6 Feb 08

Legal disclaimer – Just to be clear, all information and statements made in this column were gathered first, second and third hand through very highly unreliable sources. All these unreliable sources, except for Ricky, have requested anonymity. As such, all statements, no matter how true can not be used against the author of the column. All responsibility and liability lies with the readers of the column and by reading this article you agree to all of the above.


Legal disclaimer 2 – The use of the word “monkey” in this article should be replaced by Teera Maaki by anyone who takes offence to the term. And for those who take offence to Teera Maaki, this term should be replaced by Pissu Pora. Let it be known, the term monkey was used widely in the first version of this article and has been edited out by the legal department to avoid a Tribunal hearing. If the legals have somehow missed a few usages of the term, they take no responsibility for their failures.

Editor’s note: Sorry about that folks, but the legals in the office demanded that the disclaimers be included to avoid the hassles most reputable publications face when they reveal dirt on superstars…

Right then, let’s talk cricket…

It was a week of the usual – Atif getting his balls back to full pace after finally servicing his car, Prasad mastering th art of catching with his stomach, Baner developing his hand eye coordination with hammer and nail on his new house and Ricky developing his hand eye coordination with the latest centrefold.

Other noteworthy news was that Charuka came out of one of the shortest retirements in history of the game. He didn’t even miss a practice session. Story is Charuka had the team kit in the back of his car and after he announced his retirement Nirav called him up to ask if he could drop the kit off at the grounds. Charuka mistook this call as an invitation to come out of retirement and showed up in his whites. Fortunately for all concerned Eddie had still to return from his trip to no where special, so there was a spot right up at the top of the batting order.

Everyone was eager to get back on the field after being forced to stay indoors for so long. Saturday finally rolled around. But it was not your ordinary Saturday. It started with nobody believing they would get a game with most players worried about being swept away by flash floods. Ricky was busy fielding calls by team members asking if it was raining at the grounds. He shouted back at every caller that he was not running some Bangalore call centre dedicated to Masonic Park weather reports – he did add, however, that if anyone was interested in buying a few dodgy pirated movies, he had some new releases. He even managed to put on a pretty good fake Aussie accent and answered the phone as “James”.

He did say the sun was shining brightly in Baulkham Hills but nobody believed him. Surprisingly he was right –
Masonic Park was like the twilight zone.

Unlike our usual starts to the day, everyone showed up on time – probably because everyone was convinced there would be no game. There were no frantic phone calls and last minute recruitments of warm bodies. Nirav didn’t have to use his usual tactic of looking out for any dark skinned dodgy character that walked by the ground and then throwing a ball at them to see if they caught it. If they dropped it Nirav would recruit them to the side… This time with Charuka’s unexpected arrival we had a full side. What’s more, everyone was pumped.

Little did we realise that opponents who were dressed in whites were in fact escapees from the local zoo – this was to become apparent later in the day.

After Nirav did his usual tactic of losing the toss, we were put into bat. Ricky, upon seeing his name on the team sheet at No 8, promptly padded up and ordered a few throw downs. He was confident he would be batting in the third over of the day.

Prasad finally decided to open the batting officially after doing it unofficially for so long and after the last match where he didn’t get to bat. Sam immediately reached for the counter but was handed a pen and the scorebook and ordered to sit down. Sam was now a master at scoring and threatened to even bring his own pencil next week.

One-down batsman Lasith was forced to delay his walk out to the middle when the monkeys on field were dropping

all the catches the batsmen were struggling to give them. It didn’t look like the fielding side was capable of catching a cold. The batsmen were also having trouble playing and Ricky threatened to bring out a piano to see if they could play that.

Prasad who suddenly thought his last name was Jayasuriya started swinging at everything – so much so that the other batsman refused to get close to him when running between wickets and even between overs. Even the flies kept their distance. Turns out he had somewhere else to be and decided he needed to make his century as quickly as possible.


When the boys on the sidelines clapped Ricky for finishing a great session of throw-downs, Prasad mistook that as being clapped for getting his hundred. He put his bat up and took a bow and then proceeded to throw his wicket. He offered another simple catch to covers but the fielder was not interested. Prasad was more furious than the opposing captain. He solved the problem by making sure the next ball took his stumps out. He walked off only to learn he had just missed his century. He was one zero short of a century. He blames Ricky and is drafting up a defense. He has requested the template from Charuka.

Charuka is in the middle of drafting his own defense. More on that later.

Prasad’s exit resulted in Lasith making his way out to the middle. The scorer, who has requested anonymity, asked his team mates to not trouble him any further. Following orders, Las played a few classic front foot defense shots back foot close shaves before deciding to kick a ball onto his stumps. His defense is that after his last performance, he needs to bring his batting average down to the team average to ensure that he doesn’t lose his spot on the side.

The anonymous scorer was seen shaking Las’ hand, thanking him. This brought star batsman Chani to the crease. He agreed that the weather was not too hot to bat and as such decided to stick around. After the drinks break at the 20 over mark of the day, the other opener decided it was time to get off the mark and attempted to get a run off the bat. He succeeded in lobbing the ball off the bat handle straight to the fielder who took drastic evasive action. The ball, however, managed to lodge itself in the middle of his palms and the entire fielding side erupted in disbelief.

Even our boys couldn’t help but clap – it’s not clear if they were clapping at the shocking catch or out of relief that the batsman was finally put out of his misery.

The opener made the long lonely walk back to the pavilion practicing the hook and cut shots that he threatens to use one day. The scorer shook his hand and thanked him for not being any trouble. Nirav jogged out to the middle putting in a few skips and forward defense practice shots on his way out. By the time he had reached the middle he was so tired he had to order a drink. He had a chat with Chani to ensure that no singles would be taken without careful consideration of the pros and cons. The exception to the rule was that if Nirav started to run, there would be no further debate. Chani nodded.

The agreement was put to the test immediately when Nirav hit a ball straight to a fielder and set off. Chani put his hand up and yelled no, only to see Nirav coming straight at him with bat raised and a look that made it clear it would be a lot less painful to run and make the lonely walk back to the pavilion. Chani ran like his pants were on fire and dived from half way down the pitch. The keeper who wanted to save his legs from amputation gave way to Chani.

Chani finally stopped sliding when he was half way to the boundary. A few cockatoos even made a detour and circled the grounds to witness the carnage. They thought a jumbo jet had made a crash landing.

Nirav then proceeded to clock the bowling to all parts, showing no respect to the bowlers that all the other batsman had shown immense respect for. His cameo was ended, however, when he tried to glide a ball between the keepers right and left glove and only managed to find the middle of both.

This brought Charuka to the centre. Charuka who recruited Michael Clarke’s batting coach last year made a public commitment to defend 20 balls before going for a wild shot. He managed to keep 10% of his word. He launched into the third ball sending it straight to a fielder. Fortunately for him it went to the same fielder that had already dropped about 5 catches and didn’t want to ruin his record. A few balls later Charuka received a ball that only batsmen of Baner’s stature are able to negotiate – it swung to the left, then to the right and back to the left before disappearing into thin air and magically taking off the stumps.

As mentioned earlier Charuka is drafting up his defense and is contemplating a law suit against MRF for making such shoddy bats which leave huge gaping holes between bat and pad. Baner is also contemplating a joint law suit. We are all eager to read their defenses.

At this point the skipper realised it was time go into damage control and gave orders to all remaining batsman to protect star batsman Chani – that is ensure he did not get out. Dilshan came out and carried out a few stretches, while eyeing the trees at cow corner. One particular tree that was flowering caught his eye. However, he decided to follow the umpires orders and agreed to stick to singles early on. He managed to take a single on the last ball of each over to ensure that Chani was protected. He then proceeded to sacrifice his wicket, again to ensure Chani was protected. That tree didn’t get to experience Dilshan’s love.

Ricky and Sam also had a similar experience. Ricky even decided to stay away from the vindaloo on Friday night to ensure no undue sounds were made at inopportune moments. He was tired of all the injustices he has had to endure by shoddy umpiring. In one of his previous defenses he insisted all stump mic recording be reviewed to clear his name. Unfortunately the toxic nature of the remnants of his vindaloo adventures not only destroyed the stump mics but also resulted in damage to the stumps – most of the stumps are a bit wobbly now. On the positive side, it has ensured the keeper moves as far back away from the stumps as possible – taking stumpings out of the equation.

On Saturday, Ricky contributed one of his longer innings of the season. He made it to the third ball before making his way back to the person on the phone that he put on hold before going out to bat. The scorer shook his hand and thanked him. The scorer also congratulated Ricky for not doing any damage to his average.

Sam too appeared to have an appointment to get to. He swung wildly at a good length delivery. It would have been a spectacular shot had he hit the ball instead of the fly that nose dived towards him. He was quite happy that he sent the fly for a six, but unfortunately had to make his way back to resume his scoring duties. As the professional commentators say, there is a very fine line between a brilliant shot and madness – if it connects, it’s brilliance, but if you get out, it’s madness. In Sam’s case, the team reviewed the replays and is giving him the benefit of the doubt and chalks it up to madness.

Meanwhile Chani was still struggling to get strike. We had gone from 60 something for 2 to 90 something for 4 and now 110ish for 8. Atif also insisted on protecting Chani. He managed to slip one through slips and took a single on the last ball. After that single he was convinced we had enough runs on the board and proceeded to declare. He hit a beautiful drive to long on and when the fielder stopped it, he walked off the field. Chani and one of the umpires tried to wrestle him to the ground and carry him back to the batting crease but he gave them the slip as well. The scorer stood up and thanked him.

The skipper made it clear that we had not declared by sending supersub Sunny out to bat. When Sunny came in, Chani pleaded for strike. Sunny obliged. Chani then struck it straight in the air to mid-off and was dumbfounded when the catch was taken. Sunny was furious that Chani had left him stranded like that. The scorer was happy.

A few minutes later we were on the field to rip through their batsman and wrap the game up… Unfortunately the chief escapee came out to umpire and that was the end of that. All appeals were promptly and firmly dismissed as going down leg. Even a knick that was much louder than Ricky’s famous vindaloo noise was dismissed as going down leg. At one stage Nirav was on his hands and knees pleading for a review of a “going down leg” decision. Charuka stepped in to clarify which stump was leg stump and all hell broke lose.

We were notified that the chief escapee had a PhD in something. We were then subjected to a lecture from him on clause 5.3.4.3.3.3.2aiii of the Geneva Convention that apparently states an umpire has the right to claim the ball was going down leg in situations where he has no other defense or if at any time he has no idea what to do or say. A photocopy of this clause is being taken and will be mailed out to Sam.

This resulted in some very intense finger pointing last seen in this country when Arjuna Ranatunga made it clear Sri Lanka never agreed to the Geneva Convention. At this point, the game erupted into a number of intense meetings between all and sundry. During this chaos, Sam was seen arguing with himself. When asked who won that argument, he conceded that he lost.

Cooler heads eventually prevailed with Nirav gathering the troops and requesting all communications be directed through him. Sam had a bit of trouble with this as it meant he had to run up to Nirav every two seconds to continue the argument he was having with himself. Unfortunately at this stage Prasad was not around to give his measured point of view.

When the match resumed, Ricky was thrown the ball. He threw it on to Atif. Nirav had to then convince Ricky it was meant for him. Each fielder retreated behind their favourite tree. Fonseka was seen behind his favourite flowering tree. In an attempt to buy a wicket, Ricky gifted the batsmen a couple of sixes. When it didn’t look like the batsmen were going to honour their end of the bargain, Ricky reached into his pocket to renegotiate the deal. Unfortunately he was out of cash, so the ball was thrown to Las.

This was the last over of the day. Las asked the skipper if he wanted him to bowl with his left hand or right hand. The skipper said he could use his bloody toes if he wanted to as long as he got a wicket. So he told the batsman he was coming left arm over and instead bowled right arm under. The baffled batsman had his leg stump knocked back. Fortunately the chief escapee was the leg umpire and his protest that the ball was going down leg were drowned in the song and dance that accompanied the batsman off the field.

The day ended with the opponents needing another 15 runs with still more than a few wickets in hand and a match winning umpire still at the crease. Charuka, however, has hatched a brilliant plan to have the last laugh. He has ordered non stop rain for the week and weekend. This will also ensure Sri Lanka manage to get a couple of points. If that fails he’s got the zoo keeper’s number ready.

How’z That?