way to the middle because Ricky hadn't seen the middle in some time and didn't quite remember what it looked like.
He asked the umpire for off-stump guard and the umpire asked him if he was serious. He asked the umpire if he looked like a joker. Rajitha confirmed he was serious. The ump obliged. Ricky then settled in for a long innings with some solid defensive shots. It was one of his longer innings of the season. It took him about six balls to get wrapped on his pads and be judged lbw. He was dumbfounded. He told the umpire the ball was going down leg.
The umpire agreed that down leg to an off stump guard meant it would take out middle. Ricky responded by saying it was clearly going over middle. The umpire agreed to this as well and said it was definitely going over his middle toe and would have taken the middle of middle. Ricky was unimpressed and gave him the middle finger salute. He said he would be taking up his case with the ICC and was confident of having the umpire moved to a lower grade, which means Ricky might get a chance of meeting this umpire again next season.
Sam then decided it was up to him to get us to a defendable score. So he stayed there while the runs were all scored on the other end by Rajitha. Rajitha was on heat at this stage and was heard shouting at himself to stay there, crease his bat and don't be silly.
Finally Rajitha too got himself out to a defensive shot that ended in the hands of a boundary fielder. We were all out for 99 runs, which meant the opposition had to get exactly 100 to win.
We had about an hour left in the day and thought that the opposition might be able to wrap it up that evening, giving us the next day off.
We took the field quickly and handed the ball to Chani and Sacha. One of the first overs got hit for 10 runs – a six and two twos. Things were looking good for a quick finish.
More to come…
To help finish the match quickly the senior brains trust considered handing the ball to Rickster. But since Chani was doing such a good job of getting thrashed, the skipper decided not to mess with the plan that was working.
Then Sacha ripped the off stump out of the other opener who tried to make a statement by hitting a six to get off the mark. Sacha was the only one who made the statement – as he always does, without a fuss. He was on fire once again. Whatever was burning the rear end of his pants in the semifinals was obviously still simmering.
Chani decided to… well, it's not quite clear what he decided, but he very quickly got a ball through the batsman who was looking like finishing the game pretty swiftly. This got everyone pumped.
The opposition then sent in the night watchman to see the day through. This mean there was no chance of having a Sunday off, which got everyone irritated. The guys decided if we were not going to have Sunday off, we better make it a miserable Sunday for the opposition. We got on the hunt for another wicket.
Then the umpire remembered that he had a Saturday drinking session with his bowling club members and called it a day after pointing at clouds hovering over New Zealand. He said he did not want to be responsible for any of us being struck by lightning. The batsman were offered the lightning and they grabbed it and walked off.
This really irritated Sam because it meant he was going to have to wait an hour for his wife to come and pick him up and with lightning in the area, he was a bit concerned about getting a free perm.
The rest of the boyz went home while it is understood that Rajitha and Charuka went dancing… There was talk about the senior brains trust having a late night meeting to discuss strategy for the following day, but by the time they got home they had forgotten about the meeting…
Dilshan went home and complained to his wife that she had forgotten to pack his matches and claimed his poor performance was all her fault. She then found the matches and alighted the fuse and well… there were fireworks…
More to come…
Those fireworks in Dilshan’s house got him a bit disoriented. He sent out an sms to the whole team asking everyone to come to the grounds one hour later than the start time to ensure we were ready for day light savings one week before the event.
Rumour has it that Dilshan was offered a bribe by his Kenyan neighbors to get the guys to come late to the grounds so they could claim a forfeit. These serious allegations are being investigated by BHCC, ICC, CHCI, ICAC, CNG and WHOTHEHELLCARES. Dilshan has vehemently denied all allegations and claims no allegiance to his African brothers, no knowledge of any sms or much else for that matter. In fact, he claims that he has yet to figure out how to use the sms feature on his phone and it could have been his son that accidentally sent the message out. The team is supporting him fully and one of the guys did notice the handwriting and grammar was rather immature – like that of a two year old. It could have well been an sms from Warne.
Regardless of the sms scandal, we all turned up at the grounds early – 5 minutes before start of play to get some dropping practice.
Everyone showed up with good supporting casts – Rav brought his father along for a bit of calm guidance; Charuka’s wife, mum, psychologist and trainer showed up; Las’ mum was there; Dilshan brought along his better half and a replacement fielder just in case his big toe started hurting again; Prasad’s wife and kids made an appearance on Sat, saw how poorly he played and decided not to come ever again; Aiyesh showed up; Nuwan et al came to have a good laugh at us; Sacha’s father came to help carry all his camera equipment around the grounds; Chani showed up with wife and coach; Ricky’s fan club showed up after he fooled them into believing they were going to a BBQ and pool party – he was careful to bring them on Sun when all they would get to see was him drop a few catches at best.
Rajitha’s fan club hadn’t arrived yet so decided to call them and find out where the bus full of fans were. He then realised he couldn’t remember his home number or his wife’s name, so he gave up. Ndias asked his wife to drive him to the grounds to trick her into showing up – she told him to bugger off … he did…
After dropping all our practice catches, we were ready to take the field. The plan was simple. Get 8 wickets. No one really cared how we got them as long as we got them before they scored another 90 runs. Ricky asked for the ball as he had told his fan club that he was the main strike bowler. The skipper told him there were plenty of balls in the team kit that he could have after the match.
More to come…
News FLASH. One of our unconfirmed and unreliable sources believes they have identified the unidentified fast bowler the opposition used as a secret weapon. We sent Sacha's picture to Interpol and also to a contact of ours that has connections in Pakistan.
Our source tells us that this bowler is actually D Shaoib Phaktor, a distant relation of Shaoib D Aktor. Like his cousin this bowler used to play cricket in Pakistan at a high level (somewhere up in hills) until he was banned from playing for doing nothing wrong.
Anyway who cares about him let's get back to us.
On Sunday, when everyone took the field with enthusiasm, the guys realised that Rajitha was fast asleep in his chair, so he was carried out to his position in slips. The skipper called a team huddle during which Baner's absence was noted and Ricky's presence was felt as he grabbed the left cheek of one of the guys. Baner, who has been an integral part of getting us to the finals, was unable to take part due to other commitments that included taking his Honda lawn mover out for a spin.
Baner was responsible for recruiting about half the guys in the side and was quick to offer his spot to one of the younger players when Nirav for the first time all season was bombarded with phone calls telling him that every player was available and wanted to play in the finals. Amazingly, no one pulled out last minute, which has prompted a change in strategy for next season where every game is going to be a grand final.
The skipper opened the bowling this morning with Chani on the other end. The batsmen looked like they were settling in until Chani devised a very cunning plan. He placed a fielder right in front of the batsman so that any shot would deflect off this fielder and then hopefully another fielder would catch it.
It was a great plan for everyone but the poor bastard asked to stand in front of the bat. It did, however, work. The batsman leaned in for a drive and the silly fielder standing there closed his eyes and said his prayers. Remembering what had happened to Dilshan earlier in the season, the fielder’s immediate reaction was to cover the crown jewels.
The next thing he knew was he was surrounded by all the fielders who were patting him on the back congratulating for taking a catch. He had no idea what they were talking about but decided to bask in the glory as this was not something he experienced much.
Chani took full credit for the wicket.
The next man came in and started going for his shots. The batsmen were beginning to look a bit dangerous. Then the partnership got broken when they decided to try running between the wickets like we did – kamikaze style. The ball was thrown into Charuka who stood there watching the grass grow as it took for ever to get in… he then whipped the bails off and it was all over red rover…
This resulted in Younis Khan coming into bat and he settled in. We then got the other batsman out as he tried hit a six and sent the ball up towards Las who ran circles under the ball before deciding to catch it. He practiced this routine before the match and carried it out perfectly.
That’s when all the fun started because the wicket keeper made his way to the crease. All of a sudden the grounds turned into a fish market… on one side of the batsman one of the fielders was selling some fishy deals at the top of his voice while on the other side there was some Greek philosophy being recited by Ayesh and Rickster… We even thought about offering the garden ear gear to the batsman out of sympathy. The umpire stepped in and asked for a bit of quiet after he couldn’t hear himself count.
One of the fielders was shouting so loud that he gave himself a headache and had to walk off and get an aspirin. The plan did eventually work when the batsman couldn’t take it anymore and gifted a catch to Ricky and walked off… Everyone was shouting for Ricky to run the batsman out as they were not expecting him to catch it. But he caught it and acted like he meant it… Nobody questioned him.
Batting pretty much stopped from that point on and there was nothing but defensive shots. Finally the umpire got fed up and started raising his finger at everything. Nirav once even caughed and had it result in the umpire raising his finger. Things were looking good. But then one of the remaining batsman decided to have a dash to the finish line. They only needed about 30 runs.
Dilshan was seen on his hands and knees praying for the last two wickets. As they inched closer to the finish line, another wicket fell but they only needed a little over 20 runs. Rajitha was given the ball and asked to be selfish. We told him that he didn’t have to feel bad about hogging all the wickets like he did in one match where he took 7 wickets. He said he didn’t feel good about that and asked Nirav and Sacha to also take a few…
Chani had meanwhile walked off the field to get his afternoon nap saying it was too hot to bowl and that his right leg was hurting… however when he was walking off the field he was holding his left leg and we all assumed it had to do with the fact that he was right-handed or something like that… He had been off the field for so long that the umpire said he would only be able to bowl in the grand finals of next season… so we told him to enjoy his nap instead.
With the last two batsmen at the crease, it was do or die for them. Rajitha tossed up a lolly pop and then watched it sail out of the neighbourhood. Dilshan had broken into a cold sweat. Rajitha believed the batsman had used all his strength hitting that 6 that was actually worthy of 12 considering how far it went. So he tossed the ball up again… Dilshan was heard crying at this stage…
The batsman took a huge swing and sent the ball straight up because it came so slow. Ricky immediately claimed the catch although it was about 100 ft in the air. A few of the guys were seen running towards Ricky to tackle him so he didn’t attempt the catch. Rajitha also told him to stop being silly and got under the catch. He managed to hold on to it and there was chaos as the victory celebrations started with Ricky pulling a stump out of the ground and claiming it…
Dilshan still had his eyes closed and was told he could now open them. The umpire awarded to match to us and everyone eventually walked off the field and shook hands with the other guys…
But Younis Khan, in typical sub-continental fashion walked out and had a long chat with the umpire. The umpire then called us back and told us we had to bat again as the opposition had convinced him that they would bowl us out for less than 15 runs in an hour and have an hour to get the required 35 runs.
Dilshan was once again on his hands and knees. He was heard asking what it takes to win a grand final. Just like the world cup where
As we all know it’s not always the best team that wins the grand final at the end of the day. For instance, at the last world cup finals, Sri Lanka lost to Australia in somewhat unfortunate and controversial circumstances.
Thank goodness that was not the case last weekend! The controversy was there at the end when we were awarded the match and then asked to take the field again. We were also taken off the field the previous day to avoid a storm that was in New Zealand and heading our way… but in the end … Hold on, let’s rewind the clock to the beginning before discussing the end.
During the break between the semi finals and the finals, a couple of the senior members of the team that have been acting as the brains trust came up with a rather unique strategy to win the finals.
Problem was that these senior members were so senior and shared only about half a brain cell between them that none of them could remember what was discussed, who was at the meeting and what the agreed strategy was.
However some investigative reporting and guess work from the usual highly unreliable sources revealed the following plan. Also a document titled “BHCC finals strategy” was leaked and analysed carefully. Without naming names, suffice it to say that not one cohesive sentence was found on the back of that napkin that had a lot of Arabic scriptures and funny faces.
In essence, it was deciphered that the strategy that would be followed was for us to loose the toss and let the opposition take full charge of the match. Then lull them into believing that they can win the match easily before allowing them to then find a way to lose the match at the 11th hour.
This strategy was devised after the semi finals where the skipper lost the toss and the openers immediately got out. It was believed this was good for the team because it got all the guys who did not have a chance to contribute anything all season to finally do so – which was pretty much everybody.
So the skipper did his part – the toss was tossed and as usual we lost. Amazingly the opponents asked us to bat, as was the case in the semis. The openers were asked to once again throw their wickets and stick to the plan.
But Las was not willing to throw his wicket saying his mum would come to watch and he had told her that he was the mainstay of the team and needed to back this up. So the other opener had to sacrifice his wicket for the team. He did so by running himself out. To make it look like he was not throwing the game, he actually took a bottle of water out with him when he went to bat and asked the umpire to hold it. It looked like he was planning a long innings but we all knew better. The umpire kindly handed him the bottle on the way back. All part of the plan.
Prasad who was well aware of the team tactic was already at the crease before the batsman had even had a chance to pick up his water bottle from the umpire.
We had the opponents exactly where we wanted them – on top. According to the DL revised formula (DLv2.0) which now takes into account team strategy, fitness levels, opposition noise levels and the good looks of the batsman, the opening batsman had done a stellar job. His one run was worth at least 2.
Prasad and Las then stepped into gear and attempted to shut the keeper up. When that failed they summoned the ear plugs that was especially purchased to deal with the opposition strategy of screaming in the batsman’s ears till they went nuts and walked off the field.
Ricky refused to hand over the ear plugs though saying he needed it because he was getting a headache with all the noise.
Eventually Las couldn’t take it any more and he walked off the field in disgust. The plan was working perfectly. The opposition was now well and truly on top and the silverware looked like it was slipping out of our grasp. Charuka and Sacha have been in search of this silverware for six years and they were now considering buying their own trophy as a reward for their perseverance.
This opened the door to Chani. Remember that Chani is the reason we had to move up two levels in the competition. His average was over 60 last year, so the ICC told us that we could not be playing teams like Bangladesh with a player of Chani’s quality on our side. They were worried he would damage a few helmets with his bowling and shatter a few egos with his batting.
The response to this by the senior brains trust was to pull Chani aside at the beginning of the season and tell him to get his average down to something more respectable. And by that they meant an average in the single digits like everyone else in the team.
He obliged. Other than the odd occasion where he couldn’t help himself, he has managed to be a team player and ensured his average was kept to a respectable 1.5. On Saturday, however, we were expecting him to go nuts seeing as this was his last game of the season. But being the trooper that he is, he ran himself out with the help of Prasad who said “yes, no, may be, may be not, definitely no… oh no, xxxx, xxxx” and by the end of that sentence, Chani already had his pads off and was looking for a beer.
Once again Captain NG said “relax boys… all part of the plan” and walked out calmly taking note of the boundary rope on the way out. He was afraid of tripping over it on the way back.
He waisted no time trying to get himself out. Swinging at everything wildly, especially if it was moving. So much so that the umpire started taking a detour when walking between wickets and all low-flying birds got the message out to each other and kept their distance.
Prasad kept his distance too. Before long these two veterans had the scoreboard ticking. Sam was visibly agitated. He had come to enjoy the last weekend of cricket and was being made to work. Being the team man that he has been all season though, he quietly ticked the boxes and acknowledged the umpire’s signals.
Rajitha had at this point woken up from his afternoon nap and was shouting regular instructions to both Prasad and Nirav. He kept shouting “stay there” hoping to get a bit more sleep.
More to come…
Charuka was now padded up and ready to repeat his match winning semi-final performance. We still had only a few runs on the board however as the grass was really thick and senior men out in the middle believed that the only runs out there were the occasional single and regular six.
Finally Prasad who had made about 28 decided to hit himself a single which almost went for a six but because he only wanted a single he tried to keep it in the ground and was caught on the boundary. This meant it was time for Charuka to bring it on.
Charuka went out and patiently took his time with some immaculate forward defensive shots that had the openers taking notes. Then on the last ball of one over Charuka managed to get himself out – caught on the boundary. Charuka made his way back shaking his head profusely. In the post-mortem Charuka was asked to explain what happened and his response was “I don’t know what happened. I went to hit a defensive shot and the next thing I knew was the ball was flying to the boundary.”
The openers were now interrogating Charuka on how to play this shot. He noted that this was known as an offensive defense shot that very few batsmen in the world had mastered. Only Prasad seemed to know what Charuka was talking about because he got out to the same type of shot.. Ricky claimed that he was a master of that shot and one of these seasons he would show us.
Meanwhile Las quickly grabbed his bat and started practicing the shot in preparation for next season. Ndias was then seen giving Charuka some coaching on a shot he had mastered and had served him well over the years – how to swing like mad and miss everything while acting like you meant to do it.
The cat was now amongst the pigeons. Ricky was smiling from ear to ear because he had been promoted to number 10 and it looked like his chance to bat was only moments away.
Rajitha made his way out to join Rav after waking up, yawing, stretching and then getting his pads on. The scoreboard read 5 down for not a hell of a lot. The blame for the low score was put solely on Sam who was responsible for all matters related to the score.
Rajitha and Rav then decided to see how many times they could clear the boundary. Rajitha started knocking a few balls out of the ground to ensure he got a few runs before he ran himself out.
Then Captain NG tried to hit one out of the ground after the opponents got him a bit irritated with the constant nagging. Unfortunately the only thing that ended up exiting the ground was Rav after his six fell short of the boundary by only about 100m or so. The team strategy was now almost complete. The opposition were confident of winning the match easily. It looked like it could be all over on Saturday, giving everyone a well earned Sunday off.
Aiyesh, however, had other ideas. He had rolled up his sleaves and lined up boundaries. Throughout the season, he had provided us a few good memorable innings, so were looking forward to him taking charge again. It didn’t take him long to make his way back to the pavilion without troubling his good friend Sam. No one, including himself, is quite sure about what other ideas he had. He has been invited to join the brains trust.
Dilshan was then given the baton. He put it down and too his bat out instead. The boys were preparing themselves for some fireworks. A couple of overs later he confessed that he had forgotten the matches and there would be no fireworks. He made his way back.
The opposition was holding all their catches which was we were confident was against the rules. Prasad started looking through the rule book to identify the rule that outlawed this type of fielding. Meanwhile the opposition had handed the ball to a bowler that was ripping them through and had our batsmen scratching their heads.
This prompted an inquiry into who the bowler was. One of the guys though he had represented Pakistan but Atif was not there to confirm or deny this fact. Sacha was summoned to take pictures of the bowler so that he could be identified in a line up and we would be able to claim victory on grounds that this bowler was just too good for us. Sacha obliged. He did however grumble that he had to delete a few of his nude photographs on his camera to make room for these pictures.
Dilshan's exit had Ricky jumping up and down. He finally got his long awaited chance to show off all his strokes he has been talking about all season. He was cheered out onto the ground. Actually the guys were pointing the way to the middle because Ricky hadn't seen the middle in some time and didn't quite remember what it looked like.
He asked the umpire for off-stump guard and the umpire asked him if he was serious. He asked the umpire if he looked like a joker. Rajitha confirmed he was serious. The ump obliged. Ricky then settled in for a long innings with some solid defensive shots. It was one of his longer innings of the season. It took him about six balls to get wrapped on his pads and be judged lbw. He was dumbfounded. He told the umpire the ball was going down leg.
The umpire agreed that down leg to an off stump guard meant it would take out middle. Ricky responded by saying it was clearly going over middle. The umpire agreed to this as well and said it was definitely going over his middle toe and would have taken the middle of middle. Ricky was unimpressed and gave him the middle finger salute. He said he would be taking up his case with the ICC and was confident of having the umpire moved to a lower grade, which means Ricky might get a chance of meeting this umpire again next season.
Sam then decided it was up to him to get us to a defendable score. So he stayed there while the runs were all scored on the other end by Rajitha. Rajitha was on heat at this stage and was heard shouting at himself to stay there, crease his bat and don't be silly.
Finally Rajitha too got himself out to a defensive shot that ended in the hands of a boundary fielder. We were all out for 99 runs, which meant the opposition had to get exactly 100 to win.
We had about an hour left in the day and thought that the opposition might be able to wrap it up that evening, giving us the next day off.
We took the field quickly and handed the ball to Chani and Sacha. One of the first overs got hit for 10 runs – a six and two twos. Things were looking good for a quick finish.
More to come…
To help finish the match quickly the senior brains trust considered handing the ball to Rickster. But since Chani was doing such a good job of getting thrashed, the skipper decided not to mess with the plan that was working.
Then Sacha ripped the off stump out of the other opener who tried to make a statement by hitting a six to get off the mark. Sacha was the only one who made the statement – as he always does, without a fuss. He was on fire once again. Whatever was burning the rear end of his pants in the semifinals was obviously still simmering.
Chani decided to… well, it's not quite clear what he decided, but he very quickly got a ball through the batsman who was looking like finishing the game pretty swiftly. This got everyone pumped.
The opposition then sent in the night watchman to see the day through. This mean there was no chance of having a Sunday off, which got everyone irritated. The guys decided if we were not going to have Sunday off, we better make it a miserable Sunday for the opposition. We got on the hunt for another wicket.
Then the umpire remembered that he had a Saturday drinking session with his bowling club members and called it a day after pointing at clouds hovering over New Zealand. He said he did not want to be responsible for any of us being struck by lightning. The batsman were offered the lightning and they grabbed it and walked off.
This really irritated Sam because it meant he was going to have to wait an hour for his wife to come and pick him up and with lightning in the area, he was a bit concerned about getting a free perm.
The rest of the boyz went home while it is understood that Rajitha and Charuka went dancing… There was talk about the senior brains trust having a late night meeting to discuss strategy for the following day, but by the time they got home they had forgotten about the meeting…
Dilshan went home and complained to his wife that she had forgotten to pack his matches and claimed his poor performance was all her fault. She then found the matches and alighted the fuse and well… there were fireworks…
More to come…
Those fireworks in Dilshan’s house got him a bit disoriented. He sent out an sms to the whole team asking everyone to come to the grounds one hour later than the start time to ensure we were ready for day light savings one week before the event.
Rumour has it that Dilshan was offered a bribe by his Kenyan neighbors to get the guys to come late to the grounds so they could claim a forfeit. These serious allegations are being investigated by BHCC, ICC, CHCI, ICAC, CNG and WHOTHEHELLCARES. Dilshan has vehemently denied all allegations and claims no allegiance to his African brothers, no knowledge of any sms or much else for that matter. In fact, he claims that he has yet to figure out how to use the sms feature on his phone and it could have been his son that accidentally sent the message out. The team is supporting him fully and one of the guys did notice the handwriting and grammar was rather immature – like that of a two year old. It could have well been an sms from Warne.
Regardless of the sms scandal, we all turned up at the grounds early – 5 minutes before start of play to get some dropping practice.
Everyone showed up with good supporting casts – Rav brought his father along for a bit of calm guidance; Charuka’s wife, mum, psychologist and trainer showed up; Las’ mum was there; Dilshan brought along his better half and a replacement fielder just in case his big toe started hurting again; Prasad’s wife and kids made an appearance on Sat, saw how poorly he played and decided not to come ever again; Aiyesh showed up; Nuwan et al came to have a good laugh at us; Sacha’s father came to help carry all his camera equipment around the grounds; Chani showed up with wife and coach; Ricky’s fan club showed up after he fooled them into believing they were going to a BBQ and pool party – he was careful to bring them on Sun when all they would get to see was him drop a few catches at best.
Rajitha’s fan club hadn’t arrived yet so decided to call them and find out where the bus full of fans were. He then realised he couldn’t remember his home number or his wife’s name, so he gave up. Ndias asked his wife to drive him to the grounds to trick her into showing up – she told him to bugger off … he did…
After dropping all our practice catches, we were ready to take the field. The plan was simple. Get 8 wickets. No one really cared how we got them as long as we got them before they scored another 90 runs. Ricky asked for the ball as he had told his fan club that he was the main strike bowler. The skipper told him there were plenty of balls in the team kit that he could have after the match.
More to come…
News FLASH. One of our unconfirmed and unreliable sources believes they have identified the unidentified fast bowler the opposition used as a secret weapon. We sent Sacha's picture to Interpol and also to a contact of ours that has connections in Pakistan.
Our source tells us that this bowler is actually D Shaoib Phaktor, a distant relation of Shaoib D Aktor. Like his cousin this bowler used to play cricket in Pakistan at a high level (somewhere up in hills) until he was banned from playing for doing nothing wrong.
Anyway who cares about him let's get back to us.
On Sunday, when everyone took the field with enthusiasm, the guys realised that Rajitha was fast asleep in his chair, so he was carried out to his position in slips. The skipper called a team huddle during which Baner's absence was noted and Ricky's presence was felt as he grabbed the left cheek of one of the guys. Baner, who has been an integral part of getting us to the finals, was unable to take part due to other commitments that included taking his Honda lawn mover out for a spin.
Baner was responsible for recruiting about half the guys in the side and was quick to offer his spot to one of the younger players when Nirav for the first time all season was bombarded with phone calls telling him that every player was available and wanted to play in the finals. Amazingly, no one pulled out last minute, which has prompted a change in strategy for next season where every game is going to be a grand final.
The skipper opened the bowling this morning with Chani on the other end. The batsmen looked like they were settling in until Chani devised a very cunning plan. He placed a fielder right in front of the batsman so that any shot would deflect off this fielder and then hopefully another fielder would catch it.
It was a great plan for everyone but the poor bastard asked to stand in front of the bat. It did, however, work. The batsman leaned in for a drive and the silly fielder standing there closed his eyes and said his prayers. Remembering what had happened to Dilshan earlier in the season, the fielder’s immediate reaction was to cover the crown jewels.
The next thing he knew was he was surrounded by all the fielders who were patting him on the back congratulating for taking a catch. He had no idea what they were talking about but decided to bask in the glory as this was not something he experienced much.
Chani took full credit for the wicket.
The next man came in and started going for his shots. The batsmen were beginning to look a bit dangerous. Then the partnership got broken when they decided to try running between the wickets like we did – kamikaze style. The ball was thrown into Charuka who stood there watching the grass grow as it took for ever to get in… he then whipped the bails off and it was all over red rover…
This resulted in Younis Khan coming into bat and he settled in. We then got the other batsman out as he tried hit a six and sent the ball up towards Las who ran circles under the ball before deciding to catch it. He practiced this routine before the match and carried it out perfectly.
That’s when all the fun started because the wicket keeper made his way to the crease. All of a sudden the grounds turned into a fish market… on one side of the batsman one of the fielders was selling some fishy deals at the top of his voice while on the other side there was some Greek philosophy being recited by Ayesh and Rickster… We even thought about offering the garden ear gear to the batsman out of sympathy. The umpire stepped in and asked for a bit of quiet after he couldn’t hear himself count.
One of the fielders was shouting so loud that he gave himself a headache and had to walk off and get an aspirin. The plan did eventually work when the batsman couldn’t take it anymore and gifted a catch to Ricky and walked off… Everyone was shouting for Ricky to run the batsman out as they were not expecting him to catch it. But he caught it and acted like he meant it… Nobody questioned him.
Batting pretty much stopped from that point on and there was nothing but defensive shots. Finally the umpire got fed up and started raising his finger at everything. Nirav once even caughed and had it result in the umpire raising his finger. Things were looking good. But then one of the remaining batsman decided to have a dash to the finish line. They only needed about 30 runs.
Dilshan was seen on his hands and knees praying for the last two wickets. As they inched closer to the finish line, another wicket fell but they only needed a little over 20 runs. Rajitha was given the ball and asked to be selfish. We told him that he didn’t have to feel bad about hogging all the wickets like he did in one match where he took 7 wickets. He said he didn’t feel good about that and asked Nirav and Sacha to also take a few…
Chani had meanwhile walked off the field to get his afternoon nap saying it was too hot to bowl and that his right leg was hurting… however when he was walking off the field he was holding his left leg and we all assumed it had to do with the fact that he was right-handed or something like that… He had been off the field for so long that the umpire said he would only be able to bowl in the grand finals of next season… so we told him to enjoy his nap instead.
With the last two batsmen at the crease, it was do or die for them. Rajitha tossed up a lolly pop and then watched it sail out of the neighbourhood. Dilshan had broken into a cold sweat. Rajitha believed the batsman had used all his strength hitting that 6 that was actually worthy of 12 considering how far it went. So he tossed the ball up again… Dilshan was heard crying at this stage…
The batsman took a huge swing and sent the ball straight up because it came so slow. Ricky immediately claimed the catch although it was about 100 ft in the air. A few of the guys were seen running towards Ricky to tackle him so he didn’t attempt the catch. Rajitha also told him to stop being silly and got under the catch. He managed to hold on to it and there was chaos as the victory celebrations started with Ricky pulling a stump out of the ground and claiming it…
Dilshan still had his eyes closed and was told he could now open them. The umpire awarded to match to us and everyone eventually walked off the field and shook hands with the other guys…
But Younis Khan, in typical sub-continental fashion walked out and had a long chat with the umpire. The umpire then called us back and told us we had to bat again as the opposition had convinced him that they would bowl us out for less than 15 runs in an hour and have an hour to get the required 35 runs.
Dilshan was once again on his hands and knees. He was heard asking what it takes to win a grand final. Just like the world cup where
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