3 Mar 2009

It's been a while since the team has had to endure this drivel - thanks to the rain, a forfeit, the rain and
the rain. This last match also got interrupted by rain, but we still did get quite a match in.
The first weekend we won the toss and the skipper chose to bat. Unfortunately for the skipper no one
else in the side chose to bat. Stanley went out alone and got stuck into his customary quick-fire innings
except this time the fireworks were like the 9pm fireworks on New Year’s eve – they ended early. This
meant someone else was going to have to score some runs for a change.
Las and the other opener then went out. Las started taking quick singles. The other opener, who has
long forgotten what a quick single is, simply held his ground ensuring that each time Las ran he had
to run back, which meant two runs for the team and no sweating for him. In fact, this opener is now
so used to going out and simply holding his bat in one hand while giving the thumbs up with the other
hand as Stanley has perfected the art of hitting five boundaries followed by a single to protect the poor
bugger.
Las, however, had yet to perfect this art. He eventually took a quick single and forgot to run back.
By the time his partner had taken his first step, the keeper had not only removed the bails, but he had
finished his drinks break and was in the middle of a lengthy conversation with first slip. In fact because
the stumps had already been put back together, the other opener thought he was not out and took guard.
The umpire had to usher him off. We were about 40/2 at that stage.
Now with the prolific run scoring opening pair back in the hut, the TAB had revised the total target to
55 all out and even that was only given an outside chance of happening. That’s when the skipper, who
had announced his retirement just the day before due to surgery to his middle finger, made his way to
the middle.
It’s not quite clear how he managed to get a crooked middle finger. Some say he was sticking it in
places that it should never have been, others say he gave Sam out too enthusiastically using his middle
finger and his finger has never been the same. All we know is his middle finger stood out like a …
well, like a sore middle finger.
No one even questioned why the skipper was heading out to the middle in the middle of his retirement.
This weekly retirement story is now so old that nobody even noticed. It is, however, unclear how the
skipper passed the fitness test considering the doctor had ordered 10 weeks of keeping his middle
finger to himself. Whatever the case, the skipper took a leaf out of Graeme Smith’s book and batted
with one hand.
Exactly what happened after that is somewhat vague. Suffice it to say not many runs were scored by
the procession of batsmen that were making their way to the middle and back quicker than it takes to
get a big mac.
The skipper and Las decided to unselfishly allow the likes of Prasad, Ayesh and Rajitha to bat who in
turn unselfishly allowed tRickster and Sameera to bat. Prasad too had made a return from retirement
but then promptly announced reretirement after his short innings, this time claiming back trouble. This
brought back memories of another member of the team who announced his reretirement due to a sore
left knee, or was that right knee – he was never quite sure. Yet as many will recall when it comes time
to bat, all those aches miraculously disappear. More on this later.
We were running out of batsmen fast when we realized that we still had Rambo (aka Aneesh) and
Amitabh Bachchan – the secret weapons that were once again flying under the radar – actually they
were just behind a tree having a fag. Rambo padded up. He stretched to the left, grunted, then stretched
to the right and mourned in pain. He then sat down, completely exhausted.
We were counting on Rambo and Amitabh Bachchan to do one of those epic Indian movie heroic
rescues as they had done in the previous match we lost. This Bollywood movie however was a low
budget production without enough juice to produce a happy ending. Rambo’s wicket went flying out of
the ground while Bachchan danced all around the pitch and didn’t do much else.
We ended up with 158 runs or something like that on the board and had to hit the field.
Rambo was thrown the ball and asked to get us a few scalps. He misunderstood this request and
proceeded to attempt to decapitate the batsmen.
Unfortunately our Bollywood Rambo was greeted by two master swordsmen with bat in hand. They
carved him up. Whatever Rambo threw down, it went faster to the boundary. The only ones who were
likely to be decapitated were the poor fielders standing between the boundary and the batsmen. Even a
few trees lost a limbs.
That's when Amitabh was called upon to use his charm and woe the batsmen out. After a taking a little
medicine himself, he managed to send both batsmen back and was on a hat trick. The hat, however, had
no more tricks left in it. The opposing skipper and another poor sod took over the reins. Rambo was
still on his mission. Finally he managed to decapitate one batsman. The poor sod swung at the ball only
to find his head spinning and a few stars appearing in broad daylight. The poor sod wobbled off the
field and sent a replacement to bat.
Rambo was pumped. He had success. The opposing skipper then called for bad light saying it was too
dangerous. We told him that the danger lay not in the bad light but in the fact that his batsmen didn’t

know how to bat. He agreed, but then said he couldn't play in the pouring rain. We said fair enough and
were happy to leave.
The following week the opposition were looking good, heading for their target quite easily. That’s
when we asked Stanley to put an end to this nonsense. He took the ball, stood right next to the umpire
and hurled them down straight at the wickets – that’s all it took. Before long most of the batsmen were
in the hut and we managed to wrap up the innings with about 28 runs to spare.
We decided to go for second innings points. The skipper ordered Stanley to go score a 100. He was told
to take his time. Ricky put his hand up to bat up the order as did Prasad. As you will recall Prasad had
just announced his retirement due to a sore back, which was now miraculously better – now that we
were batting. Ricky was padded up before the openers.
In ten overs, we had 168 on the board with Stanley recording 108 to his name. The skipper said that
was enough and called the batsmen back. That was 168 for no loss in 10 overs! Ricky had tears in his
eyes.
We went back in to bowl and Stanley was asked to take 9 quick wickets while Rambo again started
trying to decapitate the batsmen. Unfortunately they managed to get the 200 runs required before
Stanley could get them all out.
True to the team’s new year’s resolution, we created a win-win situation over the weekend instead
of simply sucking the life out of the opposition. The opponents were grateful and shook our hands
warmly.
Next week’s team has been announced – it’s Stanley. His son might join him just to keep him
company. Howzat!